The Eyes of Westerhollow [WiP] - Prologue *(Sneaky Tumblr Update)

Now you mention it, I see where you’re going. A bit off-topic, but reminds me of Hollywood copy-pasting Bourne trilogy’s shaky camera.

What you have previously is confusion. Who is punching, who get punched, what is the impact.

To add a sense of urgency, simply doing the fight scene quick and snappy, which you already have, should be good enough.


The updated version you have there is an improvement, but I’ll add some highlights to emphasize stuff that I feel can be improved.

Summary

Your knuckles lick the wind as he avoids your punch with an easy leap. His nimble steps circle around you with a predatory glee. His body hunches in anticipation, an invisible grin taints the air. You spin around in a wolfish haze, nose wrinkled and teeth clenched.

You pounce. He dodges. The <whose? my/his> hand rises, the <use “a” instead of “the” article to introduce new element> knife sparks menacingly in the dark. You leap back and dig your nails into the flesh of his arm. It bends back, his body collides against a soggy trunk. Something cracks. A moment of triumph. <The change is too sudden. Add a sentence of protagonist’s realization, or rewrite “But forceful limbs lashing out in vengeance denies victory” or smthing> Forceful limbs lash out in vengeance. You stumble backwards and spill into the mud.

His weight comes crushing hard down your lungs. A jagged breath leaves your chest. A hand holds you down by the collar. <Rewrite: One hand holds you down… another presses a knife to your throat> You press back as the blade approaches your throat, closer. Closer. A sharp tip punctures your skin. A small drop of blood joins the raindrops.

And then the knife twists back around, penetrating deep into his shoulder.

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Thank you, those are all really good suggestions. Taking them into consideration I’ve made some sligth changes, but I’m not sure I agree that the sudden change from triumph to lash out is necessarily a problem. I’ll think about it and perhaps come back to that sentence later. Also, the knife was introduced in the prior page, but that’s just me nitpicking. :upside_down_face:

Short and nice. I like it. I hope to see it to it’s conclusion and imminent release.

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Ooh definitely loving this! Your way of describing basically everything is really easy to understand. I can picture the scenes in my mind quite easily. Your descriptions seem to flow smoothly.
I don’t know how I did not see this before, but now I am completely hooked on your story. Very much interested in meeting the ROs.
Also! The way you are going about writing lots of flavour texts for MCs of different personalities plus their relationships with the characters is very ambitious, but also time consuming. Let’s hope you don’t actually lose your mind by the end of it. :smiley:

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Thank you, hearing things like this really motivates me to go forward! :heart:

Unfortunately I haven’t gotten much work done into this these past few weeks since I’m right in the middle of moving, and I have a load of freelance projects approaching deadline, but hopefully I’ll be able to put out some quality writing time real soon and upload Chapter 1 for you all!

Also, yeah, not losing my mind would be preferable. :sweat_smile:

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up to you what to do on this story so take all time in the world you need to make it how you feel

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Thank you, that’s really sweet!

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i wanted to know if you can tell us about the game aesthetic? i mean, medieval era, moder era, something like steampunk??? ;w;

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Good question! Hmm, I’d say the mood and setting fits in along the likes of Sherlock Holmes/Agatha Christie, with a dash of the mystical and occult for extra spice… :wink:

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So Victorian Era it is.

My fav era! I’m bookmarking this one, good luck with the progress!

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@VioletHikari @lynossa

I love victorian aesthetics and there will certainly be a lot of that in my story, but if you are asking for a specific time stamp, I wouldn’t describe it as that. I mentioned Agatha Christie for a reason.

Think more along the way of the second industrial revolution, early 20th century, the flapper dresses are slowly approaching the light of day, and women have a bit more to do than just lounge around in pretty dresses. Though as it takes place in a small town, modernity is still just on it’s way.

But I will also say that I haven’t decided on a specific timestamp as to not write myself into a corner and allow free association, so things are still very much open to interpretation.

Both Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Chirstie still describe the overall mood and feel I’m going for very well, and I wouldnt omit to mention my beloved Edgar Allan Poe either. :wink:

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Late 19 and early 20 century have the most interesting set up so I think it’ll inspire you. But whatever setting that works best for you should be good. I enjoy your writing and I can’t wait to see what’s next :slight_smile:

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Thank you! Yes, late 19th and early 20th century is definitely my favorite setting, it inspires me like nothing else. Perhaps I should have just said it right off, but at the same time I’m a bit wary of being overly specific.

Show, don’t tell, you know. The general timeframe will come across well enough for the purposes of the story. :slightly_smiling_face:

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When I first read the prologue, my initial impression based on the description of the room we ended up in was “vaguely Lovecraftian” (in the sense of time period, rather than the eldritch-horrors-coming-out-of-your-pores sense).

As far as I’m concerned, *writer waves vaguely at the 19th and 20th centuries * works awesomely as a time stamp. It lets the reader fill in the blanks for themselves.

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Honestly, “vaguely Lovecraftian” fits in more ways than just the aesthetics of the room, hint hint… :wink:

Though don’t expect any Eldritch horrors to crawl out of the woodworks, that’s not how I plan to treat this story. It’s difficult to give sneaky hints without accidentally setting up false expectations, heheh.

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Kudos for setting those boundaries, though. I get the impression that it’s sometimes hard for creators when the fans keep breathing down their necks to validate speculation.

ALSO! On a completely different note, because I don’t think I mentioned this in my first reaction post:

A cold hand brushes softly against your check. An affectionate gesture devoid of any kindness.

Holy. Shit. That’s when I knew this game was so far up my alley it was practically camped out on my living room couch.

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Heheh that makes me really really glad to hear. But oh my I just noticed there’s a typo there, oops! :no_mouth: Cheek, not check. It’s funny how reading your own text basically makes you immune against noticing any typos…

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For a moment there I thought this was “The Passenger”, just renamed and revamped. I guess maybe because they have very similar premises? Nevertheless, I like the idea of a “personality test” in a game though, as well as romance. So I’m curious to see what will come out of this. :slight_smile:

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The Passenger is one of my favorite WiP’s out there, but aside from the shared moniker for The Hunter, the premises are very different. Trust me. :relaxed: But yeah, similar beginnings, I can see how one might initially mix them up.

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