When during previous update we could select our four main stats to be proficient in during military academy, now we can just be proficient in one in this update? Or is it an error?
Okay, now I get it. I can’t tell you a lot because it would result in spoilers. I urge you to have patience and stick to your strengths. There will be other chances for you to up your skills but they will upgrade by a small %.
You have a solid plot here that is super interesting. The characters look promising and I’m eager to see more!
Your spelling and grammar are fine, no problems there. I think you said English isn’t your native language, but you clearly have a solid grasp of it. I wouldn’t worry over those parts since they’re easily fixed.
My feedback is more on the writing style, tone, and mood, which are huge pains for any author. The prologue is really well done, but the voice you’ve established drops off afterwards. This is something I’m not too good at explaining, but there are probably easy guides online to help elaborate on how to work on them.
What I can explain better is structure. I think it would be good to shake it up a bit. As of now, you tend to follow the same structure for your sentences and dialogue. This creates a bit of a “robotic” or “emotionless” tone to the work.
I’ll see if an example makes what I’m trying to say more clear. Let me pull a passage and do a rough rewrite of it to show what I mean.
They adopted you as a baby and it’s easy to tell because you don’t resemble either of your parents. Your parents revealed the truth to you on your 12th birthday. You felt sad but got over it.
You walk into the kitchen and see your mother chopping tomatoes. Strands of her once bright auburn curls fall into her doe like green eyes.
Upon seeing you enter the kitchen, your mother says, “Ah, there you are girl. Your breakfast is on the table, go on and eat it before it gets cold,”.
Here are my changes:
You were adopted as a baby, something easily confirmed as you resemble neither of your parents. They revealed this truth to you on your twelfth birthday. Initially, you were saddened, but overtime you came to accept it.
Walking into the kitchen, you see your mother chopping tomatoes. Strands of her once bright auburn curls fall into her doe-like green eyes. [Very good sentence]
“Ah,” you mother chirps as she notices you enter, “Your breakfast is on the table. Go on and eat it before it gets cold.”
I am not saying this is how you should write or mine is some immaculate work. I’m just showing an example on what I meant. Changing it around can make it feel more organic.
Overall, my best advice is to write write write and read read read. By spending a lot of time reading, you start to naturally develop your own author’s voice and how you like to structure your work.
I’m super excited to see more!
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Hmmm no I get what you mean. I know the issue you are talking about. When I sat to rewrite and check the mistakes, I read a self help book. The problem is that if every sentence starts with the same word, then it gets monotonous and boring to read. Like in the message you sent me, I used “You” twice at the beginnings of two sentences one after the other. Then it gets boring, cause it starts off like an obituary or something.
But I did try to limit that and in the writing of the other chapters, I scrounged it up.
I would really appreciate it if you could read chapter 3 and 4 and tell me if I got better or it’s the same issue there as well.
And I love how you edited the paragraph. Truth be told, writing is a side hobby of mine. This is my first time writing a story. I am still a caterpillar and am willing to learn from anyone who can help me be a better writer.
I’ll try to iron out the kinks, over time.
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Great story! I think you have a great idea that can turn into something amazing. Some comments:
- You have a lot of interesting and fleshed out lore but this leads to a lot of reading with very little interaction. I think you can try and balance the text to choice ratio a bit better. Your pieces of text are also quite long and I think you can break it down into more pages to make it more manageable.
- I’m struggling to immerse myself into the MC. I get the feeling that you had a set character in mind and added options that we can customise. Giving us more choices to make the character our own would be great. Small interactions like allowing us to decide how we felt about our adoption? Giving us more options during the fight scene e.g. how we react initially, when he pulls out the knife, do we try to help him (e.g. when working at the clinic). Allowing us to react to what is happening instead of telling us how our character reacts will really help with immersion. Another point, I don’t mind swearing but the character I built would not swear, so maybe give us the option to swear instead of making it official dialogue?
I look forward to your future updates
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Hi I really like the game but I think pace of the romance with Alister is moving way slow to within the realm of the game. I mean about five or six years have passed and despite being able to flirt with since you were teenagers the game implies you guys haven’t even kissed so far. How the romance develops basically implies that in those time skips the relationship doesn’t advance at all which doesn’t make any sense. I get that you might want to keep the points of the romance where the reader can experience them but it just doesn’t make any sense. Other than that I really like the story.
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Bets on if the MC got put in suspended animation?
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See, the thing is that is pretty much spoiler territory and you get to pick your romance officially in the ending of chapter 6. If you pick Alistair then you get the backstory of what he thinks and feels about you. So wait for it.
Hmmm…look there is a special scene coming up where the MC chooses how they feel about their bio parents and how they feel towards adoptive parents, as well. That is why I haven’t added it. Secondly, I have made another draft for the first two chapters and will be uploading them later when I put up chapter 5 and 6. Thirdly, you are in the army now, and swearing is part of the norm. I think I put it in my warnings list. But now that you mention it, I might lessen the swears the MC uses.
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If you can’t it’s fine but is there any way you could add a hint or two that Alister is the one that is stopping the relationship from progressing further because right now it just feels like he’s just as willing as the MC so its hard to believe he has any issue with it.
I absolutely love the update! This is really good and the last dream i thought this is it, but woke up instead, Damn that was good. Anyway I am really getting into this. Good luck and good writing
Reading a good story like making characters of random soldiers I’m making this because I’m enjoying this story so this is fan character
Name Moua Oka
Sex male
Age 21
Rank lieutenant
Eye color dark blue
Hair color Brown
Station hell on Earth and his standards the bloody f****** desert that is from his own words in the report
Likes want something cold
Dislikes his x Superior officer and the desert he station on
Job Small Arms of repair
Military history he has a history of hitting his ex Superior officer for sending him in a death run to the desert to get supplies for barely anything at that time. let me just say broke his superiors legs he was not kicked out Army because only one there who knew to fix guns but for breaking his superiors legs he was sent five months in The Stockade for his Superior officer he was discharged
Family history orphan Street kid did everything to survive even stole from the Army until he got caught sent to military service for those crimes
Personality he cares about people and he hates being sent on suicide missions for nothing being sent on those he might use violence if it was meant for nothing so what I’m trying to say is a caring person but easily a hot head but very intelligent
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I’m going to go out on a limb here, and assume that your nightmares, which I am beginning to doubt are just nightmares, that’s a genetic thing? That’s how, captain, I forget the name, was able to do what he did?
Also. Foreshadowing? 
I liked chapter 4, characters seem well done, it was nice to see through the eyes,/get into the head, of one of the characters, especially since they seem to be, as far as described, the most aloof one.
I believe someone said a few posts back that they had a problem with a three-year time skip as far as flirting when? Personally I don’t, you could always just say that you and your childhood friend were separated, the walls always have to have people, and practicality cares little for much, romance, being very very low on that list.
That’s all I got. Hopefully some of that helps. Good luck on riding I look forward to the next update.
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I wouldn’t be bothered by the lack of development in the relationship if the two were separated for the majority of time but there is nothing to indicate they were. I have no issue with lack of development between time skips if there is a good reason for it.
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Shrug
Loved the new update. Teri’s thoughts about MC are interesting to say the least. Does MC have some type of future foreshadowing like that Nicholas Cage movie?
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Hmmmm, I like the idea, add it I shall but I will be changing the rank, I have some ideas but you will be seeing this character in the next update 
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Yeah that’s spoiler territory
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The Geography of Sienna doesn’t work. It freezes every time I click on it.
No, it works. You have to be a little patient because loading the image takes time
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