🧜‍♀️ Nereid- a retelling of the little mermaid (WIP). New private testers temporarily closed (Oct 21st)

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“Oh my word, why must you merfolk take everything so literally?” the Sea Witch exclaims with a roll of her large midnight dark eyes. “No little one, much like an anchor keeps a boat from drifting away with the tide, you need a human to keep you from losing your new form. And not just any human, they must love you with the entirety of their heart and mind. This you must achieve by the time the sun sets on the third day.”

Nereid is heavily inspired by “The little mermaid” a story by Hans Christian Andersen. Please be aware, it is only a short game by HG standards. (It started out life as a competition entry which I didn’t get finished in time to enter.)

:mermaid: :merperson: :merman:

A full draft of the game is already complete, but the remaining days require a good edit and bugtest before being made available. This is something I plan to have done within the next few weeks. Currently only Day One and most of Two are available. I still haven’t decided whether to make this an entirely public or move to private beta, so if anyone is interested in testing the rest, please let me know in case I do not release the complete game publicly :slight_smile:

Would love any feedback. Constructive criticism welcome. As are grammar, spelling errors or bugs. (Especially misgenders. Both the main characters are gender flippable so if anyone notices something incorrect I may have miscoded.)

AI Disclosure:
:check_mark:No — This project does not contain the output of Generative AI

Updates

:tropical_fish: 15th August: Day two up. Added a character creation section for those who would like to use it. Grammar and minor bug fixes.

:dolphin: 21st August: Minor bugs and grammar update.

Play Nereid

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Hello! I enjoyed reading Nereid and look forward to reading more. Here are some of the things I found that you may want to correct:

Click here

Solid ground is not place for one of the merfolk

not a place

Glimpses of sailor’s terror

sailors’ terror

You’d listened to the hull creaking and groaning if in pain, almost

as if in pain

terror illuminated by the flash of lightening

lightning

menacing mountains against the lightening lit sky

lightning

sputtered and choaked as for a moment as water is forced

choked

you find you did care

found (to stay consistent; unless I’m wrong)

The faint glow of dawn was only just lighting the sky by the time you have managed to haul the

had managed

Merfolk were not the only danger to haunt these waters

have haunted (to stay consisted; unless I’m wrong)

Human voices could never more than a pale imitation

never be more than

You sigh letting the vision fade, the memory still crystal clear to recall though some twelve phases of the moon had passed since that moment in time.

You sigh, letting the vision fade, the memory still crystal clear to recall, though

wrapping your body as best you’re able in the long tangled hair

able to

There is one final part to the witch’s prophesy

prophecy (noun)

she held up the bottle of sparking elixir

sparkling elixir

“Poof? W-What does that mean?” You had stammered

you (not capitalized, unless correct)

You held out you hand

your hand

“Life’s unfair,” the with snapped back angrily

witch

from the shore before, you know the way

knew the way

over the path providing dappled trees

dappled shade (?)

The door swings open to reveal a a muscled woman

double “a” / also, I chose a male RO, but it says woman. Similarly, all pronouns on the same paragraph are for a female RO

Rosey tint

rosy tint (not capitalized)

suddenly registers you lack of clothing

your

In the meantime you can stay here for a few days until we get this sorted out?

In the meantime, (comma) / sorted out. (I think that should be a period there)

supposed to do with murky liquid the vessel

with the

Well ok then

Well, okay then

with the realisation that that he’d

that (I think only one that here is fine)

“You mean I really guessed it?” !he blinks

stray “!”

“Ok Ibe, well that’s a start.”

“Okay Ibe, well that’s a start.”

shiver at the thought that he could have chosen to turn you away out of hand as a stranger, never giving you a chance to get to know {phimher} at all.

not sure about “out of hand” / {phimher}

careful not to let your curiosity run get you into trouble

run and get you into trouble

but everything is dream like fragments

dreamlike / or rephrase like “but everything seems/feels like fragments of a dream”

eyes widen in panic

widened (past tense as this is from a flashback)

You were not prepared for the agony this new legs would bring

these new legs

what happened to one of the two legged folk of the land

two-legged folk

I didn’t mention any of the comma-related corrections I’d normally point out, as I understand some of them may be stylistic choices. Let me know if you’d like me to point them out, and I’ll try to include them next time. I’m also not a native English speaker, so do forgive me if some of my corrections are wrong. Liking it so far!

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Oh wow, thank you @TonyG. That’s a lotta typos. I really thought I’d gotten most of them out of there, I’m going to need to go through and fix those :woman_facepalming:

I’m happy either way regarding the commas. If players report punctuation I definitely look at it. Sometimes it’s stylistic, sometimes I need to change stuff. I think I tend to leave out commas that many people think should be there. (In saying that I added a heap to my IFComp entry.)

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Hopefully TonyG’s reported typos and bugs are fixed, game updated :slight_smile:

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Will there be customization of the appearance (and tail xd)? That would be fun.

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Absolutely loved the first day. I played through and thoroughly enjoyed it. I.. didn’t notice any glaring typos but nor was I actively looking for them (really obvious problems I do tend to notice quickly)

I enjoyed the characters, AND the choices/perspectives you let us choose (curious/reluctant). To me choice (meaningful choice) is always king. There are few things I appreciate more in games, and it’s the main reason I enjoy interactive stories / branched storylines so much

Thank you for sharing this (and given the opportunity, I’d love to test/proofread)

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It’s up to you, but there seems to be enough interest for a private beta test. :slightly_smiling_face: Either way, I’ll be happy to review the full draft when you have it ready, either a public or private version.

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Thank you so much @neutral22 and @ChanceOfFire for the lovely comments and offer to help with testing. I really appreciate it :blush:

@anon67111821 I’ll add an optional ability to set the character appearance (and your poor lost tail) for those who would like to :slight_smile:

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Yay! That would be :kissing_face_with_smiling_eyes::pinched_fingers: MC doesn’t feel so… invisible if I can choose the appearance features.

How many endings are there in this story? If it’s not a spoiler, does one include getting the tail back?

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At the moment I have four possible endings. (You can guess at what those might be if you know the original folk tale. I’m keeping the specifics quiet just for the moment so there’s some surprises I hope :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:)

Are you sure you want to know :sweat_smile: ? It is kind of a spoiler maybe. No specifics, but I’m putting it under a spoiler tag so you can choose.

But that seems like a likely possible outcome given some of your options :merperson:

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I really enjoyed this! It feels like such a nice, straightforward, uncomplicated yet magical read. I felt a deep connection to the fairy tale origin, which by the way, really depressed me as a kid. :melting_face: Nevertheless a twisted part of me hopes for a possible ending that’s exactly as tragically as the original.

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That’s great. Short, but I love the vibes, and it has everything that needs to be - descriptions, dialogues, otherwordly vibes and fairy tale feel.

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Short, but good vibes, interest to see where this will go. If it were a longer game the lack of being able to communicate might get old but could work for the short work that you seem to be telling. Look forward to more!

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Thank you! Yeah the original fairy tale is pretty depressing. (The mermaid kind of gets something of what she was after in the end. But the whole mistaken identity thing was pretty sad.) It’s amazing how dark/harsh a lot of the original source material for well known fairy tales actually is.

Thank you @Gapaot! I’m glad you’ve liked it so far :slight_smile:

Thanks for the nice comments @TheMorrigan. Yes I do tend to agree with you that this one does probably tend to work better as a shorter game as it could get a bit frustrating dealing with this if it was drawn out too long. Anyway, when the rest of the game is posted we’ll see what everyone thinks. Hopefully I’ve got the “not to long or short” balance somewhat right, otherwise it can have some editing :slight_smile:

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Love this so far! Just some things I noticed:

Summary

Correct pronouns for the human aren’t used in these parts (they/them instead of he/him or she/her):

It is impossible he could not have understood what you were and why you are here, but the certainty of drowning without your aid has compelled them to beg for your assistance, slim though that hope may be.

Usually you’d have pulled the human underwater, not giving them any time to plead their case. After all, what good would it do to listen to the nattering’s of one of their kind given their fate was sealed the moment they joined you in the icy water. His skin was strangely warm to the touch, though they shivered in your grasp; so different to when you’ve claimed those that have sunk beneath the surface in the past. Their clumsy appendages (legs had you heard them called?) continued to thrash the water frantically weighed down by wet heavy clothing. They’re no match for the smooth, sinuous movements of your own tail and you can tell they struggle to keep their head above the water’s surface. Poor creature, to be so weak and helpless.

You had taken the human’s now cold and almost lifeless hand in your own, their pulse slow and thready in their wrist under your webbed fingers and hauled them…

Having given your rescued human a shake in hopes of waking them, to your dismay they had remained stubbornly limp and unresponsive in your arms.

Were they dead? You didn’t think so.

If not for the slight rise and fall of his chest you may have come to believe they were like all the others you had brought the ocean’s floor, destined to never to wake from their final sleep. Where once their skin had an inner warmth that almost burned your fingertips, now it was akin to your own: cold and clammy to the touch.

Your months of spying had allowed you to discover the path from which they most frequently appeared and used to walk from the beach to what you could only assume would be their dwelling.

“Hello?” The door swings open to reveal a muscled man in their mid-twenties.

You open your mouth to tell him how good it is to finally see them, talk to them, explain that you were the one who saved them all those months ago

“Feeling any warmer now?” your host comments as they re-enter with two cups of steaming liquid.

“Tell me,” Tarben’s eyes seem slightly feverish as they focus once more on your face.

Quotation mark missing here:

“Magic comes at a cost my dear,” the Sea Witch had exclaimed gleefully as she held up the bottle of sparkling elixir for you to take. "Nothing can come from nothing.

Comma missing after “echoed” and “no” here:

“An anchor?” you’d echoed puzzled.

"No little one, much like an anchor keeps a boat from drifting away with the tide, you need a human to keep you from losing your new form.

Thinking that here you should write it would-be-human, otherwise it’s a little confusing to read:

"Why my little would be human, if you are neither human nor merman by the time the spell has run its course… then you will be nothing. A memory perhaps, or a smattering of seafoam drifting on the waves. No more than that.

Pronoun shouldn’t be capitalized here I think:

“Take this should you change your mind. A death… His death, can pay for your passage back to the ocean should you wish to stop this folly and return to where you belong.”

I really enjoy your writing, it’s easy to understand but still descriptive. I’m excited to see where it goes, and particularly if we’ll get any other glimpses into merfolk life & how our MC will adjust to being a human. The brief mention of there being a deity in the ocean was really intriguing :eyes: If you decide to do a private beta test I’d be interested in helping out :slight_smile:

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Thank you @forestnymph for the offer of help and the typos! I’ll check those out when I’m home.

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Hi, I really loved this IF and how ur writing style was really easy to get immersed in. I would also love to beta test in the future if its ever available. Thank you so much for writing an IF about this idea as I love Fairytale IF’s.

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Does it have a good ending, too? :grinning_face:

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I am IN LOVE with these fairytale retellings. Ugh, your writing is to die for, I’m addicted already :heart:

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Yes, I’m going to have a few alternate endings :slight_smile:

Thank you very much for your kind words and encouragement @Smile_001 and @Edicius :blush:

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