[Disclaimer: This current version of the story is on hold. The wonderful feedback I’ve gotten made me realize many things that could improve in the story, so I hope to take all the advice to heart in the version 2 that I’m working on outlining now! Feel free to still give feedback on this version if you’d like, since it may influence version 2.]
Being powerless in a superpowered world is no easy task, and it leads you on the path of thievery. However, you come to realize that you can steal more than just items – you can steal powers!
The power to create anything you so imagine. That power is yours. Well… Almost. Unfortunately for you, imagining isn’t really in your list of skillsets. You have aphantasia, a condition which renders you unable to visualize anything you imagine.
To make matters worse, you’ve just been blackmailed by a shady company; and your twin? They’re kind of a dick.
But when you discover that you have the ability to steal powers, why, you may just be able to turn your life around.
Recruit a quirky set of allies to help you on your goals (whatever they may be), and maybe even put your thieving skills to the test by stealing a heart or two. Or three. Or four. Heck, there is going to be a lot of romantic options (and hopefully some polyamory if I can write it successfully).
Any and all feedback is appreciated, even if just to complain! I’m new to writing, so I expect to make many mistakes, and I’d really love to know how to make this story as enjoyable for everyone as possible.
I just finished reading through it, and I think it’s gonna be great. The power stealing aspect is really fun, and something I’m not sure has been done before. More stats are really needed like a humanity stat that decreases every time you steal a power, eventually turning you into a monster of sort. Overall I think it’s gonna be great.
Your story and writing is far from boring. I was hooked from the start. And I really love how there’s a variety of choices on how the MC react and interact with others. I’m really happy with how you can make me feel resentful against mc’s twin for leaving them. Totally loving that angst!
Can’t wait to see what you have in store for us! Cheers~
I’ve actually already played this on Dashingdon before I even saw this thread.
Overall, I like how you’ve given a good reason for the MC not to have powers by giving representation to neurodivergent folks. I enjoyed the diversity of worldviews available to the MC too, even if we’re kind of railroaded into being a thief.
I find SpyGuy’s Humanity idea a bit distasteful though, to be honest. Part of the story (I hope, since you asked at the beginning) is the political divide between protectors and progressors, and that kind of stat is usually always biased towards idealism in games without alternate biologies and detracts from the actual political narrative.
I could go on a longer rant about how pragmatism is much more human than idealism, but that’s just because I’m resentful. Overall, well-written game, looking forward to what you’re doing next!
Good read so far, definitely keep an eye on this wip, but I noticed the mc’s twin would flip genders if playing as a female MC. Sorry if this is a spoiler, typing this on my mobile and not figured out how to make something blurred out.
Maybe it’s a little bit early but I’m thinking about tearing our brother body apart into pieces and maybe pouring acid on his face ? What do you suggest ?
i really just find your game very boring and think that you should just give up on this idea and try to come up with something new
…just kidding! heheheh. for real, this game is a great take on the people with powers genre. love the emphasis on how there’s no actual superheroes or supervillains, like how things would logically go in real life. awesome writing style and premise too. really enjoyed it.
situation with mc’s twin is a really cool idea. twin’s a real jerk for slowly giving up on their sibling and taking the bullies’ side though. nothing like nick from mind blind. heck, the mc’s situation is also kinda like a lesser version of mind blind mc too, at least until the mc goes rogue (get it?)
then again, the parents are even bigger wackos, they’re so obsessed with the progressive thing. the mom pretty much purposely died and abandoned actual parenthood just to have powered babies and the dad…hoo boy. trying to “fix” the mc with therapy like he’s just a broken object and not a child that needs support? yep, definitely #1 dad.
now for a li’l suggestion. it’s pretty sad how the mc resorted to a life of crime. understandable considering their predicament and being surrounded by jerks and/or weirdos (aster’s weirdness is justified cuz anxiety, plus they’re nice too so they get a pass), but we could use some more context, like maybe being inspired by something or meeting someone to train them in the thieving arts or something.
and a bit of criticism to end it off, we do have some decent number of choices and reactions, but they don’t seem to mean much and everything feels kinda railroaded in a set direction. i know branching can be a real hassle, but right now things feel kinda too straightforward.
don’t really feel much control over the mc’s personality either. that last choice feels like the biggest offender, with 3 little choices that make mc gain 3 totally different personalities: cocky, insult-happy bully who’d make snitch proud, cold jerk who calls the guy a weakling for no reason and a condescending yet insecure budding villain who still feels pity for a victim. maybe try adding a couple of more simple personality stats instead of just good and evil and give a little more control over what the mc says?
Oh dear, I was afraid that might happen. The mc’s twin most certainly should not change genders (No gender fluid twin for you!) so I’ll definitely need to go in and fix that up. If you could possibly tell me exact places where you noticed this problem, that would speed up the process.
And I’m so glad you’re enjoying it, that makes me really happy!
Oh no, it’s boring? Guess I’ll just have to give up all hope of writing and become a dairy farmer instead! Haha, but anyway, thanks so much for this valuable feedback. I’ll definitely try to use it for improving the game.
You’re right, I definitely can see why you feel railroaded in a set direction. I’d love to add more branches that have noticeable, lasting effects, I’m just not sure the best way to go about doing that. If I can figure out how to do that successfully, I do feel that it would be worth the extra work. I do have one choice planned so far that will have a big impact on the game, but only one choice obviously isn’t enough for a game like this.
And about not having much control over the personality, that’s what I was worried about. Ideally, I’d want the MC to become whatever character you imagine them as, so I’ll try to go in and add more choices to help with that. And I’ll try adding some personality stats to change the dialogue more, to see how that goes. If nothing else, I’ll at least add a choice or two to that last choice that (hopefully) come off better.
Ahh, thank you guys all so much for commenting, reading the replies really made me smile. Before I created this post, I had no way of knowing how people felt about it, and I was worried that nobody would like it. Now I feel much more motivated!
Really enjoyed it overall, but I do want to chime in a bit on the last couple pages. I do have agree that they felt a bit railroaded, and specifically in ways that don’t entirely make sense. For example, the MC’s reason for not giving the necklace back- he doesn’t want to appear weak. Well, okay, but I’d think a pragmatic thief would realize that this guy going to the police (or just a friend with a dangerous power) could cause him a lot more trouble than the necklace is worth. At the least, even if you need the player to keep the necklace, it seems like something different players might want to give different reasons for.
Likewise with telling the guy you can steal powers, or demonstrating on him- these seem like pretty consequential decisions that different players might react differently too, but don’t get an input on.
You know, I guess I wasn’t thinking about it from that angle. Just for that, I’ll try to add in a choice where you do give that necklace back.
And I see where you are coming from when you discuss stealing his powers, but it is important that he somehow learns about your powers and joins you, as he is going to become an important character. (Later, I will actually give options that allow you to completely miss out on joining with important characters, but I didn’t think that was a good idea so early on.) However, if I can figure out a way for him to learn about your ability to steal powers without you taking his, I’ll add that in.
The only reason I mention taking his power as a consequential decision is that it seems like in your setting powers are personally important to people. As common as they are I got the impression that they were a big part of people’s identities, something that would be really painful to lose even if the power itself isn’t noteworthy.
Unfortunately the mc realizes they have it at exactly the worst moment for that to happen and since the powers are stolen I don’t see how it would ever get them ahead in the “legitimate” world now especially since we are now some unpaid, blackmailed flunky who at best makes starvation wages, if that.
I also think the mc is a big idiot about it just blithely confessing to Aster and even worse some random guy we just robbed. I mean ideally my mc would have threatened Aster to shut the f… up about it.
Like I said this is just about the worst time for the mc to find out they may not be as powerless as they actually thought as it means that rather than being able to use it for themselves and their own advancement they have just consigned themselves to essentially becoming a slave to some dubious organisation as we are now too valuable to ever be let go again.
And again to the outside world we have to remain a powerless flunkie, so no chance of getting out from under our sibling’s shadow and onto the good things in life either.
If you do get around to that I’d love a branch dedicated to keeping our newfound abilities hidden and trying to covertly use them for our own revenge, as really the last thing my mc would want to do right now is use it to the benefit of the people who blackmail him and don’t even compensate him decently for it.
and I was a lil disappointed to have reached the end of the demo! LoL!
