Tell me what you think of this passage of the game I am working on.
In brief it will be a military game where you are taken through boot camp to war… I suspect it will take me 1-2 months to complete.
Hopefully I don’t get shipped during that time or it will be longer.
Here is the passage, tell me what you think and if this writing style is playable and give honest opinions.
Your chest pains, you can feel the dust settle into your lungs on every breath. As a cold warmth runs down your ears onto your neck. There is a man in front of you, wrapping something red and white around your leg. As he turns to yell into the distance you notice a badly drawn smiley face tattoo. Sand pelts against your face and you notice it is exploding up into the sky from everywhere. Most explosions are small only reaching a few inches, but every now and then one of the sand geysers will reach a few feet. They seem to go off without any order or rhythm, like chaos. “ZACK! Look at me buddy!” You stare directly at him, the world around him is vivid and real. But for some reason he is a shadowy figure with a tattoo of a smiley face on his neck. He says more but the ringing in your ears prevents you from hearing. You rub your ears and notice it feels wet. Looking at your hand all you see is blood. Instantly your brought back to reality. “I am going to get you out of here! MEDIC!!!”
Your ears burn, your neck is sticky with blood, and your lungs are filled with dust. You remember that white and red wrapping… (It’s probably bad) you think to yourself. As you decide to look down, it feels like a truck full of nyquil hits you. Now struggling to stay awake you flirt with closing your eyes. The more they shut the better you feel. You have never felt such exhaustion. (Just closing them because it feels good but I will stay awake) you rationalize to yourself. As soon as they close a new sensation rushes over you. You feel a satisfying peace nudging you to go to sleep. You let it slowly draw you into its lair, as the peacefulness envelopes your soul…
“Za… Stay Awa…MEDIC!”
The sound of a crack steals you from the peace, and your face stings. Your eyes burst open to see the shadowy figure with the smiley face tattoo looming over you. “Zack you cannot die here! Not here!.. MEDIC!!!” The words bounce off of you. You Understand what he said, but you can’t remember the words. What you do remember was that peace, that comfort. You close your eyes, and your instantly lost to it.
So obviously this is a death scene
Any suggestions or opinions. I want your honest opinions so I don’t spend hours upon hours on nothing
Edit: I just noticed the two mistakes with your not being you’re. Notepad + + does not spell check for me lol. But I will polish it, this is rough at the moment.