The new prologue so far has the tone of someone whose a big hulking behemoth of power but neither realizes it nor knows what “baby steps” are. I’ll give you credit for that tone. Your description of our character’s armor in particular makes me think of the Draugr from Skyrim.
I suddenly realized, what I was imprisoned in. A sarcophagus, made of thick stone, far thicker than it needed to me. Large beams of metal, sticking out of it, rusted by use and bent from my strength.
“me” should be “be”. Also, the sentence following immediately after is worded weirdly.
The few reasons I could think off being far too terrifying for me to accept at the moment.
“off” should be “of”
I think the scene where we speak to the templar would do well if there was some reference to how croaky or scratchy our MC’s voice/throat is. Considering that all the other muscles were protesting earlier and the MC hasn’t said anything up to that point, it might make for a nice attention to detail, as well as reinforce the image of a badass undead waking up and kicking ass right from the get-go
I find it weird that we are given the option to carry the KO’d templar back up to the surface, yet we can’t do the same with his companions, who haven’t been confirmed to be dead and are also in pretty bad shape if our MC would have anything to do about it.
King and commoners alike once risen to power, and revered as heroes.
“King” should be plural.
But I had more pressing matter to deal with,
“matter” should be plural.
Fact reinforced, by the highly defensible way this place was built.
Fact reinforced? What? Did you mean “In fact reinforced?”
But many other simply ended in dead-ends or secret ambush tunnels. Which held not my interest at the moment.
“other” should be plural. The second sentence looks correct but is worded weirdly.
It seemed carved directly out of the rock, with only slight wear and tear, as well as thick coating of dust to hint at its age.
should be “It seemed to be carved directly out of the rock, with only slight wear and tear, as well as a think coating of dust to hint at its age.”
I found the efforts put into building this place properly incredible.
“efforts” doesn’t need to be plural.
Smaller version of the brasiers into the halls were mounted on the walls but emitted much smaller flames.
“version” should be plural.
Artefacts, monsters, demons or any being so great that nothing could stop them,
“Artefacts” should be “Artifacts”.
This place seemed to have used as catacombs for quite a while now.
add in a “been” between “have” and “used”
She hurriedly stirred her body, panicked at the sight of her comrade's state. I left her alive, but she was severely wounded. She surely passed out from the pain. "Annie, wake up!"
She wouldn't wake up. I killed her. "It's no use. Your friend is dead." She paid me no heed, tending to her friend's wounds. "Are you not listening? You're wasting your time."
"Annie!" Her eyes wide, her lips trembling she brought her hands in prayer, murmuring softly. Persistent, praying solves nothing. So I thought, until I registered the situation. She moved. Her chest heaved, for a mere second. She was still breathing, she survived. By a stroke of incredible luck, her body still lived as she faded into unconsciousness.
I was left confused by this whole segment. I thought we left this soldier alive, but then she apparently bled out and died, but then miraculously survived… kinda confusing
Yeah. I know, for the sake of humanity I should stop doing puns. XD
Thank you for all this feedback. I’m going to have a look.
Yeah. I didn’t think about that. It would be a good addition.
My thoughts on that were that the MC thinks the two others are dead, since only this one showed a sign of life. Beside that, even though extremely strong, carrying three people at the same time would probably be toom much of a bother to move. Especially since the MC awaits more resistance, I don’t think they would to be so hindered when they expect a fight.
So I don’t know. Maybe I’ll had this option in some way, I’ll think about it.
The text didn’t explicitly say the other templars down in the catacombs were dead, just that they were KO’d and unlikely to get up any time soon.
The carrying 3 people around thing is a good point though. Maybe at least have the MC poke the others to make sure they’re dead before moving on? Besides, even if we did carry all 3, there’s nothing stopping our MC from just dropping them onto the floor once combat begins, is there?
Just played the new Demo, and have to say that I’m incredibly pleased. This had already been one of my favorite WIP’s, and it seems like it’s just getting better. I’ve noticed most of the same minor spelling errors that have been previously mentioned so I won’t bother pestering you more about it, but keep up the fantastic work, and I look forward to more later.
I don’t know if this been ask before, how strong were our Mc in their time period compared to the other kings and heros . And will we get flash back who Mc was before.
You know, I’m very intrigued by Bann Stone (previously known as the nameless girl that stands beside Asterius), would it be too much to ask for her to be a possible RO for the Wight King? There’s just something innately romantic about the prospect of slowly building a relationship with someone who is pretty much your opposite, then coming to understand one another and both becoming a better person. But maybe that’s just me. Thought I must admit, with what little interaction we have with her so far, her devotion and adherence to the Templar Order seems like borderline zealotry.
As the Wight King, it is a given that you shall become powerful.
The paladin code is more of a guide than laws. Each paladin has to choose the righteous path, but each person having a different definition of right and wrong, the code was made to be flexible. Even then, paladins are always held to their actions, and can be brought before the inquisitors if they are believed to have abused their powers.
They can also downright lose their power if they stray too far from their righteous path. It is a mental trigger that is forced into the mind of every paladin through their teachings. It is not a sure system, it doesn’t always trigger, but when it does, the paladin is left broken by it and has little chance of ever recovering.
The code however has little meaning in this new era. The paladins have been absorbed by the templars. Those that have accepted the rule of the Templar Order at least.
Bann is an Arkadian gender-neutral title equivalent to “lord” and “lady”. Lady Stone is a character I didn’t expect to become much more than she was at the time of the first demo. But with the revamp I can’t simply let her stand by the sidelines. She is trained by Asterius after all. And I see where she could stand in the grand scheme.
She will certainly have her own development. It isn’t a no for the romance, but I’ll have to see how things evolve. Her zealotry is a trait I wanted her to have, at least at the start, and this trait means she will have to broken out of it before she sees the truth and could even accept the Wight King as more than an enemy.
Lol, seems like Annie would be more likely (assuming you spare her) considering you’ve actually shown her mercy after showing how utterly pointless it is to attack you.
I do kind of wonder, considering how powerful yet confused the MC is, why we don’t have the option to question any of these soldiers. I mean, the last few who stand against you probably wouldn’t be up for answering any but it seems like you could fairly easily avoid killing them at that point if you wanted to and let them wear themselves out until they can’t fight any more. Even if not, Annie ends up surviving regardless and giving you a choice of whether or not to spare her.
