Finally got somewhere somewhat workable for my WIP! I’ve been trying to do some alpha testing, but I’d like a bigger group to get some input for the beginning.
I’m only about 4k words in (not counting my notes before the start of the game), but I’d like to get some sort of idea for how my flow is so far, and if it makes sense the way I’m jumping around, that sort of thing. I have some notes/questions on the first page, but they’re just a loose guide in this case.
Also, do you think that adding headers when switching point of view (not necessarily ones with words, just a simple design) would clear things up and/or add to the game?
Abstract: In a world where witches are hunted like animals, one child survives. As they stand over the remnants of a life destroyed, they make a contract with a demon to find those responsible and deal their personal sense of justice. What started as revenge will change the fate of an entire country as the witch decides how much they are willing to give up for the sake of a grudge.
It would be nice if gender and name weren’t connected. I also don’t get why we’re telling our life stories to this sketchy stranger in this sketchy carriage to a probably sketchy place. I thought the transition from sketchy stranger story time to mommy memory time was clear. You could add visual clues for the switch if you want, but it’s not needed.
1a. It was confusing, but interesting.
1b. No, more description is not needed for the carriage conversation.
1c. Yes.
1d. I didn’t know what was going on, but that by itself is fine. I just need more motivation on why I’m telling my life story to a sketchy stranger.
2a. Focus on info directly related to the story which seems to be the politics and society (which helps readers understand the story and provides a way to so he Michael’s questions while also being truthful) and the MC’s witch life (to answer Michael’s question). The mom is horrible; she brought a child into this world when she couldn’t even care for herself and her lack of defending herself by honestly (not spitefully or derogatorily) talking about the father. The MC knows all she needs to know until the mom makes an appearance in story.
2b. You don’t need stat choices of they’re not going to be used.
3i. Your choice placement is kind of unusual. I think the MC cares more about an absent father than some run down house.
“You can only force yoursel to believe that each stumbling step over rough ground and gasp of cold air doesn’t bring you closer to an unseen cliff or into a murderous blade.”
Typo yourself
For the gender and name, do you mean the title part or the actual name? I intended for the title to be an equivalent of Mr/Ms, so I’m not sure how to keep that part from being gendered.
1d. I’ll try to make it more clear. I did add a choice part in regards to the player’s possible reasons for the MC talking, do you think I should explain these further or make an option for those who aren’t “convinced” to talk? Or both.
2a. I was going back and forth on how to handle the father not being in the story, but I think that this gives me enough reason to put a bigger explanation and focus on that bit more. I wasn’t going for a wildly irresponsible mother either, so I’ll try to do some further explanation there and a little bit further in the story (she does have a way of supporting herself, which I thought was implied by them having a house at all, but I’ll pad that part more).
3i. I’ll add a choice about the father as well as the player’s decision for how much the MC cares about it, and maybe weave the feelings about the house into it.
Typo fixed.
I won’t be uploading the updated version for a little while, because the changes here will be a little more intensive.
