The Song of damned ((Provisional title. A historical novel with horror overtones set in 19th century Italy))

[Raphael_Dusk]

Hello everyone. Maybe someone will remember me from the post I made here Interest Check Thread - #6628 by Raphael_Dusk. Anyway, here is the project finally in demo. Since it is the first game I write, feedback on everything (especially grammar and history) are welcome. The title is still provisional, but I will definitely find a less Z-horror title.

Setting
Growing up in a convent located in a remote village in the mountains does not seem like a desirable life for many, but whatever it is, it has been your life since you were found abandoned.
In the small community you are known as an exorcist, so much so that they say demons flee from you. In fact in your last ritual something like that seems to have happened.
Too bad that beneath your skills are the cause of a family reunion that should never have happened

Features
-Customise your exorcist between appearance, character, gender, pronouns and faith. Are you a saint who wants to cleanse the world or a sinner in disguise?

-Explore pre-United Italy and if you are interested take part in the uprisings.

-Choose your lineage and shape your relationship with your supernatural parent.

-Keep your vow of chastity or find love among six options.

-The story is yours to write. Will you carry balance? Will you be shot? Will you embrace your non-human side to create a new world?

“Ro"

Maria/Michele:Your best friend, you have known each other since childhood as you both grew up in a convent. Their faith in the Lord and in human goodness is very strong, but what will happen if they discover that perhaps things are not as they imagine?

Nicola/Nicoletta:Young poet and children of impoverished nobles, their father would like to marry them off to good men to return to their old splendor. Romantic option who prefers people of their gender.

Vincenzo/Vittoria:Practical innkeepers, they manage their family’s inn together Mattia, but their dream is to go to a big city. They are not believers, but when they discover everything and the possibility of becoming rich for life, they are willing to believe.

Teresa/Tommaso:Child of the mayor of the village where you grew up, they grew up in luxury and also very spoiled, knowing nothing of the world and with no regard for the poor. When their parent becomes possessed by yours and they have to face reality, will they be able to change their minds?

Mattia: V’s helpers usually make small deliveries or go to collect basic necessities that are missing. In reality, they are A former angel of heaven named Mumiah, they fell after failing to protect a person and have since traveled the earth drinking like a sponge and doing small delivery jobs. It’s an asexual romantic option, but it is not aromatic.

Warning

This game deals with some dark topics including death, bereavement, poverty, religious themes, sexism, homotransfobia, parental abuse, possible amnesia and possession, creative licence on demons and angels

Link

Demo: https://dashingdon.com/go/16973
Tumblr: @talesofthebastardbard-fiction on Tumblr

Idea

This idea has been floating around in my head for a while now while I was discarding ideas, but I want to see what the public thinks about it and to expand the world a bit. Do you only want hell or do you also want heaven as the choice of offspring?

• Yes
• No, Discard this idea

[Random_Person]

I was watching a video about Giuseppe Garibaldi before I found this, what a funny little coincidence

[Random_Person]

I noticed some typos, for M they switched between genders a lot and for the drinking part, it says I wish drink instead of I wish to drink

[levviathan]

So if I understand the concept correctly, it’s: demi-demon becomes exorcist? That is clever and hilarious and I’m into it.

I can help a little with grammar (though I always recommend making minor things a lower priority in the early stages), pretty much not at all with history. Sorry, I am very bad at it lol.

Summary

First thing, you probably want to include a word count. People like them and they can entice more readers the higher they climb.

[to me” asked the] [ that’s all.” he said] [again" he said] etc There are several instances like these. Generally, the format will be “bla bla bla,” the person said. With the comma. Generally.

[With a brisk walk he walked towards] maybe just “he walked briskly toward…”

The first choice seems to be a gender determinant but I have no idea whose gender I’m picking? The MC? The parent? An RO?

[“but why, wasn’t they you?No” He asked] There are a few paragraphs like this that need some tweaking. Generally, you want to start a new paragraph for dialogue whenever a different person begins to speak to make better visual distinction between speakers.

In the name option, you might consider having “input your own name” to be an option in the gendered lists as well, in case a player picks a gendered list but then decides they don’t like any of the options after all. That way they don’t have to start over to get a name they like.

I’m not totally clear on where we are when we first wake up? Are we at the convent? What time of day is? Are we sleeping when others aren’t? The initial setting of this scene is a little disorienting.

It’s probably because I’m very unfamiliar with the cultural/linguistic naming conventions at play here but in case I’m not the only one who is, it might be helpful to make a note in the choice selections which character names imply what gender. To me, Maria, Michele, Nicola, and Nicoletta all sound feminine. But maybe my ignorance is my own and other readers won’t have this issue.

The gender select options are also a little unclear. The “(but you feel uncomfortable)” bits led me to think it was a questioning/dysphoric but uncertain type of thing but then it’s just straight up transbinary. I mean great that you’ve got five options there, but maybe the wording of the choices/descriptions could be a little clearer.

The “demon” option of your stats pages doesn’t include the stats pages menu at the bottom like the other pages do; it just takes you straight back to the game.

Conversely, the “back to game” option in the stats menu just takes you back to the stats menu.

I feel like the first exorcism is a great opportunity to develop some more detail and atmosphere. It would be a good place to lean into the horror or the religious fervor or the surrealism–whatever you’re going for. I would have liked for it to be longer to really give me a taste of what the game has to offer as it goes forward.

[people filmed what they were doing] Wait. What year is it? Wouldn’t pre-unified Italy be pre-1861? Do they have film? I don’t think they have film?

[bother you anymore,” M says] Missing your name var here.

[Maria comes down and puts his hand on your shoulder. “I knew you could do it and… “she starts, but then stops when notices your strangely pale face,] Got some pronoun confusion here.

On the last page, I’m talking to M and suddenly there’s a man who seems to have just finished telling a story and someone named Catherine? Felt like a huge chunk of narrative was missing.

So, I do really like this concept. I would play the hell out of (ha) a game like this. But this needs some work. There’s a lot of stuff that needs clarification (setting, time period, characters, choices) and the whole of it really just needs more meat. I don’t usually say “it’s too short” but it’s too short. There are a lot of places that could really use more detail and more time, which will necessitate it being longer. Overall, I don’t think the demo really gives players an idea of what the game will be offering them as it progresses and that’s really the Big Thing you want your demo to do. I still think the idea has a ton of potential and I’m really interested in the story and setting you describe in the intro post, but I think the demo needs some more time and polish to be what you describe in the intro post. I hope this is helpful. Thanks for sharing it; it’s such a cool, fun concept!

[Harley_Robin_Evans]

Sounds interesting

[Aries]

Can we back Austria during uprisings?

[Raven_de_Hart]

Song of the damned with historical overtones.

I see what you did there.

[Cryzhentia]

So from the prologue MC is a Priest/Nun?

[Raphael_Dusk]

First of all, thank you for the criticisms you made, they are very useful and you pointed out errors (including translation errors) that I had not seen. The only two notes to make are:

Michele and Nicola in the Italian language are masculine names, in fact I have never understood exactly why Nicola is used in the feminine form in other countries.

The story takes place in 1848, so before the unification