The Celestial Maidens Updated 12/16/17


#1

Long, long ago the world of magic and monsters and the world of science and men were intertwined but not all was peaceful.
The battles were long and many lives were lost. And so…unable to deal with the deaths and the injustice, a mysterious being creates Celestial Maidens.

You were an average high school student chosen to be apart of a magical trio who are in charge of protecting the delicate balance between monsters and men. Suddenly you’re thrown in a world of magic and lies with secrets being uncovered at every turn. Even ones in your own family.

First demo: 6/22/17
https://dashingdon.com/go/1620

Update 6/23/17
what’s new?
-new scene!
-pictures!
-fixed types!

Update 6/28/17
what’s new?
-new scene!
-Introduces two RO’s!
-new picture!
-changed title!

Update: 7/13/17
What’s new?
New scene!
New choices for old scenes!
Fixed typos and bugs!
Thrilling cliffhanger! (Sorry)

Update 8/13/17
What’s new?
New Stat: Health Bar!
New Scene!
First Monster Meeting!

Update 9/24/17
What’s new?
No Heath stat!
New scene!
New picture!
(Warning: blood)

Update 12/16/17
-What’s new?
-Bug fixes!
-Complete transformation scene!
-SAVING TRISTIAN YOURSELF (for real this time… I hope)

Enjoy!
I haven’t figured out a writing schedule yet but I’ll try to update regularly!
Please let me know what you think!


#2

That was unexpectedly short…there’s typo here and there, but I love the humour you put into the demo, please maintain it.

Overall, I think it is too hasty to put any judgement when there’s so little material at hand, but it is definitely interesting.


#3

Nice game will be waiting for next updates .
Waiting to see what comes next.


#4

Like @Nightgazer said, pretty short but is really promising. I can’t wait for another update, and I wish you the best of luck.


#5

Sounds good and looks good so far can’t wait for more


#6

It was pretty short, so I can’t really get a good idea of what’s to come, but I like the concept. The way the MC reacted though…You should flesh out those scenes more, give us some options on how to react.
On another note, the story gave off a small vibe of RWBY.


#7

A magical girl boy story? Awesome!

As others have said, it’s still to early to say more than that, but I do like the concept.

I did notice a few problems; I should note that while there are quite a few of them, generally they’re minor spelling and grammar things, and otherwise it’s pretty well written:

Click here

You try, but you’re unable to do so. It feels like someone glued them shut.

I assume this should be “You try to open your eyes,” given the next sentence.

Sparks of pain raced down your spine


It probably would’ve helped with the pain too.


A soft chuckle cut through the quiet air and you felt your cheeks heat up from embarrassment.

Otherwise you’ve been using present tense, so these should be “race”, “would help”, “cuts”, and “feel”. This also occurs in a few other places later.

Soft pinks, pastoral blue, and light purples clouds swirl together to make combinations you never thought of.

Either “pinks” and “purples” should be singular, or “blue” should be plural and “clouds” should be removed. Also, I’ve never heard of “pastoral blue” before, and since “pastoral” means “relating to animal herding”, I don’t really see it as a terribly blue word. I would suggest “pastel” instead, only you use that in the next sentence.

In the corner of your eyes, you see different shades of pinks, blues, and purple rapidly swirls together but you see it clear enough.

Here, “shades” is already plural, so “pinks” and “blues” should be singular, and “swirls” should be replaced by “swirl”.

carefully fully, you take a few steps towards the colorful vortex before it starts to evaporate

“Carefully”

“A place that is neither in this world or the next.”

Well, that was… super vague and unhelpful.

And nonsensical. Surely “this place” would be “this world”? (Maybe not our world, but it doesn’t say that.)

Ok… you’re sensing there a pattern now.

“There” should be removed.

You wanted for something to happen but right now all you feel is the impossible staredown from a vortex of colorful clouds and awkwardness.

I think this should be “wait”.

I hope you don’t mind, but I also looked at your code, and noticed that you initialised all the gender variables twice, once each for male and female. It’s not game-breaking, and the only real problem is that both mc_ismale and mc_isfemale are always set to true.

Hope the wall of text isn’t too intimidating; I really think that this piece shows promise.

Good luck! :smile:


#8

Thanks for the tips! :smile:
My grammar isn’t as nice as I would like and I have a habit of getting too overexcited about writing that any typos just fly other my head so it’s always nice for people with sharper eyes to help me out! :sweat_smile:


#9

And thanks everyone for the comments and support! I’ll working out on uploading more scenes as soon as possible!


#10

That’s fine. It’s very hard to spot typos in your own work.

Good luck! :smile:


#11

So far, I really like it! Keep up the good work!


#12

Sooooo how come the only option for girl says “I may be a girl but that doesn’t mean I have to wear a dress… Right?” I mean I happen to love dresses :disappointed:


#13

Oh no!

The last option is actually meant for girls who want to wear the dress!

Sorry! I should make that more obvious. :sweat_smile:


#14

Ooooooh! Rereading that it makes sense, sorry when I see the word “guy” my mind says “nothing important, move along” :laughing:


#15

I like it so far and I swear I mean this in a good way it kind of reminds me of Steven Universe.


#16

Aw thank you! :smile:


#17

Hey everyone new update today!
link is still in the top post!

what’s new?
-new scene!
-pictures!
-fixed types


#18

Two of the choices (‘Do as your told’ and ‘Hug him back’) causes the father’s relationship bar to exceed 100%.


#19

Wow, you’re really writing fast (now I feel embarrassed at my current pace). And the outfit looks cute, too.

I noticed what I assume is a typo:

Hopefully, you run across any monsters before someone finds you.

I assume this should be “you don’t run across any monsters…”

It looks like you’re just using standard addition and subtraction for the relationship values. Although not wrong, it’s often better to use “fairmath” instead, which adds and subtracts percentages, instead. This means that the values will never go above 100 or below 0 (unless you add or subtract over 100%), and also means that changes will be more extreme closer to 0 and 100. (I would also suggest starting the father at 95, rather than 100.)

You use fairmath like this: *set rel_dad %+5, and you probably don’t want to have an increment of below 5% (an increment of 1% is essentially useless).

And this is what fairmath will do:

50 + 10% = 50 + 5 = 55
50 - 10% = 50 - 5 = 45

(at the centre, it moves equally in either direction)

90 + 10% = 90 + 1 = 91
90 - 10% = 90 - 9 = 81
10 + 10% = 10 + 9 = 19
10 - 10% = 10 - 1 = 9

(at the edges of the range it moves towards the centre far more easily).


#20

Awww…that’s just mean Lizzy, with the girls I can usually wait to go into “skip this” mode until they start describing one of the three b’s (and that says something about the way women tend to be portrayed by most media, doesn’t it)?

You know at the beginning of Totem Force, I thought “wow this wip moves fast” too, but it is only natural you’re dragged down by logistics when you’re nearing the end and have to clean-up and edit everything in order to make it publishable.
@TSSL 's wip on the other hand…:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

Which can be a problem when you use it with ro’s as it can have the effect of having the player walk on eggshells to keep the values up. Not that this isn’t something that couldn’t potentially be overcome by good writing but it is, imho, something to be aware of.