You are Orpheus, the hitman who never misses. Avalon’s Secret Intelligence Service needs your help in dealing with a terrorist who no one can get close to. But when you join the mission, it’s not for your nation but for revenge…
So, first of all, this game is heavily inspired by a fanfiction I read (I have basically stolen it, or at least a part of it) . I am just trying to convert that text into an IF. And I am still quite learning to use Choicescript, so… there can be errors and very, very, very, very, very, laaaaaatttttttttteeeeeeeee updates.
There is a subtle art to fourth wall breaking, one which not everyone gets right.
When I selected that I didn’t have a nickname, i realised that you most certainly are one of those gifted in the forbidden art. You can go far with fourth wall breaking, if you do it correctly, keep this in mind.
As for the character creator, it was good. It contained all the options I would want from a character creator, although you should probably allow for custom options, someone might want purple hair, or red eyes, for example. I would also recommend that you intergrate the character creator into the story in some fashion. Maybe the MC could be getting ready and checks their appearance in the mirror?
Other than that, I enjoyed the opening tidbit. Though there was some awkward phrasing here and there, but nothing that can’t be fixed with a few appropriately placed commas.
Also, here's a little guide I like to use for pronouns. You don't need to include all of them, only she/her, he/him, and they/them at best.
Thanks for your feedback and vote of confidence! The reason I didn’t add custom choices in appearance is that probably all the options someone would choose are already present and the setting of this story is also in a boring and mundane world like ours, except there is an island thrust between the North Sea inhabited by the worst written characters you will ever see! Cheers!
As someone previously suggested, it would be nice if character creation is set within the story.
For example, the MC might fill in a form with their personal data, or they might look at themselves in the mirror.
It’d be awesome as well if some physical traits have “consequences” or special dialogues.
I’m in for a game about a hitman! Keep us posted