Nuclear Powered Toaster! (WIP) Publication Date 10/25/18

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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@Eric_Moser, the fragile author part of me says PM or e-mail. But the cold datagathering part says out here in public, and he wins the day. If someone states an opinion that strikes a chord with many other readers even if they didn’t think of it beforehand, it’s important to know. Some people may not know exactly how they feel about something until they hear someone else sum it up succinctly.

Eric Knight, thank you for praying for Dad. His recovery since getting to Shepherd Center has been incredible. He gets fatigued easily and has some short-term and word recall issues, but that was all expected and most or all of it should slowly fade over the next few months to a year. Talking to him, you hardly remember anything has changed. He might forget Taco Bell for ten seconds, or say Celtics when he meant Bulls, but it only happens once a every few minutes in normal conversation and he usually corrects it himself. His personality is the same, which is what we wanted more than anything. As for the physical side of things, I was never really worried because I knew once rehab started he would annihilate their expectations because he never accepts limitations. And he did. He came in unable to stand on his right leg, and by five days he was doing five minutes on a treadmill. In another five days, he was up to 45 minutes and his wheelchair had been removed from his room at his request. He could be discharged as early as before his birthday on the 26th, though he will still go to speech therapy and occupational therapy for some time afterwards. We have to have someone with him 24/7 for at least a couple months, not because he’s infirm but because he’s too functional. They said people like him, such as athletes and soldiers, they are at the greatest risk of getting hurt again because they try to push it and go on like nothing happened, and someone needs to be with him in case he were to fall or something else. Waiting for Thursday to get an idea of when he can golf or drive again (his two biggest concerns, likely in the order they would matter).

Ahhh, Mass Effect. Such promise, only partially fulfilled. Bioware was my all-time favorite developer, but like Square they just never were the same after being snapped up by another company. I remember being so excited when they merged with Pandemic, as that was another of my all-time favorite gamemakers, but then they became part of the EA omni-blob and nothing was ever the same again. Heading up to see Dad in a bit with the girls but I want to circle back on this. Suffice to say that when it comes to ME, and specifically the jarring tonal shifts from one game to the next, I have opinions.

And you are totally right, I am a writer first (to some extent, at least) and a game maker second. My contest participation stemmed from my desire to get a game made, actually, but not this one. I had an idea for a quirky RPG, and when I was struggling in vain to find some collaborators (not unlike I am now with artists for children’s books, so if you know anyone interested, drop me a line!), I pondered doing something on my own to dip my toe in the water and somebody mentioned this place. When I came and saw the contest I knew it was meant to be. And lo and behold, it was! 140,000 words in less than eight months, from someone who likely hadn’t written that many words total in his life outside of play-by-post D&D. Placing would have been extremely cool, but just finishing was a big deal.

Still split on whether or not relationships will be a thing, but if they are I see lots of possibles, including all the ones you mentioned. And since I do plan on carrying over character choices from one to the next, some characters may get involved independent of the MC. Always seems like it should be that way, you’re not the only person around people would want to be with.

@Aleksa100 Neb is a lot of fun to write, so I am glad you enjoyed him/it. His creator will likely show up at some point too.

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General Thoughts:

  1. I thought it was funny as hell, really from start to finish. That’s tough to do. Seriously, I laughed out loud many times…and I was sitting in my office by myself.

  2. I loved the fast pace. I think the worst thing a story can be is boring. You certainly don’t fall into that category. I thought the “captured” scenes were a good way to slow it down for a bit and give us a rest, while still advancing plot and keeping a sense of tension.

  3. Strong chemistry with MC and friends. You were smart, I think, to add team members one or two at a time. I am a sucker for strong ensemble stories.

  4. I just played through once, but based on the choice of two MCs, looking at the achievements, and reading some of this thread about multiple endings/crazy, etc., it appears you did a great job balancing replayability/width with length/a compelling, full story. Again, this is not easy to do.

I honestly enjoyed this story as much as any other I’ve read on here (HG and CoG included) over the past few years. But keep in mind, that I am probably your exact audience for the story. I know others enjoy more serious or realistic tales.I like those as well, but I place a premium on humor, good pacing, and team chemistry, all of which I think NPT nails.

Suggestions:

I’m not sure how big of a hurry you are in to get this to Hosted Games. Looking at the “HG Releases” queue, it looks like there will be a glut of games for the rest of the year, so I don’t know if you want to join the glut, or make a few tweaks while the others get pushed through.

  1. I would suggest going through the game and working on paragraphs. To me, that’s the biggest bang for the buck. There are dozens and dozens of paragraphs that are way too long, and that include multiple different speakers in the same paragraph. I’d suggest fixing all of those. It will make the story appear more polished and read more smoothly.

  2. I thought a few elements crossed the line from silly/funny to “too on the nose.” For example, when you mentioned someone’s work title, and I figured out on my own that the acronym was T.U.R.D., I laughed out loud. But later, when you expressly referred to TURD in the text, I thought that went too far. A few of the villain’s announcements, I thought, also crossed the line. Like her talking about reporting activity to get cookies. But it’s a tough line, and will probably vary by individual.

  3. The title. I’m sure you are attached to it, and I know I tend to title my stuff early on and ‘marry’ the title. I will just say that, based on the title alone, I had NO idea what to expect. And I think that’s a bad thing. I think a title should give the reader a ‘promise’ of what they will get if they buy the game. Again, I know you are probably married to it, but I just wanted to toss out my two cents.

  4. I didn’t mind at all “being” Alexi, BUT have other beta readers expressed a preference to create a customized character? I think that having to “be” one of two characters might hurt sales, because most HG readers expect more character creation flexibility. I know this would require some work, and you probably don’t want to change this at this late date. I’m just mindful of trying to cast a wide net for potential audience.

But again, IMHO, you have a kickass story here, and maybe the potential for a sequel??

Below are some stream-of-conscious notes I typed as I went…There are a few bugs that I pointed out

Loved the first Achievement name (Participation Trophy)
Loved the class names
My insanity went down by 2 when I challenged Neb to a staring contest? I thought it would go up
Two different speakers in same paragraph – page where you board Neb
No end quotes on page after I pick my new ID and where Neb renames itself
Loved post-missle description and choices
Return to toaster/taco, really needs more paragraphs especially after all stats +1 bump
Again, two people talking in the same paragraph when he meets Fiorella
Again, as Neb analyzes situation
“And hear I thought” (and here I thought”)
Like limits on gear (I should have thought about that myself!)

Chapter 3
I found using “they” to describe Fiorella to be odd, since she was earlier described as a woman
Plot is really picking up! I like this
I lol’ed at Dolly crying out when you and Fiorella are gunned down
Lol at TURD acronym

Chapter 4
Scene in lab, more paragraphs with multiple speakers.
I asked Fiorella if she wants a check up, and the next scene erroneously said “You’re surprised when Alexi pipes up, as he sounds relatively cheerful.” But I’m Alexi, so this must be a bug.
Lol at “recreation budget” comment from guard. There is actually a lot of funny stuff going on, I’m getting sucked into the story and have to remind myself to type notes.
“Fine” has a capital I – typo (on page that starts “The group takes cover in various spots…”

Chapter 5
Lol poor Jake from State Farm
Group has such chemistry; it was smart to add members little by little
When I spoke to the little robot in the hall, again I got a response that said something about Alexi, but I am Alexi. It said “Alexi chuckles at that, in spite of himself.”
Yay! I achieved maximum stealth in Chapter 5!

Chapter 6
Very engaging scenes! I love how you keep the pace tight and fast
Latasha just kissed me and basically called me her boyfriend. Should I have seen this coming? I knew we were getting along well, but I was not expecting this. Would this offend people playing Alexi as a gay character?
After Latasha shoots Solus, I get a scent that starts with “A few seconds later, you see Train coming into view as he comes sprinting down the slope toward you, holding an injured….” And then the next line says that Latasha and Elgin approach as well, but Latasha was already with me. This looks to be a bug.

Chapter 7
Huge paragraph here that starts with “He starts to write, then pauses.” It should probably be three or four paragraphs instead.

Epilogue
Dolly! Lol That was an AWESOME ending I got!

With the 36 remaining achievements, I feel like there is a lot of replayability here!
I had a VERY good time playing this, Matt! I found it engaging pretty much from start to finish.

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Well, that is by far the most detailed and thorough report I’ve gotten on the story to date. I’m humbled, man. Really. Glad I could entertain, and as much as I do want to try to get as close to the front of the line as possible for the post-contest rush, I do intend to fix as much as I can to give it the best possible chance. I’ve lived with these characters in my head for over twelve years. Seems a shame to start rushing right at the end and screw things up more than those gaping rectums at Apple already have with their infernal 4.2.6 rule change that crapped all over our collective hearts.

I think a lot of the paragraph problems come from not remembering enough to put a line break after a label. So what seems a small paragraph on its own is a lot bigger because it then feeds into another one from before the label with no break in between. It will take some doing but it has to be fixed, and I appreciate the heads-up.

The fixed protagonist, I will likely leave. I know it’s not overly popular on here, guess I’m just rolling the dice that the forum faithful may not accurately represent the whim of the masses outside of this place. Or maybe I’m just really obstinate (well, no maybe there, actually. Dad isn’t the only one who takes determination and turns it into both a skill and a weakness).

I am really unsure about the name, though. It came up a few months ago, and the overall consensus was to keep it but it was divided. Might be time for a poll.

Getting late, going to try and sleep. Oh, and Dad whipped me, my aunt and my uncle in some Mensa game they brought with them from Illinois called 10 Days in Africa. Apparently he gave them a similar hiding in Scrabble last night. Just miraculous.

  • Nuclear Powered Toaster-Keep it as is!
  • Graduation Day- Short, catchy. Misleading?
  • The Solus Eclipse- Too Robert Ludlum?
  • Assault on Duck Mountain-Punchy. Too serious?
  • The Flying Toaster- Just spitballing.
  • Other- Leave your suggestion here.
  • Pie-Because all my polls have a pie option.

0 voters

  1. List item
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I am glad your father is recovering with such amazing speed :slight_smile: … i think it is really a blessing for you and your family …

Well… this is common if you are following the trend of PC game such as Mass Effect :wink: Although i would prefer to use my own name …but i can respect your vision the way Mass Effect fix us with the protagonist Shepard …

I chose Solus Eclipse because … well, i am attracted to Mistress Solus…Lol :smile: but i didn’t know i will receive a kiss from Latasha, any guide to receive that scene? :stuck_out_tongue:

Latasha and Fi seem to be the loyal RO for future events…but Solus is just too intriguing to be kept close :wink:

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Started to work on the bug fixes and some style issues mentioned from your run. Thanks again, this is great. If you’re ever bored someday (Haha, as if parents ever have the luxury of being bored. Or pooping alone.), please give Fiorella a run as well.

I don’t know how I don’t know the answer to this given how much I read, but I really should do a paragraph break every time a new character chimes in? Even when it’s just a brief aside?

Oh, and for the spaceship staring contest, that wasn’t a bug; your Insanity went down because you lost. Had you won, it would have gone up 5 (and you would have stumbled upon one of the hidden achievements, as it is not easy to win, you need to have done almost all available Insanity choices up to that point).

I do still wonder about switching the name specifically to Graduation Day. I do feel it is more marketable, being that is shorter, less obtuse and ties into the school vein that is so popular here. My main concern, aside from my attachment to NPT from all these years, is the potential for reader blowback when it becomes apparent that the school bits are just a small part of the experience.

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Generally speaking action or dialogue from a new person should be in a new paragraph unless the focus is on the original person reacting to the new one. Like:

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” says Alice.

“Well I was only trying to help,” says Bob.

vs

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” says Alice, glaring at Bob as he begins to say, “Well, I was only trying to help…”

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Woah…that…woah. That was hilarious and wonderful and filled my soul with joy and made me use wayyy too many “ands” in one sentence. I’m ashamed I didn’t get to it sooner.

I hate to admit it, but I was somewhat staying away from it because of the title. I thought the title was so silly that the game itself would be completely silly without that much substance. However, it’s got world and structure and wit and…(there I go with the “ands” again). Long story short, it’s amazing. Like, seriously amazing. Like, so amazing, amazing. You know? That kind of amazing. I was super excited just reading some of the choices and every Insanity branch was terrific. Also, Train is now one of my favourite characters in any CoG/HG/ANYTHING EVER. :hugs:

I understand that you want a funny title but considering how much substance the game actually has, I think the title should have some too. When I read it I thought we were talking a run of the mill post-apocalyptic Earth story (I guess it is to an extent but it’s also so much more). Sorry I’m ragging on the title, I just wanted to let you know because I’m worried that there might be other people who haven’t read the story because they think it’ll be plain silly when it actually straddles that fine line very nicely. Or maybe at least make the summary more clear about what to expect? Post-post-post-post-apocalyptic isn’t exactly obvious. :yum:

I also agree that Graduation Day would be a bit disingenuous (also doesn’t tell you much about the game either) and I don’t actually have a solution to what the name of the story should be. Having said that, I think the title should play off of the idea of the terrific rag tag team you assemble and maybe petty criminality (the idea of fun smugglers and general rogues are always big in sci-fi). If that sentence doesn’t make sense to you, I can try to explain it more. :sweat_smile:

Bugs n’ Things:

I ran through with Fiorella and there were a few times where the names got backwards:

Fiorella snorts at your cowardice. “Come on Alexi, you can’t be afraid of a little prick, or you’d have to spend your whole life avoiding mirrors. I’d say you should go first.” 128 hoots with laughter at this comment.

////////

Fiorella shoots you a dirty look. A faint shimmer of green light pours from the robot and envelops you both. “Verification failed. Subjects do not match stored biometrics for Numbers 1 and 2. Please state correct identification credentials in five seconds.”

Think you might have to CTRL+H and replace those Fiorellas with some variables!

Also funny stuff is happening with some speech marks. Are you copying your work from Word to Notepad or something? Because a lot of the speech marks seem to be getting reversed or appear in different fonts.

And in this choice there were just a couple of speech marks missing, just to let you know!

Screenshot

Image2

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I could have sworn I responded here, must have typed a draft and it failed to go off. @Revache, thanks for both the kind words and the added bugs and such. I did indeed paste a lot of the text from Google Docs/Drive/whatever it calls itself now. Probably a solid 60-75% of the story was done that way, mostly because I was typing on other machines than my trusty coding laptop. I’d heard it could be a problem but never saw anything myself. I wonder if it carries over in the big release?

Slowly going through and bugbusting in the midst of other doings. On that note, Dad is home from the rehab place! He is bummed about his limitations (even though they’re mostly just “Don’t do anything that could reinjure your head”)and gets fatigued easily, and he has to have someone with him 24/7 for the next six weeks since he’s still a fall risk, but he’s still doing just amazing considering that this time last month I was having to spend 17 hours a day physically restraining him from ripping his feeding tube out and telling him every ten minutes he had been in an accident. And now that his jaw is not wired he is finally off of the liquid diet. Has a couple months on soft food, but just being able to eat real things like pizza and such has really boosted him up.

@Eric_Moser One thing I did want to mention; the staring contest only made Insanity go down because you lost. Technically you can win it, doing so is just difficult as you have to have taken almost all available Insanity choices up to that point. It’s actually one of the hidden achievements.

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@hustlertwo

The differently stylized speech marks isn’t that big of a problem, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t been focused on it because of the missing speech marks in general. I’m sorry I didn’t mark them all down for you but I got too involved in the story. :laughing:

Also, I’m super glad to hear your dad’s doing well. That’s wonderful news. :blush:

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@hustlertwo I finally got around to trying this one and wow, this is really enjoyable. Very well written, with humor that doesn’t feel forced like games that are trying to be funny often can end up feeling. It seems like there’s even a possibility to play it without killing a lot of people, which is something I often try to do. Although the fact that you so often get that option makes it a feel a bit weird when you don’t. I think I tried every possible option when going to the mountain base, but I guess there isn’t any way to avoid killing 33. Can’t seem to succeed at the influence option even with 35 points, and you always aim to kill by default. I guess it doesn’t really fit with the story, but taking the mountain path does seem less interesting since you get one less ally.

Am I the only one the saves don’t work for?

Oh yeah, for the record, the reason I didn’t play this game for so long aside from well, that I stopped visiting the site for a while, but even before that, was the name. It just didn’t really give an interesting impression. Made it seem completely farcical when it’s more of an actual interesting post apocalyptic sci fi story with a lot of light hearted comedic elements. I’m not entirely sure what would be a better name though because now that I’ve played it I actually like the name.

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Glad you enjoyed it! I did try to provide nonlethal choices a lot, but had not known how to do it with 33 without a lot of writing specific to a narrow branch of choices. But maybe I should revisit that. Influence will always fail there though, I felt like occasionally there should be situations no one can possibly just talk their way out of.

Saves do not work, it is true. Back when I tried to put them on it crashed the whole story, so I deleted the save-related code and never had time to redo it. Now I have time but there is not much point, since it does not need saves when it goes live and once I submit it this gets pulled down anyhow.

It probably does seem weird for 128 to be the only party member on the mountain playthroughs. But I figured with the townies you have one competent person in Latasha and one largely comedic one in Elgin. But TURD 128 kinda serves as both (as long as you don’t give him a gun). Plus, even in a comedy it might strain belief to have yet another person randomly defect and join you.

This title! I mean, what do I do here?

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@hustlertwo Yeah, I figured it was one of those no win situations when it comes to influence. Makes sense given the limited absurdity in the humor. I didn’t really expect it to work but it was the only one that hadn’t succeeded no matter the stats so I just thought I’d ask about it. I definitely would encourage you to revisit it, though this is of course coming from someone who doesn’t really know how much work it would take and is just interested in seeing what kind of effect 33 could have on the story.

Another defection doesn’t necessarily have to be random. I never got the impression that Solus was all that great at inspiring loyalty in her mooks. If it was 33 as a second companion it could be tied into the relationship between her and Solus. She seems to actually care (if only by taking offense to having an asset taken away from her) about 33 specifically, but Solus also doesn’t seem like the type to be terribly forgiving.

The title really is a tough one cause I can’t think of one that suits it better, but at the same time it really doesn’t do a good job of invoking the subject matter of the game…

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Hello all! It is coming on the anniversary of my embarking on this mad crusade, and I can think of no better way to celebrate it than to submit NPT for HG publication. As such I am finishing up a massive final draft edit, adding paragraphs, fixing typos, balancing, all that good stuff. Almost done, in fact. So suggestions or feedback will need to come soon or not at all.

One big question: right now an Insanity score over 44 gets you the three Insanity endings automatically instead of the normal story one. What do y’all think? Is that fair, or should crazies have a choice to get the regular endings as well?

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@hustlertwo

deadpool

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I don’t know how much of a response that was, but I do know I liked it!

Oh, update.

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Congrats! So no major changes then? I mean, besides the overall major changes to the amount of typos and the like? Are you keeping the name?

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Nothing too big, no. 33 just wasn’t a character I wanted in there for good, in part because she is too similar to someone I have in mind for The Hoard. There were lots of little rewrites, mostly just for stylistic reasons (towards the end I was definitely using the same words too often; chalk it up to sleep deprivation in meeting the contest deadline. Waking yourself up at 2 to write for five hours before work has to have some sort of negative side effects). Some number tweaks too. Any input is still desired, so feel free to chime in! I will submit as soon as I write the test scene, more than likely. Probably this weekend.

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Well now I need to see what this “The Hoard” is. Sounds dragony. Which would be great, because Choice of the Dragon is how I joined this forum all those years ago, and that game was definitely not taking full advantage of the system’s potential as many subsequent writers have shown over the years. If it’s not about dragons though well, you’re still a pretty damn good writer so I’m still interested.

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No dragons, I’m afraid. Though I suppose that is always an option for an Insanity ending! The Hoard is the nickname for an extremely massive enclosed complex full of pre-Clysm items and technology.

Good news, everyone! After editing and rewriting all of May, NPT was submitted for HG review in mid-June! I still have some art assets to get, but as of this point the story is pretty much locked in. I will still leave the WIP link up until it gets a bit closer to actual release though, as with the glut of HG submissions after the contest I suspect it won’t be making it out as a release until very late this year or even the next. Thanks again to everyone that has helped out with testing, suggesting, or simply supporting my inane scribblings!

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Finally!!!

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