When the MC gets annoyed Lea to the point he , she or they want to kill Lea it will look like this in my mind the images from legend of the legendary heroes
Straight up one of my favorite WIP’s, i loooove this kind of setting! I’m super excited to see what’s more to come! I’m also interested in knowing who the potential 3rd RO is? (I’m assuming the non-binary one is Clementine but i might be wrong!) I’m feeling that maybe they are a healer?
@fisheye this made me laugh so much i will definitely be adding this option in the future hahaha
@CynicalCream yes lea & clementine are two of the potential ROs, the other two we have yet to meet! and u may be right… thank u for the kind words!
I love this so so so so so much. First of all, HORROR is * chef’s kiss *. Second I already love the characters, every interaction felt normal, the pacing is good and it totally engrossed me. (I didn’t even mind reading the whole bit about the nation’s feuding which i totally skip out on… a lot. oof) Third, DEFO got Witcher vibes. I keep imagining geralt brooding somewhere in the distance
Seems interesting so far, would prefer more options for our characters personality though. It is reminding of the Witcher a lot. Lea is alright so far and Clementine annoys me wanted to leave them in the woods or get rid of them, but guessing they’re stuck with us for the rest of the story.
I wanna play d and d with you lol
This is so good. Obviously it’s sad that you couldn’t get it running as a campaign for your friends, but I’m selfishly glad that you are sharing it with us own. Your horror writing is unsettling and truly frightening, especially because the MC is such a self-reliant, confident badass. The character interactions with Lea are natural for two people on the road together who are not exactly friends. The only gripe I have is the decision to either take the draught or not. It felt like I was pushed to make a choice without really knowing enough about the MC and their world yet.
I can see why people have been saying there’s witcher influences, but when ever I see the term hunter I always think of bloodborne
@Zinasejana thank u so much!!! really glad to hear that regarding the horror aspect. and i didn’t even think about that with the draught, i’ll keep that in mind and see if i can work it in a little better
@Elsee thanks!!! glad to hear the exposition is relatively painless that’s always something i worry about is just info-dumping on a reader hahaha
@Artemis1 the reaction to clementine is not something i expected to be honest hahaha but i will say they’re personality will be getting worked on, a lot of the scenes with them in this demo i struggled to write like the camp scene and i knew i would need to go back and work on them, and i think that fact is showing mostly through clementine and imo their lack of personality.
i have a specific image in my mind for clem and i definitely missed the mark so far and i’m grateful for the feedback
@Bluebunny9 hahaha yeah i think it’s apparent witcher is an inspiration, as well as grey wardens from dragon age, & whalers from dishonored, and i’ve never played bloodborne but the monsters from that & dark souls for sure !
once again thanks to all of u for reading and leaving these comments!
Wow, a great game! Somehow reminds me of The Witcher game series. Good luck! I’m adding this game to my favorites
This was really well written, definitely grabbed my attention! It definitely doesn’t seem to be a slow burner either jumping right into the action, which was great by the way. Also I love reading books where the MC is capable, rather than having to rely almost solely on a group of friends or team to keep them safe!
I can’t say whether or not I got Witcher vibes from this though as I never played the game or watched the show, but anyway besides the point keep up the good work I look forward to where you go next with this!
What got your interest to making the story like a motivation
New update for 9/22/20! A major overhaul, the update includes:
- A new weapon option!
- A bit more lore and background for the hunter.
- More interactions with Lea and Clementine.
- More player options, in general.
- Flirt options
Current total word count: 68k~
Stats page is still not accurate. Don’t rely on the stats page too much at this point, the only one that matters is your combat skill. I still haven’t quite figured out how I want the stats to function, and am working on it moving forward.
Hope you all enjoy! Once again, I’d appreciate any and all feedback from readers.
The content warnings have been updated as well! Please check those if you need to.
aaaaaaaaaaaa it’s back!
Normally I’m not a fan of fantasy, but this is a definite exception.
Bunch of stuff under the cut. Some of it is typos and small grammatical errors, but other stuff (like sentence structure/word choice) is definitely subjective, so feel free to ignore it if you disagree!
You move farther inward, broken wood creaking beneath you. It gets darker as you move inward, the gray sky vanishing overhead as you duck down into the hold, reaching out for anything to guide your way. Your fingers brush along the wall, and you run your hand along as you move forward.
It was a little strange to read “move inward” twice in two sentences. Maybe you could use “It gets darker as you walk” instead?
There is nothing else in the world you want to do right now than get to the source of that power. It compels your forward, into darkness, into water deeper still, until it is sloshing against your chest as you struggle to walk.
“you want to do more right now than”
Also, “It compels you forward”
You approach it carefully at first, but your breathing grows rapid, and invisible hands grab at you, ushering your forward, and you thrash in the water, moving as fast as you can, violently, inhaling some of the water as it splashes around you."ushering you forward"
You can feel clawed hands grab at your ankles, your legs, your arms, pulling you down, tearing at your clothes and piercing your skin.Were you going for repetition here? I see how it could be effective, but personally it reads a little dry to me, especially since all the sentences are relatively long and have a similar structure. If you do want to change it, I would suggest "Clawed hands grab..." and "A hand grabs at..." for the first and fourth paragraphs, respectively. That way it isn't "You ___" so many times in a row.
You convulse violently, your body struggling to expel the water from your lungs as more floods in.
You stare up into the fading light, feeling your body grow weak, giving into the clawing hands, your blood churning around you in the water.
You feel a hand grab at your throat, caressing a thumb over your skin, pulling you down as the dark water turns red.
You peak outside but see no activity around the kitchen and only hear quiet voices coming from the front room."peek"
They look right fucking cozy, their long limbs nearly taking up the whole pantry and their black hair falling everywhere, loose from it’s usual bun. *(they/them pronouns)*"its"
Your extreme strength, your focus, and powerful senses all come from the Ladder. That’s what puts you above anyone else – that’s what let’s you be the best, and do what a hunter needs to do."lets"
But you don't know how much of that was true, and how much of it was stories to keep you compliant and willful to take a potion you know nothing about."willing" instead of "willful"
It’s pretty early in the morning, long shadows still hanging about and stars still peaking through the cloudy sky."peeking"
Another’s knife simply would not work for you, or your knife for them. It is bound only to you, and it’s power responds only to you."its"
She takes her own mug back and you watch as she pours half of it’s contents into yours, splitting it evenly between the two of you. She offers you back your mug."its"
To be fair, I was listening. Or at least I tried too. Lea is so dry when she talks about jobs, it's not my fault it puts me to sleep."tried to"
“I know. I don’t like it either,” Lea says, sighing as well. “I’m well tired of the cold by now.” She pauses. “Maybe if the snows holds, we can ride all the way through, at least for tonight. Keep us moving.”"snow holds" and "snows hold" would both work, but not "snows holds" :P
A general, very subjective suggestion that you can absolutely ignore:
There are a few passages in your writing filled to the brim with long, beautiful sentences, but I think they would benefit from shorter sentences thrown in occasionally. It helps give the prose rhythm and breaks up the…I don’t want to say monotony, since your writing is by no means boring (otherwise I wouldn’t be here!). However, I believe that could elevate those sections even more. Just something you may want to keep in mind!
If you want an example, I thought the paragraph below worked very well. The varied sentence length and structure makes the writing feel alive and particularly pleasant to read.
Of course, you also have your hunter’s knife, always on you, strapped to your thigh. That’s what really gets things done. Bestowed upon you once you had completed your apprenticeship, it is the staple of every hunter’s armory. You cannot fight the things you do without it. Though they may appear uniform in nature – a dark blue blade and a stark white handle – each hunter’s knife is crafted specially for each hunter. Another’s knife simply would not work for you, or your knife for them. It is bound only to you, and it’s power responds only to you.
thank you so much!!! you can tell i have a big problem mixing up my ‘its/it’s’ and mistyping ‘your’ when i mean ‘you’ LOL so i really appreciate that because i always miss the little things when i edit and those are two errors i make pretty frequently.
also it’s funny you said something about the double ‘inward’ because i remember making a note of that at one point and i guess i just never went back to change it. that whole opening sequence is still pretty rough to be honest and will probably be changed eventually, i definitely appreciate the feedback on it!
and i do need to be better about my run on sentences, i just love commas unfortunately hahaha. i’ll definitely be mindful of it going forward and try to get some variety in there! thanks so much for all ur advice and input, i really appreciate it, it’s a big help for me!!
Iv been going through a lot of text based RPGs and this game here is a sure winner. I can vouch for that just by playing the demo. Honestly, the vibe is similar to that of fallen hero and breach: the archangel job. Don’t ask me how, lol, but I have a gut-feelin type vibe that it’s gonna be awesome. Question- have you decided on a word count for the game? Other than that, I seriously can’t find any fault with it. The grammars on point too. Awesome job, overall, can’t wait for further updates and the full game!
To quote the MC, “Wow… just wow.” Fantastic game so far! What a thrill!I love the battle with the wraith, that was dope! Especially shooting out streaks of lightning, so cool
@Paradox1 wow thank you so much! i’ve read fallen hero and being compared to that means a lot to me! and i haven’t even thought about overall word count, i am hoping to keep it as one book though. honestly the demo was supposed to be the prologue and it got way longer than i expected so we’ll see how it goes hahaha
@Jackpot1776 thank you for the kind words! that scene was a beast to write hahaha so i’m glad you enjoyed it
Wish the MC could use a sword and a bow like a ranger and why don’t they wear a mask with the hood that they wear would help the not letting people know who you are but all in all this was great so far amazing work.
I think it’s less to do with the MC hiding who they are, and more so hiding what they are. They’re trying to blend in by hiding the gold of their eyes; I’d think a mask would be more conspicuous and, conversely, draw more attention to them.