Thank you so much for the long critique! It’s much appreciated. Looks like I have a lot to think about and edit. Good to have feedback early on to know where I’m going wrong. Seems like the biggest issue here is pacing.
I’m not familiar with military ranks either, tbh. I’ll go over those again and fix them. I didn’t know NCOs aren’t also called officers.
I’m basically using him as Mr Exposition during that “two hours of polishing” since he’s the only old legionnaire the pc has met so far (and touching another person’s bed or property in general is grounds for a beating in the Legion)… I’ve been worried that that is a massive chunk of exposition in one place, and if there’s a better way to break that up I’ll do it but I haven’t thought up of how yet now.
Maybe Guillaume returns or something, so at least that’s another character in the cast that you’ll get to meet (so his appearance won’t take you by surprise in the next chapter).
The ending to chapter 2 was hammered out at 4 AM something because the exposition was going on for faaar too long and I was getting desperate to end that conversation with Oscar… it’s going to be changed to something better.
The mad sergeant and his bootlicking corporal are very stock, yeah. And Igor is basically Chester from D.O.A., he’s happy when he causes other people pain.
So far the ones you’ve met:
Franck is based on movie tough guys where it’s never his fault until disaster strikes. Why is he in the Legion, you might want to know? His own doing, which got him arrested.
Thomas says as little as possible because this way he knows he won’t cause any offence..
Oscar is a doormat and has been either ignored or the butt of everyone else’s jokes since he’s arrived, so he’s desperate to look competent in pc’s eyes.
Right, I’ll change the options so that pc will be more actively adapting to the situation. I might change the purpose of the daring bar to also reflect how well pc is adapting, or adding a new stat bar for Adaptation/Comfort that changes some internal monologue flavour text?
I’m also going to add interactions with Franck and Thomas during soupe, which means also naming even more NPCs. A lot of those scenery characters will remain flat even if they’re named, I think… tracking all 20+ of them would be way too much for me. It’s awkward to eat alone when everybody else isn’t, no?
Hopefully that won’t be too many character introductions in one chapter, though. Wren has a bad habit of doing that…
I was thinking of getting all the humdrum out of the way in one chapter as early on as I can, so I can get on with the adventure in the next chapters. Rosen dedicated an entire chapter to the daily routines so I thought that would be an okay way of doing it. Obviously that didn’t pan out here…
I was after the impression of hardly anyone in the lineup has been doing it, and the last person who did it before him got chewed up really good. Do you still think Order/Maverick still applies here?
Eh, looks like I really screwed up something with the face, then. Also, Lawrence of Arabia is blond, no?