The Betrayed [ WIP ]


#1

So thus begins this Sci-Fi epic that has been floating around my head for quite some time now!

Welcome to Kerr, a planet that is 90% desert and is home to quite possibly the most powerful race in the galaxy. After Earth’s downfall half a century ago, Humans were brought here for a second chance at survival, facing problems such as prejudice aliens, poverty and scrutiny from Non-Humans. Humans, or better known as the Betrayed, face harassment and judgement every single day of their lives. That is until one day the same thing that tore our home world apart was found deep inside the core of this newer planet.

Based around the post Zoo hypothesis theory, you play as a man/woman that undergoes in an adventure with your very one team in search for this strange entity named the Atlas. You go on long journey in hopes in saving Kerr and earning respect for Humans; make friends, lose friends, watch loved ones die, and even find love.

Link: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/ns8uv008dxbpln8/The%20Betrayed.html

Feedback, suggestions, and reports of typos and errors would be extremely helpful at this point. I am new at coding so none of this is perfect in the least. I hope you all enjoy and I await your comments!


#2

Couple typos here for ya: words that are spelled with I and e like priest or weird have the I and the e in the spot the other should be.


#3

There is an “It is illegal to…,” error when you choose to stay silent after Minn insults your name


#4

And there isn’t, I guess I lied
Edit: Wait, yes there is, but for a minute, I bypassed it
Edit #2: Ok, so the error appears if you immediately answer Minn, rather than staying silent until she demands you answer her


#5

Really cool so far!


#6

Why is half of the first quotation italicized and not the other half?

Also, I noticed that the verb tense switched around quite a bit from present to past… it seems like it needs consistency.

‘The High Family were almost never seen in anything short of grand* and always made sure to show off their wealth’
*Grand what? Grand array, or garments, or garb perhaps?

Unfortunatley*, there wasn’t really anyone who cared to listen
*unfortunately

the cringe that slowly began to make it’s* way to your friend’s face
*its without apostrophe

who it was who* was about to aproach* her
*two whos? this could probably just be ‘who was about to…’
*approach

was definitley* a face you were hoping not to run into tonight
*definitely

to host such a grand event?" The* second born boasted,
*the, no capital, since it’s a continuation of the dialogue

“The most beauitiful* of them all,” Hypatia smiled politley*
*beautiful
*politely

You swallowed hard, off* all days why now?
*of

clincking* of glass and overall joy and happiness in the air,
*clinking

you say with as much politeness * your soul was* able to muster.
*as your soul
*is

After Minn leaves, I got: startup line 1856: increasing indent not allowed, expected 16 was 17

I really like this concept! The way you write made the scene feel very real to me… I had a definite sense that I had been living in an alien culture for quite a while (which is impressive for a first scene!)

I noticed that my stats didn’t seem to change according to how I handled the confrontation with Minn; are you planning to add that in the future? My MC deserves some willpower perks for holding her tongue, I think. (:


#7

typo

It was more than obvious to you now that she was *critizing your choice of clothing for that day.

She pulled you *colser, the pain growing the longer she held you.

Once she *disapeared into the crowd, you finally made a full turn and stared at your friend.

A beautiful dark-skinned race with *peircing eyes and exotic curves, they are seen as a sacred race that are entitled of being the true race of Kerr.

Humanity at a young age after her father’s passing six sequences ago. She wasn’t as *charasmatic and brave as her father, but she fit in quite nicely in

her new throne. And everyone, including Non-Humans seemed to agree. She’s beautiful, *elegent and fair, everything fit for a leader.

You stood a distance away from her, politely making sure you weren’t intruding on political *bussiness. But the smile on her face and laughter seemed erase

“How have you been?” The Councilor asked, "It’s been very quiet around the *Embassie without you around. After living in those stone walls your whole life,


#8

Sorry for the really long delay, my week as been hectic as hell and the past few days has not been very kind to me. But I’ll get back to writing soon, there shall be an update soon with fixed typos and the second chapter :slight_smile:

@WubWub117 I’ll see if I can try to find that error, should be pretty easy to fix :slight_smile:

@Fiogan Wow, thank you so much for that list! I’ll make sure to fix everything on there. English isn’t my first language so it’s pretty easy for me to slip up every now and again. And yes, I will be adding to the stats that way it can change depending on your choices, it most likely be in the next updating. Thank you for reminding of that dumb slip up!

@jcury Thank you as well :slight_smile: I’ll see about fixing those typos as well!


#9

@CrimsonRose301 Don’t worry, your English is quite good, especially as it’s a second language for you. I’m excited to see where your story takes us!


#10

Excellent work! I love playing the underdog :smiley: . The writing was really good and the characters and the background very interesting. Looking forward to seeing more :smiley:


#11

So it has come to my attention that this thread is under the ‘Affairs of the Court’ Category. I have no idea why it’s that way, I could have sworn I put it under the ‘Works in Progresses.’ I’m most likely going to start a new thread once I get the next update up and running.

I have fixed any typos and errors in chapter one and am in the middle of writing chapter two. You can expect the next update the be somewhere next week, considering it’s summer and I’ll finally be away from schoolwork. The update will have two new chapters, chapter two will give you a little bit of insight on your past and chapter three will most likely explain what lead to the incident in chapter one. Until then, your support has been amazing and I do hope you are all patient with me. :x

@Fiogan Thank you so much! I’ve only been speaking English for a few years now, but I think I’m doing okay :smiley: Though considering how much typos I had in the first chapter, I’ll make sure to be extra careful with these upcoming chapters.

@Rebelmaiden Thank you so much :slight_smile: I’ll try my very best to live up to your expectations!


#12

@CrimsonRose301 Or you can ask one of the moderators, like @JimD or @Reaperoa or @Havenstone , to move it to WIP for you. I’m sure they’d be delighted. (:

I’m looking forward to the upcoming chapters!


#13

Sorted. No need for new thread.


#14

Spotted a few typos, but I really like the structure - you got me feeling sorry for Hypatia within the first page!

‘She offered a few polite smalls to whoever passed by’ guessing that should be ‘smiles’

‘Unfortunatley’ -> unfortunately

manditory -> mandatory

aproach -> approach

“I’d advice” advise

baffeled - > baffled

colser, ->closer

speration - > not sure, separation, operation?

weild -> wield


#15

startup line 832: It is illegal to fall out of a *choice statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block.

When I chose to give the Witch my name, then chose to remain silent.

trying to make friends, right?


#16

I found an error when Hypatia asked if I was ok and I said no. I like the game so far though :smiley:


#17

This seems to have much promise, I do hope that the MC will have more opportunities to express his hatred and disgust of the other races, so little games allow you to be a closed minded xenophobe, though the option to rise above that would be included I would venture to assume, to balance out the hate.
Either way this has a good start though more backstory in the game would be helpful, like maybe a codex or something that shows info when its relevant after the first parts.
Good luck and good writing!


#18

@CrimsonRose301
Should I expect an more detail description of the Nayasa (whatever it’s spelled) Or is just the black eyes all I am going to get in a description?
Also are you going to implement multiply backgrounds for our MC or just a one detailed background


#19

I’m curious about whether or not anyone has gotten passed the conversation with Hypatia, I understand the error only appears if you’re a female and that you’ll be able to reach the end of the chapter if you’re a male. The error has been fixed, and you’ll be able to play as a female without a problem in the next update.

Which prompts this question: How do I post an update of this game when I followed the compilation method that @CJW had posted a while back? Do I just follow those instructions every time I have an update I want to put out?

@Havenstone Thank you so much! Saved me a lot of time there.

@Zanite @Patch101 @Bloodhawkereaper Should all be fixed in the next update, good catches :slight_smile:

@Lubu343 I’m honestly quite surprised that I didn’t even give xenophobia much thought, thank you for bringing it up. I’ll see what I’ll be able to do with this.

Chapter two will give you a bit of insight on the story, where the MC comes from and the kind of world he/she lives in through a child’s point of view. I’ve also been thinking about adding a glossary or a codex in the stats screen, because I know how confusing it is to just be thrown into a Sci-Fi story with a complicated world, and the world really is more complicated than what I have explained so far. I’ll just see if I’ll be able to code something like that into the game.


#20

Will the MC or anyone else in the story have genetic/cybernetic modifications? Or is that against the Father’s religion?