The Noir Curse (WIP) (Some feedback?)

high-fantasy
young-adult-fiction
gender-choice

#41

Okay! So update:

  1. I added a non binary option.
  2. Now you can skip to chapter 2 from the beginning cuz I know its a little tedious for testers to start from the beginning all the time. Ofc this is a temporary thing because the stats wont be right.
  3. I added some name options, but you can still create your own name. (Uh tell me what you guys think about the names options, I tried looking for gender neutral names that sounded a little fantasy-ish? lol)

What I’m working on now:

  1. I still have to work out the info dump at the beginning, hopefully I’ll post something by tonight to ask for some feedback on what option would be best.
  2. I have to add at least one more personality choice in the choices like some of you have pointed out.
  3. Really need to fix settling on past or present while I write :joy: but since I have to proof read the whole thing for that, I’m sort of putting that off for later, after I finish doing the rest of the stuff.

aaaand that’s it! I’ll start working on chapter 3 when I can (can’t wait to introduce you the gods guys xD)


#42

So I tried to start over from the beginning but I get this error if I choose anything other than non binary


#43

Sorry for that! Already fixed it now. Check it out and tell me if it worked :smile:


#44

Yes it did :+1:


#45

Is there anyway the genders of the gods could be determined by the players sexuality. I get that there are other RO’s if your not attracted to men, it just kinda feels strange if your job is get one of the gods to fall for you and your not attracted to their gender. Idk maybe i’m just being nitpicky so take this with a handful of salt.


#46

No, sorry :frowning: sadly the ROs are gender locked. I know it sucks but that’s why I made other ROs available that had other genders.


#47

Hey guys!

So I came up with two alternate options for the beggining. I’ll be making a poll so you guys can vote for whichever you like the most.

OPTION 1:

Ten young men and women have been chosen. The fate of their kingdom on their hands. Their goal? Win the Night God twins’ hearts. And as fate would have it, you were one of the ten.

Would you like to read the prologue or move on?

*choice

#Yes

#No

The kingdom of Evander had always been ruled by the Sun God, Destan. The land was beautiful, prosperous and bright, everyone lived in perfect harmony with each other. That is, until the Night Gods appeared. They were set on destroying the Sun God, their reasons not really known. Some said it was due to jealousy, others said the Night Gods just wished to rampage chaos on the mortal realm. Either way, the war raged on for eons, the mortal realm designated as the battleground. The land was destroyed and ravaged by the fight between the Gods. But in the end, the pair won. Defeated now, Destan had admitted his loss and was ready to die at the hands of the Night Gods. However, instead of killing him, the twin locked the Sun God up. His location unknown. That was the last time the land heard of their God, and that was the last time the sun ever rose again.

The land was now under the twins’ power, to do as they pleased. An eternal darkness plunged into Evander. The start of the endless night’s rule began. Creatures of evil now roamed the earth, tormenting the humans without mercy. Generation after generation was born under complete darkness, with only the pale light of the moon and stars to guide them. It was hell on earth. They called it The Noir Curse.

Human after human came to the twins castle in hopes of defeating the Night Gods or saving their own Sun God. Of course all of them failed and soon enough, nobody dared approach the place.

‘Until now.’ You thought to yourself.

With a sigh, you close the book, specks of dust flying in the air. You had been reading this story for the past two hours, over and over again, wondering how you had ended in this position.

Ten young men and women have been chosen. The fate of their kingdom on their hands. Their goal? Win the twins’ heart. And as fate would have it, you were one of the ten.

OPTION 2:

“The kingdom of Evander had always been ruled by the Sun God, Destan. The land was beautiful, prosperous and bright, everyone lived in perfect harmony with each other. That is, until the Night Gods appeared.” You read, flipping page after page and only stopped when one of the younglings sitting on the floor gasped and exclaimed. “Oh! I know what they did!”

*choice

#“Shhh Nehemia, let me finish the story.”

With a small pout, little Nehemia sits back down and listens attentively. You never really liked it when they interrupted, it sort of broke the mood you were trying to place. You clear your throat once again and proceed reading the story.
*goto continue_story

#“Please, little sir, enlighten us with what you know.”

The little boy that goes by Nehemia gives you a toothy grin and says excitedly, “They tried to kill the Sun God!” You snicker, amused by his enthusiasm and nod while saying, “Something like that.” With that, he sat back down proudly and you cleared your throat to continue reading.
*goto continue_story

*label continue_story
“The Night Gods were set on destroying the Sun God, their reasons not really known.” Whilst you read, shadows appeared on the far off wall of the room, depicting the story as you read. The younglings listened attentively as they watched the figures move, even though they had heard this story a thousand times. “Some said it was due to jealousy, others said the Night Gods just wished to rampage chaos on the mortal realm. Either way, the war raged on for eons, the mortal realm designated as the battleground. The land was destroyed and ravaged by the fight between the Gods. But in the end, the pair won.”

The kids groaned at that, while the shadow representing the Sun God fel lto one knee. Nehemia spoke up again, a little angrily now, “That’s not fair! And anyways, shouldn’t light be more powerful than the darkness?” They looked at you expectantly. You placed your book down and pondered before answering…

*choice
#“I agree, light is more powerful than the dark.”
You really had hoped the Sun God had won, but alas, life wasn’ fair. Maybe good doesn’t always win. Hearing your answer, Nehemia puffs his cheeks, happy that you had agreed with him. With a shake of your head you flip the page and continue.
*goto defeat

#“Hmm, I don’t know about that. There’s a reason why the Night Gods won.”
Light may be powerful, but most of the time it gets beaten by darkness. You know that from life experience. Hearing your answer, Nehemia sits back down and pouts again. You flip the page and continue.
*goto defeat

#“I really don’t know, one cannot exist without the other, right?”
Hearing your answer the younglings tilt their head and glance at you confused. You waved a hand dismissing the thought and decide to simply flip the page and continue. You weren’t about to discuss philosophies with children.
*goto defeat

*label defeat
Clearing your throat once again, the shadows resumed their show. “Defeated now, Destan had admitted his loss and was ready to die at the hands of the Night Gods. However, instead of killing him, the twins locked the Sun God up.” A small shadow of the enchained Destan appeared on the wall. “His location unknown. That was the last time the land heard of their God, and that was the last time the sun ever rose again.” The shadow of a sun dipped into the horizon, to never appear again.

“The land was now under the twins’ power, to do as they pleased. An eternal darkness plunged into Evander. The start of the endless night’s rule began.” The lights in the room dimmed a little, as the horrible picture was played in the wall. The children listened quietly, some of them hugging each other. “Creatures of evil now roamed the earth, tormenting the humans without mercy. Generation after generation was born under complete darkness, with only the pale light of the moon and stars to guide them. It was hell on earth. They called it,” You paused, peeking at the children’s faces over the book before…

*choice
#I wanted to frighten them, so I made the shadows spook the children.
With a mischievous smirk, you twist your fingers behind your back, disrupting the shadow show and making disturbing patterns on the wall at the same time you said in a terrible voice, “The Noir Curse!” The children scream in cue and you can’t help but laugh at their reactions. However, they were used to your pranks so after giving you some dirty looks they settle back down. Some even tuck their tongue out at you.
*goto story_end

#Aw, I can’t possibly scare these cute little creatures.
They looked frightened enough as it is and you didn’t want to add more to that fear. So instead of frightening them you continue normally and finally say, “The Noir Curse.” They gasped dramatically at that, which made you smile a little amused by their reactions.
*goto story_end

*label story_end
“Human after human came to the twins’ castle in hopes of defeating the Night Gods or saving their own Sun God. Of course, all of them failed and soon enough, nobody dared approach the place ever again. Up to this day, the twins have remained locked up in their castle, doing gods know what to Destan.” You slammed the book close and stood up, the lights in the room litting up to their fullest. “Well then! That’s all for tonight!” The children groaned, obviously wanting to hear another story. But it was getting late and they should probably get going.

You bid them all farewell and close the door to your home after the last one went away. Of course, you would have never imagined that later this evening, you would be informed that you had been chosen to participate in a quest to recover the sun and break the Noir Curse.


#48
  • Option 1
  • Option 2

0 voters


#49

I really like option two! Especially getting to change the way we tell the story a little bit to suit our personalities.

If you decide to implement option two, might I suggest a short goodbye scene with the kids before we go on our quest? It would be a bit strange to introduce us to a named character (Nehemia) who disappears without mention. I don’t know what you have planned for the end, but maybe there could be some kind of reunion in the epilogue too if it works out/fits your story.

And later when we interact with the bartender, it would make sense to tell us/let us decide why we were with these kids to begin with during the background question.

It’s fun to see your progress :slight_smile:


#50

Sounds good! I’ll make sure to add that and thank you!


#51

I’m glad you added name options because I can never figure out what to call my character. I think I like Zennith the magician the best. :woman_mage:

I used the chapter two option to talk to the other characters. I tried the friendly and flirty options, and it feels like the conversation with Ava is shorter and a bit lacking compared to the other two.

I also tried not speaking to any of them, and looking at the stats page, it doesn’t seem I get anything from it while speaking to the others can cause relationship and friendliness increases. Maybe give a small increase in strength or magic or something, since you are simply relaxing after that trip through the woods?

In fact, it appears there’s a stat increase when I simply approach each character. You might want to change that, because I was able to approach Razyel (which made his bar go to 10%), then say I wanted to approach someone else and went to Ava (which made her bar go to 10%), then say I wanted to approach else and went back to Razyel (which made his bar go to 18%), and then said I’ll just meet them all later. So I didn’t actually meet them, but still got a relationship increase.

Also, if you do choose to meet them later after first approaching someone, it seems there’s a paragraph or two cut off. It starts with “You can’t help but glance towards the source of the clapping.” when normally, if you decide to meet them later without approaching anyone, it starts with, “For now, you see no need to meet them all.”

I think option 2 for the intro is great. It’s interactive and fun, and both gives the player information while letting them start to form who they want the player character to be.


#52

Hmm i have to figure out the stats tbh. For now they’re mostly experimental so they’re not my priority until the chapter is set.

Oh I’ll have to check that out, thank you for pointing it out!


#53

The demo looks amazing!:+1:t3: Keep up the good work!:+1:t3:


#54

I like the story so far, it has those classical Dungeons and Dragons mood which thrive on fantasy theme with its colourful characters :slight_smile:

Your description as well as interaction of the non player characters are truly marvelous, the conversation with them are lively and intriguing … with the sense of meeting them as the will of destiny…

Well… i must say i like both Ivory and Ava thus far, both features had been carefully described and their conversation are unique… i will pursue one of them as love interest :-):relaxed:

And the princess is definitely a candidate for those who like rival-mance :-):grin:


#55

First of all: I’m loving your story! The characters presented so far seem nice and the background is really interesting. My vote definitely goes to option two. It sounds more interactive, even if the choices don’t end up changing anything.

Still, I have to partially agree with @erconn; both gods being men is… kinda weird. The gods have chosen “10 young men and women” to win the twins’ heart, but they didn’t think that it’s unfair if any of the chosen isn’t attracted to men? I mean, if any of the 10 isn’t into men, they’re basically dead weight, because they won’t try to win the twins’ heart but are still occupying one slot. With one twin being a man and the other a woman, it would make more sense and would give certain players more options. Of course, it’s just my opinion.

Also, maybe you could use summaries in the main post when speaking about the ROs. Some people might prefer to be surprised and I think it could look more organized.


#56

I see where @Perom is coming from. More female ROs will appeal to a wider audience for sure. Having said that, do what’s right for your story.

Have you considered making the ROs gender flippable? Both the Wayhaven Chronicles and The Shadow Society do that (as well as a ton of others like Lost Heir for example). Another by Lucid lets you pick the gender of each character individually. It can be done really well, so it might be something to consider if you want to appeal to a larger audience but don’t want to commit to F!Gods.


#57

Concerning the gender of the Gods, I would have to think about it. Originally the story I had in mind needed both Gods to be males, so I’ll have to see how I would change the story to fit a female gods :thinking:


#58

Do whatever’s best for your story first and foremost :slight_smile:


#59

Oh? :eyes:

Oh???

Seems like I already found a favorite

Also I found a minor spelling mistake:

Your*


#60

:eyes: rhysand is :sweat_drops::sweat_drops::sweat_drops::sweat_drops:

Also, thank you for pointing out that mistake!