How involved a romance do you guys like? Would you rather have more mystery/suspense or romance/relationship?
I’d definitely rather have more of a mystery/supsense story. But, come on there always has to be some type of romance in one of these to make it interesting.
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Just finished writing chapter 2!!! Which means that day 0 is officially done! Yay!
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By the way, have any of you done a HG beta/ playtest before? Because I want to start with that soonish, but I’m still figuring out the best way to do it…
Just as a heads up, I’ve changed the sexy cowboy’s name from Adrian to Gabriel…
I’ve done one before so I do not have much experience with it. Sorry mate…
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Oh well, I think I’ll just keep writing in the mean time… So far, I’ve just been doing all my own play testing anyway… I’ll figure it out some day though!
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So happy, got the save system plugin to work!! @CJW did a very good job with this! Now to get the playtest to work… 
Thanks to @dashingdon, the play-test for day 0 is up and running! Feel free to check it out and let me know what you think…
https://dashingdon.com/play/bj0rk3d/on-foxtrot-hill/mygame/index.php?cb=25253
I hesitate to call it a demo, but it passes randomtest without bugs and I’m pretty sure there aren’t any typos… I’m especially interested in: how the overall feel comes across and how the characters interact (is it too robotic, do I spend too long talking about the horses/tour)…
Enjoy!
So far I think the amount of time talking about horses is fine, but the first impressions piece is a bit bland. Maybe you could expand the conversations? They don’t have to increase our relationship with them, but it would help add a little flavor.
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Okay, which character was the most long-winded/boring, and which was too quiet? I’m pretty sure Elias got too much time, so I’ll go ahead and start fixing that part… Thank you for helping!
Ok! Here’s the new and improved version, with better conversations and transitions…
https://dashingdon.com/play/bj0rk3d/on-foxtrot-hill/mygame/index.php?cb=36473
Tell me what you think…
(Apparently the first one links to the most recent version too)
I just finished reading one play through of what you have so far, and your story is pretty good. You did a really good job developing some of the NPCs, mostly the other guests, but also Mr. Nell and Gabriel. From what I saw, it looks like you’ve just set up the beginning of the story so far, explaining the setting and introducing characters, so there isn’t much to go on, but I’ll try to give you some advice based off what you have.
First, like I said before, you did a really good job on your characters, especially the other guests. You can already roughly tell what kind of personalities they’ll have based on the few conversations you have with them, which should help with character interactions later in your game. The other two character that seem important to the story, Mr. Nell and Gabriel, were also done well. You don’t interact with Gabriel much with what you’ve written so far, but he has a stat bar, so I’d guess he’s probably an important character later.
I think I missed the introduction to Mr. Nell, maybe because of my choices, because the game jumped from an elderly man answering the door to the main character knowing who he was. There may have been an introduction to Mr. Nell that I missed because of my choices, or maybe not, but I’d look into it and add one if there isn’t one to avoid confusion.
Also, the choice at the beginning of the game where you can “Try to leave” the group of people waiting outside the ranch, which leads to the game ending, might need a bit of changing. First, you didn’t give much information on what that choice does, so someone trying to do all available choices before entering the ranch may accidently choose that and end their adventure. You might want to clarify that choosing that will end the adventure by adding another choice after the “Try to leave” choice that confirms that they want to end the game. Also, Choice of Games usually advises against giving choices that end the game less than 75% through the adventure, but some games do anyways. Choice of Games also advises to make endings that don’t quite make it to the end of the game fulfilling in their own way, like how in Choice of the Dragon, you can end your adventure early by stopping your own heart. Another good example of both of these is how in Choice of the Star Captain you can end your game almost as soon as you start, because you’re destroying your ship’s AI for being annoying, which also meets the requirement of a fulfilling ending (by some people’s standards). So you should probably change the “Try to leave” choice from a choice that abruptly ends your game to a deliberate and meaningful ending.
Another thing, while not required in Choice of Games, most readers prefer text being split up into smaller chunks instead of having one large wall of text on every page. Splitting text into smaller chunks usually helps keep readers interested in a game, while also helping the flow of your writing, but isn’t mandatory, so if you like your game the way it is, you can keep it that way.
If you want to split your text into smaller chunks, there are a few ways you can do that. First, every time a new character says something, make that a new paragraph. So instead of writing a scene from your game in one huge chunk of text, you could try splitting it up, like this:
Wow, that was amazing!" I say as I dismount. Gabriel takes the reins again and shows me how to properly walk her out, take off the tack, brush her down, and put her in her stall. “You look like you were born riding horses the way you rode today…” says Gabriel cheerily as he brushes Roxanne. “I am genuinely impressed.” I can’t tell because of the dramatic sunset, but I wonder if he’s blushing a little… Once everyone has gathered, they start introducing themselves. “Hi, I’m Elias! I’m the other full-time cowboy around here.” says a handsome cowboy. “And this is Page- he’s the houndmaster. It’s a pleasure to meet you, !Ren! Now then, let’s eat!” and he busies himself with roasting a hotdog. I follow suit and start to genuinely enjoy myself soon enough. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all…
Could become:
Wow, that was amazing!" I say as I dismount. Gabriel takes the reins again and shows me how to properly walk her out, take off the tack, brush her down, and put her in her stall.
“You look like you were born riding horses the way you rode today…” says Gabriel cheerily as he brushes Roxanne. “I am genuinely impressed.” I can’t tell because of the dramatic sunset, but I wonder if he’s blushing a little… Once everyone has gathered, they start introducing themselves.
“Hi, I’m Elias! I’m the other full-time cowboy around here.” says a handsome cowboy. “And this is Page- he’s the houndmaster. It’s a pleasure to meet you, !Ren! Now then, let’s eat!” and he busies himself with roasting a hotdog. I follow suit and start to genuinely enjoy myself soon enough. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all…
Making a new paragraph every time a new character says something can be an easy way of splitting up your text into smaller groups, but you can also make new paragraphs without character dialogue, like this:
Oh yeah… never mind…
This is what your game shows if you chose a western wardrobe, then remind the game that you’re wearing western clothes when it asks you if you’ve prepared. You could split that into two paragraphs to make it look like two thoughts instead of just one:
Oh yeah…
Never mind…
Separating your text into smaller sections that are easier to read isn’t required or forced by Choice of Games, but it is appreciated by readers, so it might be something to consider doing.
Also, you might have noticed a typo in the section of your game that I used for an example. When Elias is inviting you to come eat, he says !(Character Name)!, instead of just the character name:
“Hi, I’m Elias! I’m the other full-time cowboy around here.” says a handsome cowboy. “And this is Page- he’s the houndmaster. It’s a pleasure to meet you, !Ren! Now then, let’s eat!” and he busies himself with roasting a hotdog. I follow suit and start to genuinely enjoy myself soon enough. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all…
There also seems to be another bug where if you always choose the first or top choice given in your game, it crashes your game during your conversation with Jamie. Plus, if you only choose the first choice, Jamie, like Mr. Nell, never introduces himself, and the main character just seems to know who he is.
The biggest problem in your writing wasn’t even that big and is something that can be easily fixed. During the story, you were referring to the main character in first person, as an “I”, which is totally acceptable if you meant to write your game that way, but most Choice of Games authors address the main character as a “You”. This makes the game feel more like a game than a story, because it seems like you’re really making the choices, and it’s you inside of the game, instead of you making choices for a main character you can’t really connect with. Making your game in second person, as far as I know, isn’t mandatory, but like splitting your text into smaller groups, writing your game in second person instead of first person will help the flow and feel of your game, and most readers will appreciate it.
Choice are supposed to be the main character’s thought process though, so you were right in writing your choices in first person. It makes more sense for a choice to say:
“Surely you could have noticed from my melodic voice, I’m a singer!”
Than for a choice to instead read:
“Surely you could have noticed from your melodic voice, you’re a singer!”
You were correct in writing your choices in first person, so you probably shouldn’t change that.
Sorry if this is kind of long, and if I gave you more advice than compliments. It’s easier to point out something that needs improvement than it is to point out something that was done really well and is good the way it is, so I’ll try to end on a compliment.
Overall, from what I read of your story, and what you have currently online, your story is really good and well written. You’ve done an excellent job explaining the setting to the reader, and introducing other important characters to the main character. You can tell that you’re setting your game up to be a fun and exciting adventure that will keep a reader interested.
You’re doing an awesome job; keep it up!
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First of all, thank-you for helping with the play-test. I’ll definitely add a proper introduction to Mr. Nells, and I was wondering whether to leave in the ‘end the game early’ option… Hopefully I’ll have those changes, and others mentioned, implemented soon!
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Ok, finished making changes to the play-test!! 
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Finally finished the first half of chapter 3… Turns out Gabriel had a lot to say…So did Kylie…and Jamie…
[Update]
It’s not actually half yet, I forgot to fill in the other side of an if statement for a massive conversation with Kylie. That doesn’t even count the conversation with Jamie that I haven’t filled in, or the one with Sei…
It’s gonna take longer than I thought to finish this chapter…Oh, well…I’d rather finish well than in a hurry…
Cruising around the forum, found this… The part about favorite chara’s reminded me of Gabriel
Who is your favorite character so far? (Based on playtest) You can pick more than one…
- Kylie
- Jamie
- Gabriel
- Sei
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Nice one but I just got to ask one question I mean info is never bad so if I could ask all questions that would be better.
It is a good plot but I an looking forward for challenging puzzles so don’t make them too obvious.
GOOD LUCK
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Umm, which conversation?
You mean with Mr. Nells, or …?
[Update]
Okay, I think I found it… Fixing now…Should have implemented in a few hours…
Thanks for helping with the playtest!
[Update]
Okay, the changes are implemented and I added chapter 3!