I think of the charmed ones when I see that.
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Lots of typos, hidden because of length and spoilers
I may be a guy but that doesn’t mean I can enjoy a good dress like that!
I think this should be “can’t” (this is for guys who want the dress, right?)
I mean… you lasted this long without any problems so you ** last a couple more hours before heading home…
Add “should” (or “ought to”) at the asterisks.
He probably wanted help studying or answers for a test. You were known around school as mini genus so a lot of kids would bug you for help.
Should be “genius”.
So it’s no surprise that you don’t notice the girl smile at you as she passes you by or her small frown when you don’t respond.
If I didn’t notice it, how did I notice that I didn’t notice it? 
"Hey, you know there’s a classroom around the corner that’s empty. It’s unlocked too so we can just go in.
“Um… No.” You tell her abruptly.
I love my MC’s reply, here. 
There are a couple of problems, though. First is that April’s text is missing a closing quotation mark. The second is this: ‘… No." You tell her’ should be ‘… No," you tell her’, something I’ve noticed you miss quite a bit.
You turn around and face April who somehow looks more nervous and worried then you with each passing second. You open your mouth to say something, or scream, you haven’t descided yet but she cuts you off before you can say anything.
Should be “than” and “decided”.
(For now you can only ask one question… sorry)
Looks like I can ask all of them…
So… You’re Moonlight huh?
Have you found the other team member?
Why do you get the magic… finding thing?
I’m good now.
I note that the options all have different reuse options: one is hidden, the second disabled, and the third just sticks around. I’d suggest you used the same for each.
Plus I like to call the “magic finding thing” The Locater."
A quote in a quote should have single inverted commas (here: ‘magic finding thing’).
“For you to meet Starlight! I see you after school by the gates!” And with that, she leaves you in the empty classroom completely confused.
Should be “I’ll see you…”
Whether you like it or not, this is your life now, you didint choose this but dammit you’re going to do go at this on your terms. You’re going to take control and approach this on your terms.
Should be “didn’t”. Also, you use “on your terms” twice here; it’d probably sound better if you used it only once.
‘Great, it’s this guy.’ You think.
God, you’re his best friend and all but even you have to admit he has awful timing.
While you’re always happy to see his face, this is so not the time!
Option 4: Hey, it’s my boyfriend best friend! Let’s take him along, too! 
“You know I feel pretty betrayed that my own friend ditched me at lunch.”
Wait, what happened at lunch? It can’t have been meeting April, because there’s no way that took up the entire lunch period (and I think it was between lessons, anyway).
Also, I don’t think that “own friend” really works here. “Own best friend” or just “best friend” (or “only friend” 
) would sound better, in my mind.
“[I]Sorry, Tristian but I can’t today.” You sign back at him as you look at him apologetically.
Looks like you’ve messed up your italics delimiters here.
‘Nothing’s wrong. It’s just it turns out that my mom was some kind of magic police or something and now I have powers and I have to meet other magic police and what the hell is my life?’ You think as you stare at him.
Aw, I so wanted this to have been the actual confession… 
Admittedly, I guess it would be more clichéd cool if he found out as I was rescuing him from some monster… 
(Also, that “you” should be uncapitalised.)
(And after finishing the WIP, I now know what monster… 
)
“Oh! I know you!” she beams and Tristian is taken back.
Should be “taken aback”.
Plus you need to end this conversation fast because Tristian keeps looking over April with a suspicious look in his eyes which a part of you can’t really blame her.
Should be “him”, since it’s talking about Tristian.
“So,” she draws out as she grips one of her backpack straps.
I’m not certain if this is correct. Do you mean “drawls”?
Guess you really strike out with me huh?
“Struck out”?
And please tell me that your costumes look as stupid as mine."
What am I talking about!? My costume is fabulous! 
“So… Do you parents know about this stuff or are you that good at hiding things from them?”
Should be “your”.
“It’s not that tragic as you make it sound.”
Should be “as”.
we’re in an ally way on the corner of Freedom and Loyalty avenue.
Sentence should start with a capital, and that should be “alleyway”.
“Well, the thing is- now bare with me, this is a little crazy but-”
Unless she’s flirting badly, that should be “bear with me”. 
“It’s a monster.”
…What
“Whoa, whoa, wait theres diffent kinds of monsters!?”
This seems a bit weird. My MC seems shocked by revelations that shouldn’t really be that surprising, given what he knows. (Also, that should be “there’s different”.)
we’re not sure what pink it yet.
Should be “is”.
You look past its face and see that its impossibly long body fills up the near empty alleyway, even with a quarter of its body is being held up by countless pairs of stick like arms with large humanoid paws at each end, each step leaving behind a green imprint on the wall.
This sentence doesn’t really work, especially the bolded part. (Also, paws aren’t really humanoid. Handlike, maybe.)
A shudder passes through your body and you hope that the monster too full to consider you a tasty snack.
Should be “…that the monster is too full…”
He’s dead beacuse of you.
Should be “because”.
Would’ve started digested him sooner if I knew you were so annoying!
It can control its digestion? I guess this would make some sense – it would mean that it doesn’t have to waste energy on digestion while it’s hunting… But why would it turn its digestion on just because I’m annoying?
Plus, it might make sense to add in some reaction choices here (e.g. “I’ll kill you”/“Just eat me too, to end the pain”/“I never liked him”), as this is quite a long page, and I’m sure not everyone would be as devestated as I am.
Eh, I don’t really like that April has to come to save us. This should really be about us overcoming the monster (and saving Tristian); April can get awesome scenes later.
This isn’t the time to think! You need to help April!
This isn’t the time to think! You need to escape now!
Where’s “This isn’t the time to think! You need to save Tristian!”?
Still noticing a few past tense verbs around the place (“bleated”, “chirped”).
I should say that while I quite liked the fight, I’ve never been a big fan of health bars in this kind of game. I guess it could be fine, depending on how much thought you put into it, though.
EDIT: Also, out of interest, how old are the characters?
Good luck with the game!
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@FutbolDude21586, Aw you’re too sweet 
@ParrotWatcher, Thanks for help! I’ll work them as soon as I can!
I want everyone to know that I’m working on updating as soon as I can! I want to introduce the next character as soon as possible.
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Will we at least get to save the old characters first? 
Don’t worry if you play your cards right Tristian will come out (physically) just fine! 
And April… Would bounce back eventually.
Does this mean her will would be broken and she will become easy to manipulate!..I mean oooohhhh nnnnnoooooo poor April
Awwwww 
I was hoping to be rid of him, teach that jerk to bother me when I’m talking to a cute girl 
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I think you mean: “Don’t worry, no matter what, Tristian will come out (physically and mentally) just fine!”
(But seriously, I think it’s a little early to start killing off characters… 
)
Funnily enough, I was hoping to be rid of April, for bothering me when I’m talking to a cute guy…
(Plus, if I get rid of her, Tristian might become the new Celestial Maiden… 
)
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Maybe but it’s never to early to horribly maim and scar your characters! 
… Just kidding
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THATS THE SPIRIT
It depends. Is it a cute scar that I can lovingly tend to?
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What, you would stop pining for the character if they got a none “cute” scare? Harsh…well I like scars, that just means more npcs for me to love. I will build a harem.
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Hey, I never said exactly what I defined as “cute”… 
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No you were right the first time, Chapter 1 is prime time to start. Preferably wounds that make them angst and not want to hang out with the mc.
Yikes lots of people on the “maim Tristian and April” train.
(Sorry I haven’t been on here in a while! )
I was under the impression it was something like “Maim Tristian or April, whichever I’m not interested in dating.”
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That’s fair, stupid Tristian
It is never too early to kill off characters.
I don’t want them maimed. But I wouldn’t mind if I got to lovingly tend to Tristian… or if April got et. 
True, but I meant it would probably be easier for @fox_vixen.
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Adorable. Super cute. Words and coos used to describe my first encounter with this story…you know, up until that cliff-hanger.
Leave Tristian alone you monster!–And by that I refer to the author.
Seriously, how precious is he. Can that flibbertigibbet April replace him as the peach floating in the jello monster? She’s expendable, yes? Yes. Glad we agree.
Strangely enough, this feels very altverse to my character in Totem Force in which I have an entire golden angel sunlight theme, and whereupon I had named us “The Celestial Sovereigns”. It’s surreal and causes much happiness.
Now I merely await the rescuing of Tris, and in the meantime I will treasure the moments of joy I receive when one of your delightful drawings pops up in the story.
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