Hello everyone! After lurking for a really really long time, I’ve finally decided to bite the bullet, create an account and share the project I’ve been working on; The Sun And His Arrows.
Blurb
When Delos the sun god decided to find a wife, he shot a golden arrow down to the earth. Wherever it landed was where he would find his bride.
It happens to land at your feet but you are already betrothed to Prince Oscar in a strategic political alliance.
What happens when the sun god returns to claim his bride? Caught between two powerful men, pave your own destiny and remain unscathed while a war between gods and men begins to brew.
Romances Options.
Delos, the sun god; Brash, cocky and stubborn, Delos is a god that is sure of himself and his wants and lets nothing stop him from getting them. But below his arrogant exterior lies a compassionate and carefree god who desires love more than anything.
Oscar, the future King; You were betrothed to him to keep the peace of the kingdoms and he isn’t an entirely bad match. Loyal, charming and courageous, he embodies everything a perfect king should be.
Pythia, goddess of the way; She is a minor deity who gives advice and reveals the right path. While she is wise and determined and her advice is sought by many, she can also be very immature and demanding. She generally wants the best outcome for everyone.
Sera, The Queen of hell; Sera is the twin sister of Delos but while he represents light, she is the embodiment of darkness. She’s manipulative, cunning and cruel with a personal vendetta against the rest of the gods who have scorned her.
Feedback
I’m open to anything from spelling errors and typos to story structure and prose.
Okay, love it so far but i do have a couple notes.
There is little to no explanation of the Sun Gods expectations from the beginning, and by the end of the demo it seems MC knew he intended to marry her, despite him never actually saying or hinting at it, which confused me a bit.
Also, the lack of commas was noticeable. For example the line “Well all the men you’ve ever seen are tall because you’re only six and nearly everyone is taller than a six year old.”
Would have flowed better with some commas like “Well, all the men you’ve ever seen are tall, because you’re only six, and nearly everyone is taller than a six year old.”
I liked it so far! Your prose is easy to follow for the most part, but I think some commas every now and then in the longer sentences could help. Like this sentence, for example:
He’s not only tall but broad shouldered with vivid green eyes and hair the color of gold that curls softly and frames his handsome face.
Feel free to ignore if you prefer your style.
I chose to say “I don’t want to do this,” to the dad on the day of the wedding , and I got an error about how the timid variable doesn’t exist.
Other than that, I’ll be looking forward to following the story’s progress.
To be honest, I was a bit scared at first when I read the summary, with the MC being a child when chosen by the God, but I’m glad to see that there is a timeskip right afterwards! The WIP may be short for now but the story seems very promising. It’s also well-writen and makes me want to read more!
I’m dying for Delos and this whole plot and his dramatic entrance and he is furious. Ohhhhh, this game will be delicious.
I love Alea already, she really supports her sister, the scene when MC chooses the bracelet and Alea agrees and mouths “Your day”, aww.
I’m definitely saving this WIP and very much looking forward to how it continues! I would also advise more commas, as the others said before me.
Keep up the great work, I’m loving this so much! #Delos’Bride
This is definitely something I am eager to play. I look forward to learning more about the love interests. In way, I am glad it is only two, as it means I can focus more on them.
Firstly a big thank you to everyone for reading and commenting! It really means loads and I appreciate it!
Mc is not a slob, this is just how brothers act sometimes lol so It was written as a playful jab which is why MC reacts with an eye roll.
Thank you so very much but they’re actually going to be two more female love interests for players attracted to women!
Thank you both for bringing this up. I understand the topic of children and marriages is one that will get incredibly inappropriate if not handled carefully.
All relationships with the MC take place when she’s 20.
Royal children tend to be betroth to someone or the other for the sake of alliances I think Joan of France is the youngest and she was betrothed at 8 days old. Mc and Oscar were kinda forced into this due their status. Again, romantic relationships with the MC commence when she’s 20, 14 years after the garden interaction.
I was SO nervous writing Delos’ first interaction with the MC. I obviously want him to be likable and not creepy, so he expresses doubt and even disgust to find his arrow with a child and treats her like a child, not a romantic interest. I’ve tried to be careful with the way I worded the early scenes but of course if they still rub anyone the wrong way I’m totally opened to revisiting it!
Thank you! I’ll revisit the text keeping in mind that the story plays out differently for people who having read it before.
Kirlett is absolutely right, the narrative so far was limited to the MC’s knowledge and POV and all of a sudden, I switched to third person omniscient right at the end of the text. I could understand how it will be jarring and will be changing it. (Sorry I just needed that drama)
Thank you so much! If you couldn’t tell I live for drama and angst!
Oi there @MissBehavior I think you should mention the years passed since meeting the sun god/tall mysterious man or how old MC is when getting married… You said that she’s SIX years old when she met the sun god but you didn’t even mentioned how old she is or how many years have passed since…
And the last line that he returned for his bride, it feels like a narrative sentence but it feels ODD and OUT OF PLACE cause, you never actually mentioned IN THE STORY 'bout him looking for a bride or that the MC was chosen. you only mentioned it in the summary in the forum post.
