I really like what I’ve read so far. I’ve only gone through it once, but here are my thoughts and what I noticed:
First, I agree that the story shouldn’t start with an infodump. Since the player character is supposed to be reading from a book, I was taken out of the story entirely when I began wondering who wrote it. I think it has too much information that somewhat conflicts and that I’m not sure a single source within the story could have.
What I mean is, it describes the Sun God as benevolent and that under his rule everyone lived in harmony, but also notes that the reason for the Night Gods’ actions were because the Sun God belittled them, and that death was too good for the Sun God (which makes the Sun God seem not so good after all). Why and how would whoever wrote the book know the Night Gods’ thoughts and motives? Or how would they know that the Sun God was ready to die? It feels like the story within the book jumps from the perspective of humans to the Night Gods to the Sun God and then back again.
Secondly, when chosen for the quest, I answered: “Why do I have to join?”, and the next paragraph made it seem like the main character is forced to agree just to get the lord off their back or for whatever their reasons, which you note. Not because they feel destined to or out of the goodness of their hearts. But then when Ivory asks me why, the only closest answer to that is “I didn’t really want to come, but it felt like the right thing to do.” I think maybe you should take out “but it felt like the right thing to do” or add another answer like “my reasons are my own” or something along those lines so it calls back to the choice made earlier.
Third, when I talked to Razyel and chose “I can see us becoming good friends!”, the second line in the paragraph, “But that’s it!” stood out to me. I’m not sure if he’s a RO or not, but if feels like the player character’s protesting too much and they really do want to become more. And if he is a RO, does choosing that line mean I can’t romance him in the future? Also, I feel like having two sentences in a row with exclamation points seems a bit excessive, but that could just be me.
That’s it so far. Can’t wait to meet the Night Gods.