Rebirth: Avatar Program (WIP) (REMAKE)

Hi all,

This project of mine started way back in 2016. Unfortunately, it was abandoned for reasons but now I’m back to continue it, and push it until it’s finished. I have to start from ground up again because the original files were lost.

Currently, I remade the first chapter based on the original first chapter, then continue from there.

Demo (12.Apr.2020): https://dashingdon.com/go/5610

Synopsis:
Rebirth: Avatar Program is a post-apocalyptic/sci-fi game. You play as the first Soldier Avatar, an artificial being immune to the Chronos Virus, a virus that transforms the inflicted to savage ghouls after prolonged exposure to sunlight., where you journey into Nirvana City and the Slums and fight other avatars or humans in the quest to help the human race or inflict further destruction.

Discover the dark mysteries of the Avatar Progam and the Chronos Virus…
Meet friends and foes between warring factions in conflict of moral obligations of what is right and wrong…

Features:
I decided to keep the Law/Chaos route feature that the original had. I think writing with this in mind makes me more comfortable to keep track with what options and paths are possible for the player/reader. Plus I really like the idea of being open-ended.

I have plans with relationships and romance options but I am in no hurry in implementing them as soon as possible.

As always, constructive criticism, feedback, comments and questions are welcomed and appreciated! :smiley:

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Wish you all the best dear. May you be very successful.

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This is really good. Though I feel the character creation needs a bit more options. Like hair (colour, length, style), eyes (If they are Heterochromia or not) as well as height. Your buying system need a bit of work too. I was unable to reverse a sale and ended up with a -50. By the way what is the currency being used?

The MC needs to be more interactive I think. Especially with the creator, or at least have some form of communication. Like hacking a computer and saying hello in binary code during the MC’s construction period.

I was wondering during the first fight with Muramasa it would have been interesting if there was a chance during the fight to disarm and use his weapon against him. Then if defeated you keep said weapon.

I know your project is still in its raw stage. I’ve said my piece and I wish you the best of luck.

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Could you make it so we could join leahs side?

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You can, just trust the other guy.

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Okay thanks

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chronos virus eh?

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Yeah. I have to admit they are doing a good job with making it seem like an actual game and not something happening in real life.

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I wrote quite a bit, so I’m going to hide it under this.

Review

There are quite a few grammatical errors…
Disclaimer: By no means am I a professional at grammar (or English, for that matter)

  • Inconsistent tenses
  • “Living beings have a need to compensate for the lives that have supported them. There are fights that prove unavoidable, and enemies that must be defeated… …and one day, we ourselves may all be defeated.” < Maybe line break between the ellipses?
  • After a year since the epidemic, Leah’s sister, Rachel, would be eventually married to Michael Jacobs, one of Leah’s scientists.
  • Punctuation should be inside the quotation marks
  • You should incorporate double-hyphens in sentences like “Eventually, this caught the attention of Leah. He ordered Michael, in her own words “one that follows orders”. A militaristic avatar.” Or, you can find other ways to connect those two (semicolon, reword it with a conjunction, whatever)
  • There are large chunks of text that are hard to read—not necessarily because they’re long, but because they’re all condensed when they could be separated.
Example

As the chamber opens, you walk out. You can still feel the coldness of your chamber.

“Great, you’re awake! The name’s Mago. Mago Hyeong.” She pauses for a bit before she continues talking. “We don’t have much time but have to get out of here. I know you just activated and everything but one of Leah’s soldiers are coming.”

As she finishes talking, she quickly pulled your hand, and run across the room. The room is rather big and chrome-colored. As you approach the exit, a young man appears, wearing a black armor suit and wields a katana. He steps forward, giving you a more clear look at him. His eyes are blue and has a brown short hair. He looks of Asian descent as well but you are getting a feeling that he is unlike a human being.

There could be more details on the senses, like feeling and sight (the environment).

  • Why are there only two options when initially meeting someone? Is it the only way we know how to greet, shaking hands? The only purpose of these choices seem to be to change the alignment stats. I suggest adding more dialogue/action choices to shape this rather than rely on that.
  • I was called “Mr. Soldier Avatar” when I chose female.
    …etc., etc.

Otherwise, I would work on the flow of your sentences. A lot of them read pretty awkwardly to me. The characters speak almost robotic-like imo.

The battle system was pretty confusing. I chose Strength in the beginning but I somehow had access to all the choices. Even if I chose the choice that required Strength, it didn’t work, or it appeared to not work. And I think there is an HP system, but I could not tell whether Muramasa was even getting scraped.

Personally, there’s not enough information so that I could base my choice on whether I wanted to trust Mago or Muramasa. Naturally, I chose the first option, but I ended up being forced to follow Mago anyway (but I also understand that I can’t just… not go with anyone and stay still). Despite the point being that we were just “born” and thus clueless, I would like a little more information on the political situation of this whole ideal. Not sure whether the prologue was supposed to be objective or not, 'cause it kinda painted the whole situation in favor of Leah’s side.

I think I’ll end up going with Muramasa though, because the Plutos gang seemed super shady, and I’m not exactly sure if I agree with them. And the leader seems… very, um. Aggressive? Like, he summarized his whole motive to “Leah’s a bitch and I want her dead.” My face was like :frowning_face_with_open_mouth: …But anyway. I just think there needs to be a bit more attention to detail on the whole political turmoil that’s going on in this world, and how Avatars actually work, for that matter. Give each side a real backbone to why they’re acting the way they are.

Please correct me on anything I got wrong. Even though it’s 3 PM right now, I’m half awake so, I can’t really think clearly (I’m happy to discuss with anyone that counters any of my points). I think I basically got everything that I wanted to say.

Also, I want to make it clear that I’m not hating in any way–it’s an interesting concept. I truly meant everything with the best intentions. I hope you can find at least even a little bit of my review helpful. Good luck in your writing journey (and stay safe)!

Off topic but I found myself pronouncing “Chronos Virus” as “Coronos Virus” lol

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I agree. Found myself calling it that too.

Tori, you might want to consider changing the name a bit.

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Hi all,

I really appreciate all of you for checking my work. Every comment and constructive criticism is a motive to strive even harder. Thank you!

I’ll try provide another update on the game in about 2 weeks or so. My writing abilities are still a bit rough and there are oversight in some parts but I’ll take consideration of every points everyone made to make the game even better.

lol, yes, I’m planning on changing that. I just haven’t thought of a more decent name yet so I just stuck with what I called it previously.

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It doesn’t have to be a big change. In fact, just by changing it to “The virus of Chronos” would stop the slip of tongue. Or you could just keep the name, but after introducing it just call it “The C virus” :thinking:

And don’t worry about “rough writing”, that’s what a wip is for :hugs: There are many wips out there that ended up polishing their wips months later.

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So you play as a super soldier.

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Sounds interesting I don’t know yet

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I like the combat system here. Having to read the opponent’s moves to know whenever to dodge, grapple or counterattack. Pretty well done. :+1:t3:

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Looking good so far!

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Hi all,

Update 24.Apr.2020 (Word Count: ~8k):

I made some major and minor changes based from feedback that I got from the forum and from a circle of friends. So I decided to focus on making changes on the Prologue and Chapter 1 before heading to Chapter 2. Kindly check the demo in OP to try it out! :smiley:

Changelog

Prologue

  • Rewrote the introductory exposition to include a bit of backstory for both Leah and Cain.
  • Added customization part after choosing gender so you can customize the avatar’s skin color, eyes, hair color, hairstyle. Feel free to suggest more on what do you want to see in this section.

Chapter 1

  • Removed Muramasa from Chapter 1. He will be introduced at a later chapter. A Nirvana Force soldier replaces him instead. The fight is changed to accommodate this change. Interaction from Mago and Muramasa has been rewritten as well.
  • First fight no longer has skill requirements to do counterattacks.
  • Due to this change, the Muramasa route for Chapter 1 has been removed. This was done because the introduction of the route division is too early and might have repercussions in later chapters. Some choices will still affect your alignment.
  • Fixed the store system in the Slums. It should actively check if you have proper credits to complete the transaction. The currency is now called credits, similar to cyberpunk and other futuristic games.
    *A short Orlando side quest is added that will take place inside Nirvana City.

Chapter 2

  • Added a small synopsis to provide some background on what to expect for Chapter 2

As always, thank you for taking your time to check the WiP. I’m excited to see what you all think of the new changes. If you found any grammar errors, inconsistencies, script errors, or other improvements, please let me know. :slight_smile:

PS: I can’t seem to edit the OP… What can I do about that?

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When I choose heterochromia it keeps bringing me back to the left eye after I choose the colour for the right eye. Had to restart the game to get back :grimacing:

I really love the way you write! I haven’t been able to play through that much but so far it’s really immerseful (don’t know if that’s the right word lol)

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Looks like when I,Robot meets Alita:Battle Angel. Good work by the way…

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Thank you for the response. I think you mean immersive? :sweat_smile:

Actually, Alita was one of the inspiration in moving forward with the project. :smiley:

Whoops, I’ll see to it that this is fixed in the next update. Thank you for pointing that out.

Since I will be having more time this weekend, I might be able to give out some more content earlier than my two week interval pace. :slight_smile:

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