Oh gosh I loved the update! I specially liked the way you introduced the creature and the attack! And I really liked that the MC is freaked out that they actually recognize the people around them. Or the moment where they get their keys and just straight up faint. I actually laughed at that, just imagining the scene from the outside. This person who has just been attacked by SOMETHING (is it a harpy? I feel like it’s a harpy but I’m probably wrong lmao) simply stands up, grabs their keys, looks proud af, and then passes out. Loved it. Keep up the good work! 
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Made me laugh too! Now I’m just picturing the MC after the attack when the others are staring at them just shaking their head slowly and blurting out “nope!” before keeling over. Also I just thought it was a really damn ugly faerie 
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I cannot get enough of this WIP. Well done!
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Thank you so much! Yes, I’m playing Three Houses - Blue Lions right now. Annette owns my heart. 
I hope you liked my demo! I’d love to know your thoughts.
Yes, all of my dates are listed Month/Date/Year.
@Autumn19
Thanks for catching that typo! I’m really glad you liked this chapter! 
Your conversation with Ceres made me laugh, because that’s pretty much how it went. More about the winged creature will be explained in the next chapter, but it is fae.
@ceresvaldez
Thank you so much for leaving your feedback, it was great to see! ^^ Everyone that MC’s met so far has been a bit of a weirdo. Poor MC is going through a lot, and fainting after an adrenaline rush is definitely not making their day any better. (Imagine being Alejandro or another bystander watching MC keel over.) I’m happy to hear you liked this chapter!
Aw, thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed it!
@syzygy
Thanks for catching that error! I’ll have it fixed in the next update. Hope you liked the rest of your play through. 
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Super excited about this update! I want to officially meet everyone!!! What a way to reunite or meet with ro’s! Fighting a monster and then passing out! Whew, my MC needs to be held until she feels better. I wonder who she’d want to do that…
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Nice update! The banshee/fairy appearance and build up were a ton of fun to read. Really drove home that we were out alone at night in a big park. I also liked that the different paths in the office (lockers vs desks) would give different clues (and more mysteries).
Just had to say this about my new favorite plotline:
Noooo. Say it ain’t so. Has he not suffered enough? (It’s probably bad that I laughed at this but that’s what I did) 
Truly, a man of many mishaps.
Really liking your take on the fae, especially the little lore crumbs we’ve been given so far. Hoping for more in the future!
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Hi Dankman! It’s nice to see you again. Thanks for catching the typo, it should be fixed in the next update.
I’m glad you liked the update. I can’t lie, I love writing slice-of-life mundane chapters, but having the fae finally show up was a relief.
This is Mitchell’s story, fam. You’re just living in it.
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I just got through this, and wanted to say that I really enjoyed it! It’s a cool premise, and I think you do a good job setting it up. Looking forward to what you do next!
lots of words incoming
I thought it was really cool that you got to sort of get a tour of the park yourself by watching the MC lead one, and interacting with the tourists was cool, and you did a great job of describing it.
The characters felt pretty distinct while all being likable. I’m looking forward to seeing how things pan out with them, and who else I have yet to meet. I did think it was a little odd that the manager guy Lawrence had a disposition meter separate from the others, but I guess it makes sense in the context of your relationship being more of a business one.
I personally tend not to like"you do the thing but have four choices of how you feel about it", but most of the examples in your story felt pretty natural and like they were meaningfully different interactions, so I’m actually really happy with how you handled that overall. For example, you always watch the silly TV show with Julia, but the different choices still felt like they framed a different relationship between them.
I played a gay male and I felt like the narration was going a little overboard on the “you think Alejandro is totally hot”, but only a little and it didn’t really bug me too much because it’s true. I also appreciate that I could play as being attracted to him without being super flirty and forward about it.
I didn’t notice any typos at all in my playthrough. The closest thing I can think is during the bits talking about the phone battery, I think it went up at one point? (from 18 to 23). I might have just misread/misremembered the values though. I felt like the scenes flowed really well, and I think you did a great job at handling the tones in both the normal day parts and the dramatic part.
Again, it was a great read and I had fun playing. 
2 Likes
Just finished playing through, I loved it so far! I really appreciate the way you pay attention to the park details, it makes for a super engaging story. The pacing felt very natural and well done, and the little hints of fairies during the slice-of-life errand runs was a nice touch. The dialogue was well-written and I especially loved my interaction with the security guard (Robert?). He was so nice!
In terms of feedback, in the choice where you were receiving complements and that affected your stats, I ended up choosing the “lively” option thinking it was the charisma option- it surprised me that it ended up being athletics! So that felt a bit confusing.
I also noticed a typo when you get a text from your mom. It seems that the text is signed “Grace Park” but in the next paragraph it says her last name remains “Wiley”, unless “Park” is a middle name?
I also found myself torn between really appreciating the attention to detail (my personal style, what my room looked like, etc) to feeling a bit overwhelmed by the choices- although, I think that’s a personal preference and it really depends on the reader!
In all, it was a really engaging demo and I can’t wait to see how it continues!
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I loved the slightly sinister tone to this new chapter! Your descriptions made it really easy to relate to the MC’s fatigue and desperation, and by the time the catch-me-if-you-can lights showed up I was so exasperated haha. The build up to the monster was very well done, as well. The lines about how silence only comes in a forest when an apex predator is hunting- and then that you’re being hunted- might be my favorite lines in the whole demo so far.
And the fact that the MC still has time for (dry asides) while being carried away? ah, perfect.
Can’t wait to see what comes next! (I internally cried, “nooo” as the chapter ended)
6 Likes
Whew, thanks for your feedback, guys! I’ve been kind of sick (fingers crossed that it’s nothing major), so I haven’t been able to respond.
@Jayffel
I appreciate your kind words and your thoughtful comments! You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m not super attached to the “four set personality choices,” but sometimes it ends up that I feel like there are only four distinct options for a player to choose from. Generally, I think I write however options I feel are necessary: sometimes it’s two, sometimes it’s six. I’ll keep what you said in mind!
Haha, I was trying to toe the line with Alejandro’s hotness. He’s objectively very attractive, and MC will notice regardless of whether or not they’re attracted to men, but I’ll tone it down as we continue. He’s more than just a pretty face, after all. 
@yarnball
I’m happy to know that you liked my dialogue and pacing. I think pacing is what I worry the most over, so thorough feedback like yours always helps. I’ll take a look at the choice thing you pointed it out and adjust it as need be. Thanks for catching that typo!
I understand the whole attention to detail thing! I think I’m pretty much done with attention to detail choices for a while, and I’ll try to be careful if I add anymore. I admit that character customization is a preference of mine. I hope you like the future updates!
@Aerin
Hey, thanks! I had a lot of fun writing the supernatural horror elements of this chapter (and I did it night, and consequently slept horribly 
) so that’s very nice to hear. If they’re Aloof enough, MC will always have time for some dry asides.
12 Likes
I noticed that the first time we mention the phone’s battery it says that it is at 18% but later it’s suddenly 23%? Anyways, as I was replaying I noticed a few things that I didn’t upon the first playthrough, mostly because I’m dumb. Also love how I can’t tell in which direction the story is going, it’s all so mysterious. Will the pacing remain the same or speed up?
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It means the phone battery went down 18%, not that it is 18%.
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I personally felt that this was a little unclear as well though, when I first read that line I cursed MC’s phone for having zero battery life and dropping from (what was it, 80? 60? 50?) all the way down to 18% lmao
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Lovely, charming, spooky. Seriously enjoyed reading through this demo, it’s very well written and immediately captivating. I think I might be in love with it?
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Regarding the phone battery: the line is that the battery goes down 18% (not that it goes down to 18%), but it seems to be kind of confusing so I’ll be sure to change that in the next update. Thanks for pointing it out!
Aw, thanks! It is a mystery, so I don’t want to play all of my cards too early. 
Pacing will probably get a little faster after chapter 4 - the whole plot will cover from May to early winter of the same year.
@Tinyblake
Aw, thank you so much! I’m so glad you love it - it loves you too! 
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I’m thinking about tweaking the personality stats system a bit. I’m thinking of changing it to:
- Idealistic/Pragmatic (this would be merged with Emotional/Logical)
- Amiable/Aloof (this one would stay unchanged.)
- Introverted/Extroverted
- Motivated/Nonchalant (this would be Enthusiastic/Disillusioned but with a clearer label. Basically, Ambition.)
If I went through with it, I’d have to update all the current chapters in the demo and change the way some stats are weighed. I’m curious to hear your thoughts about this possible change: do you think there’s some major stat I’m missing? Do you like this change or are you against it? Do you think there’s a better way to phrase them?
Please let me know your thoughts! I’d really appreciate some feedback.
15 Likes
I’ve enjoyed this so far!
Re: your question about the stats… I’ll have to play through again before I can REALLY have an opinion on if the stats are missing something. The first time around, I didnt even look at the stats! But my initial thought would be that those changes seem fine. I think the motivated/nonchalant change will be useful for clarity. If you’re talking about ambition, maybe free-spirited would be better than nonchalant?
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Ooh, thanks! Those are some good suggestions. I feel like most of the mechanics relating to stat would stay the same - I’m largely going to be altering syntax. 
1 Like