My game I am working on

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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Tell me what you think of this passage of the game I am working on.
In brief it will be a military game where you are taken through boot camp to war… I suspect it will take me 1-2 months to complete.
Hopefully I don’t get shipped during that time or it will be longer.

Here is the passage, tell me what you think and if this writing style is playable and give honest opinions.

Your chest pains, you can feel the dust settle into your lungs on every breath. As a cold warmth runs down your ears onto your neck. There is a man in front of you, wrapping something red and white around your leg. As he turns to yell into the distance you notice a badly drawn smiley face tattoo. Sand pelts against your face and you notice it is exploding up into the sky from everywhere. Most explosions are small only reaching a few inches, but every now and then one of the sand geysers will reach a few feet. They seem to go off without any order or rhythm, like chaos. “ZACK! Look at me buddy!” You stare directly at him, the world around him is vivid and real. But for some reason he is a shadowy figure with a tattoo of a smiley face on his neck. He says more but the ringing in your ears prevents you from hearing. You rub your ears and notice it feels wet. Looking at your hand all you see is blood. Instantly your brought back to reality. “I am going to get you out of here! MEDIC!!!”

Your ears burn, your neck is sticky with blood, and your lungs are filled with dust. You remember that white and red wrapping… (It’s probably bad) you think to yourself. As you decide to look down, it feels like a truck full of nyquil hits you. Now struggling to stay awake you flirt with closing your eyes. The more they shut the better you feel. You have never felt such exhaustion. (Just closing them because it feels good but I will stay awake) you rationalize to yourself. As soon as they close a new sensation rushes over you. You feel a satisfying peace nudging you to go to sleep. You let it slowly draw you into its lair, as the peacefulness envelopes your soul…

“Za… Stay Awa…MEDIC!”

“Zack!”

The sound of a crack steals you from the peace, and your face stings. Your eyes burst open to see the shadowy figure with the smiley face tattoo looming over you. “Zack you cannot die here! Not here!.. MEDIC!!!” The words bounce off of you. You Understand what he said, but you can’t remember the words. What you do remember was that peace, that comfort. You close your eyes, and your instantly lost to it.

So obviously this is a death scene :stuck_out_tongue:
Any suggestions or opinions. I want your honest opinions so I don’t spend hours upon hours on nothing :slight_smile:
Edit: I just noticed the two mistakes with your not being you’re. Notepad + + does not spell check for me lol. But I will polish it, this is rough at the moment.

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The scene is good but it would be better if you don’t mention those tattoos because that seems out of place

Felt wrong.

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Thanks boss, My goal was to make this the intro scene into the story, and the shadowy character is you, through bootcamp there will be a way that gets you that tattoo.
At the end of the scene there is a fake choice of “it’s all your fault” multiple times.
It’s like a foreshadowing of a nightmare…

With the chaos part, I completely agree :slight_smile:

Edit: to me it would just be cool, to the reader to come to the point in the story where Zack is dying in front of your eyes, you know the outcome but you got choices that will effect him and the battle in real time.

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Was about to say that I easily get annoyed when there’s a “your” instead of a “you’re”. Nice progress so far. :smiley:

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I moved the thread to the Work in Progress sub-fora. Good luck in getting your project off the ground.

Helpful Links:
Master-List Links For Beginners
CSIDE Scripting Tool Web-Site

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I think that would be fine with me it’s almost like origami dies in CCH ( :cry: ) , so It’s not a problem

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I don’t like reading about the lungs being filled with dust twice. It’s redundant(? there’s a better word for what I’m trying to say here.)
Changing the second reiteration to something like “and your throat feels like you’ve swallowed sand.” would make it read better to me.

Also, the tattoo is mentioned twice in the same paragraph. I’d get rid of one. Also like DM mentioned. The tattoo feels a bit out of place.
Is the neck even properly visible to see a tattoo on a soldier who’s geared up for going into a warzone?

I’d contract the “I am”.

Nitpicking aside. Great read, good death scene. I hope to see more.

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Thank for the input. With both of you saying that, I should think of another cue.
Maybe like a charm hanging out of a pocket, or strapped around his gun. I think it would fit the scene better and be easier to write in.

Also now that I think of it, if you make a “shadowy” character and only mention 1 object to describe him, I think the reader will remember.

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zack could give him something that you would later say that we have.

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Maybe, but I want the reader to piece it together right before his death, like 1 scene before, he is the one who is going to die.
To early, they wont build attachment… Too late, they won’t understand the foreshadowing.

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Tomorrow I should have a rough alpha ready for reading… It won’t be perfect but it will give an idea.

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