Beautifully written, extremely captivating. Your words bleed through very vividly, like ink spreading across wet paper!
I am not a native speaker, but I would like to cast a impression of helpful reader.
My only suggestion, because I did not want to seem shallow by giving just my thoughts. But your work has very little mistakes. And even so, the 'mistakes' are just typos
[She isn’t even seated properly behind her desk before Rimsha begins,]
Your paragraphing and wordings are very beautiful in their entirety, ‘isn’t even’ sounds awkward here, if it was intentional, you can ignore my rudeness. But if you are not satisfied, ‘She had yet to be seated’ would flow nicer.
[A model, one they have stuck with her to make sure she gets the work one.]
Is one here a typo?
That ‘Apologies’ after ‘These aren’t cool enough’ was very wholesome!
The character’s reaction to ‘Devine’ Hand in mouth out of unspeakable sadness.jpg that poor priestess.. It’s so crispy.
I wrote this as I was reading, but the flowing story later made me realise that it was done deliberately, this woman is so Venomous Beauty+ Green Tea coded, so fragrant.
Instead of listing out all the tittles, writing only the ‘It matters not what you know me by’ would seem more realistic, but this is your flavour, and it allows for the community to create memes. So it’s still Chef’s kiss
The way it is written and the dialogues that mix in with the occasional quips makes it feel like a great being is accompanying a clueless empty child so that the existence of this great being will not be discovered.
By the way, do not trust grammarly or auto correction in your writing, it messes with your voice and flow.
Summary
[As priorly concurred, M shall be sent to Maison Academy, and placed under the supervision of the Duchess of Maison—Mary Wolfenstein. Any objections?]
It sounds like the duchess is being introduced to the gathered characters for the first time. It is logical that the name is introduced for the player character but doing this frequently can be like info-dumping.
[You lift your gaze to the frozen radiance. “By whom?”
“The Principal of Maison Academy, Mary Wolfenstein.”
“I see.”] So this is why you did what you did
This makes me laugh at myself
If the name is omitted and introduced later on when the person displays their first appearance, they would become more memorable. You have done this later on but not here, which is your deliberate writing choice, so it is understandable.
Summary
[“For the time being, you shall be enrolled at Maison Academy of Hero Training and Mana Research to learn Channelling, and spoiler alert:” he pauses, ]
The slang breaks the immersive theme, but I have seen many authors do it often, so it does not matter much. I will just let you know.
Summary
[An hour passes before the man returns, and exclaims in bewilderment, “You haven’t… even moved.” He’s objectively correct. You have been staring at your hands, spread in your lap, for quite a bit.]
Omitting ‘even’ would make the scene more impactful, in some cases (not all) using too many vocabulary can make the dialogue sound flat.
‘She isn’t even seated’ here ‘isn’t even, doesn’t even, cant really’ things like these can break your flow when you are going for this slightly serious type of thing.
Specially in dialogues. ‘Haven’t even’ and the like can be used between close friends or people but Aldrich here has just met the Knight.
PS: The options here jump scared me, I did not understand what either meant
T-T haha
It is my first time reading ‘Serpentine’ used to describe a architectural structure, so it sounded very sophisticated. I don’t know if needlessly, but very refined.
The dream part is really haunting, very beautiful. I do not know who Theo is, and she is part of the mysterious past but her visit, perhaps imagined, was very chilling. ‘Do a worlds a favour’ was jaw meet floor.
The stat mechanics are also very fun to observe I was confused what the different flavours of expressions were for, so it was to see how good the Knight is at being
[‘You can have this rabbit, or if it looks too innocent to eat, you could have this pigeon.’]. Brother, do you have a problem with pigeons? are pigeon’s inferior to rabbits? It’s quite funny. He must think so.
Summary
[Occasionally, you see signs of civilization: a score or half of thatched wooden houses and shacks, patches of farms, wells and stables and sheepfolds, but it seems most hides behind the comfort of the city walls.]
Here, hides is a grammar error. When multiple are referred at once, they ‘hide’ do not make them plural.
‘A hides behind the castle walls’ ‘Alphabets hide behind the castle walls’ or ‘Alphabets hid behind the castle walls’
But since most of your writing does not make this mistake, I am assuming that it is a typo.
[ To be so exalted that ingenuity exists only to counter you. You open your eyes in disappointment.] I feel that it is hinting at something..
[A lone tower yearns for the sky, and for the companions it lost in its pursuit: the two cathedrals attached to it, each with a tower of its own although none dare challenge the central one. Ahead said towers is a complex structure of blue, brown and white—the main academy building you reckon.]
Another typo in Ahead. Where Ahead, said towers. The ‘,’ is excluded. Also, Foreshadowing is awesome.
I very greatly like Aldrich and Iram’s duo! They are like two Citrus fruits together
Started from Creme de la Creme so it can be easier to find.
[‘Creme de la Creme’ to you, and none shall question your worth, such is the prestige of graduates here. You may already be aware that the end of the year assessment tournament draws the eyes of the World’s top companies and recruiters; yet that’s not your purpose here, but just an additional benefit. The primary purpose of education here is to help you become the best version of yourselves, whether that be through learning, experiences, extra-curriculars, or any of the facilities made available to you. What you take away from here depends entirely upon you." ]
I get what’s happening here, they listed out how great their place is, but also want to say that 'If you fail, You can only blame yourself. Since this is the sentiment, you can attach ‘However’ before ‘What’ to make the point clearer. Though what you have written is pretty great by itself.
Summary
[“I—I overslept and w—woke up late this morning which led to being late. Please don’t revoke m-my admission!”]
This whole paragraph of stuttering sounds like sharp nails against the chalk board in the mind. In the past, I have stopped reading stories when I encounter such stuttering lol, in most media stuttering is indeed portrayed this way. But it is very over-done and headache inducing.
Instead of starting the stuttering from the first letter, like o-okay why not repeat some words? like ‘I woke - woke up late this morning.’ I used to have a stuttering problem from junior to middle school too lol and sometimes I would repeat the words in two languages or repeat something twice or thrice. Never have I experienced it i that way, maybe some have.
Summary
[“Pray to the Divine Order and the Prophet Mister M”]
Here, I thought for a moment that it was really Prophet M. If you add ‘,’ it will reduce confusion :3
[A few minutes later, you are still lying on the ground, the martus, having gotten comfortable, too lazy to get-up. “You are so heavy.” You comment.
It snorts, as if saying “This is precisely the reason you will never get a wife.”]
This is very entertaining
[The air ahead of you cracks open, Mary stepping through. She’s accompanied by a woman of twenties, wearing a light green gown. “That was entertaining.” She chuckles.]
Oh, She agrees.
Summary
[Humidity didn’t dare approach neither did cold trample the land. People lived in houses of nature content with every aspect of life.]
‘,’ is okay here. When writing it, you should think of those as similar to writing ‘Apple was red, but Banana was yellow’ or ‘Mr Apple, Mr Banna, and Mr Mango were very respected by Mr Peach.’ When writing while referring with a tittle, it is advised to include a ‘,’ to avoid confusion as well.
‘He was reclusive yet cheerful.’ when he is both reclusive and cheerful, normally these traits would collide but he mixes these traits together.
He was reclusive, yet cheerful’ these traits of his do not mix together, it perplexes people.
I feel that you were very excitable about your work but it drained you near the end. So it feels somewhat grand in the prologue and tamer in the rest of the story. But it is a very good read.
I found the rite of planting trees very engaging but terrifying all the same. It was odd how the scenes transitioned though, very abruptly too. If it was in an animation, it would not have felt abrupt. But words and imagery are very different.
It made me wonder what I would get or how my fruit would taste, or how my tree would look if I the person was there.
Anyhow, it’s like a fantastical horror novelish fantasy. Very yummy.
I found that it was difficult to raise Link’s relation despite his cheerful persona, like smiling without life in his eyes.
Inanya also seemed terrifying at first, like she was faking her approachable and clumsy nature. She reminds me of Mufasa.
Aiza is very tsundere, but so far, she is the most genuine and easy to read/ know.
Firuz seems like having multiple personalities.
The horse’s origin story terrified me. Imagining a torso and head dragging itself? ahhhhhhhh it’s like a dark fairytale