I’ve seen someone accidentally stab themselves. That shit was hilarious never laughed that had before. I was a bystander but still. Hilarious 
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Did they deserve it?
Also, might just be the Star Wars in me, before. We do not talk about those new movies. Whenever I hear stabs themselves, a picture pops in my head of somebody holding a light sabre held the wrong way before activating it.
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Is it wrong my MC want to stab Cruger and was waiting for that choice to appear? But that irritating piece of shit aside I loved the demo and Alice is making me swoon. Can’t wait to see the next update. All the best Author
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This teaches you something never let an idiot holding knife to try to fight someone Noble or not jealous idiot like him stabbing himself makes sense
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I mean getting stabbed by a switchblade and that by own hands requires a special level of incompetency and he is wondering why Alice rejected him?I can’t remember last time when I was so irritated by a character who is not even main focus of plot in a WIP
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GWOH, I’m excited!!! ۹(ÒہÓ)۶
I’ll bookmark this.
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Is it possible to be compassionate and cruel? I mean, I am a compassionate and feelings-all-the-way guy, but I soo didn’t give a shoot abt this bully’s death. I think it shouldn’t mean the MC is callous, as stats said. After the choice of being glad the dude is gone MC become cruel AND callous, I think its not entirely fair in the terms of character building
Hey, someone just died and you were happy, I say no matter who that is even your worst enemy, celebrating their death is not compassion
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Thank you so much, I owe you big time
That was surprising too. I felt happy the incompetent died but it reduced that compassion. I hope we get chance to increase that loss in future. But I didn’t wanted Cruger to die I am rather thankful as well that he got what he deserved. I mean 63 freaking case!!!
Hmmm…It will be fixed soon
It also maybe a bug but if I select sword fighting as my best combat stat and then melee fighting, the melee fighting stats decreases to 21 rather than increasing.
Hello! I’m excited to play your demo! I will write my thoughts as I go:
(This ended up much longer than I thought it would be, so I’ve divided it by chapters!)
Chapter 1
- I can tell that AoT was an influence! (so far i like this more tho lol)
- I really love how you jump straight into the story from Chapter 1! It immediately sets a quick pace.
- You have a little bit of repetition here:
I think it would flow better to say something like “your little brothers […] They are identical twins ten years younger than you.” - When expressing annoyance with your brothers, I think you should write it as normal instead of bold or in capslock. That way, it may be a bit easier for people playing quieter characters to reconcile that with their MC.
- I think this part doesn’t flow well, either:
I would suggest something like “The truth is, you are adopted. Your parents told you when you were 12.” This may also be a good place to make a fake choice for the player: let them choose if they’re over it now, if they angst about it, or if they’re fine but still wonder about their birth parents. It doesn’t have to have any impact on the story, and you don’t even need to make it a variable. But it would let the player feel a bit more control over the MC. - This part doesn’t flow well, either:
You mention that we were going to take an apple, then have our mother tell us to take an apple, then we respond with “No, I’m going to take an apple.” I think just a quick re-write/edit should fix that, though! - It may have just been an error with programming, but you introduce Alistair Basri before allowing us to choose if it’s Alistair or Alice.
- I think you do a very good job Basri’s dialogue! It feels organic, and sounds like how real people talk.
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I might have missed something, and I apologize if I did, but I think something is missing here, because it doesn’t read like this should be the response to Basri. - I would like to see more choices in how to handle Cruger and his goons. It can still end with what happened, but I felt a bit powerless in how to respond here.
- When talking to Basri afterwards, I would appreciate an option to express concern for Cruger.
- While I really enjoyed your pacing in the beginning, I think after meeting Basri it begins to feel a bit rushed. I think slowing it down with some more conversation after Cruger would help.
Chapter 2
- You’ve set up an interesting mystery with the dad and his uniform! Really hope he’s okay
- I chuckled at “divhoe.”
- Why is Farling so attached to us? I’m not sure if this is something that will be revealed later or not, but it might be nice to have a chance to talk to them more in our cell to establish some sort of camaraderie first.
- I think you should limit a bit of the bold type. It loses its effect a bit when used often.
- I would enjoy more of a chance to respond in our trial. Every so often if we could give our opinion, it would make it feel like we have more agency in the story.
- I can’t tell you how relieved I felt when Dad came in and was not mysteriously missing anymore
- Oh, NOW I understand why Farling cares! Still, I think having a chance to establish a bit more of a friendship with him would be a great addition.
- I really love the letter prologues, but I think that “less is more” is good for details. For example, when describing our mother, I think it would flow better to just say “long, (hair type) (hair color) hair”, without the detail about the fish braid. Or potentially “Your (hair color) hair was braided…”
Chapter 3
- When talking to Aiden, this choice is worded repetitively:
- I think adding the choice of “I don’t want to go, but I won’t tell Aiden that.” would be a good idea. It gives us more control over the MC, and allows us to decide if we want to make our brother feel better about us going by pretending that we are excited to go.
- lol me when our uncleshows up:
- I think the pacing in this chapter is the best of the 3!
- I would prefer it if you remove the p*dophile joke. It’s something that immediately put a bad taste in my mouth regarding Allen. It would be better to remove it, move the “47-year-old man dates 19-year-old women” line to its spot, and then end with Allen’s retort about his body.
- Definitely wasn’t expecting the whole birth dad thing!
All in all, I really like what you have so far! I just think going over it again will help iron out some of the kinks. I can’t wait to see what else you do with this story!
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Don’t worry I will fix it
Woah, I love how you made it so detailed. thank you so much for taking it seriously and I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration.
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One more thing, About the apple part, the thing is my mom and I have weird conversations like that so I put it in there but yes, I could edit it a bit like you said. Ch 1 was a bit rushed and I didn’t put a choice in the how to deal with Cruger scene because sometimes in life, you don’t get the choice and have to work it out on the fly, and remember that in this one, all your actions have consequences.
Ch 2, I put all the loud stuff in bold, but if you want I have no issue in removing and editing it.
And about the letters, it’s written by a soldier who are trained to be detail oriented, so it comes out when he writes…
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Hey, no worries! With the apple, since we don’t really know your mom and that dynamic, it doesn’t read clearly for a reader.
And I get that, regarding Cruger! I just thought having an option to attempt to talk him down (though it fails) would feel more empowering for the reader.
With the bolding, it’s purely my own opinion. In my experience bold is typically used for emphasis rather than loudness, so it’s totally understandable if you keep it the way you have it!
I don’t mean that detail is bad, necessarily. Just that sometimes, even if a character is detail-oriented, there can potentially be too much detail for a reader. The long hair followed by the clarification that the braid reaches mid-back makes the detail seem repetitive rather than informative, for example, which can impact flow of the story.
I do really like your story! I hope I’ve been clear with that lol, I wouldn’t have written as much if I didn’t 
I think it has tons of potential and you write very confidently! When your pacing is good, like in Chapter 3 and the beginning of Chapter 1, it’s incredible!
Another question I have, During time in Military training when we got the option to select our stats, do they always increase the same regardless of their selection number?? For example if I select Charming last out of the four available stats boost it will increase the same if we select it as our first??
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Hey, hey don’t worry I really love that you went through the motions , it means that out here my story and creativity is appreciated, so thanks k
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