Mafia City- Rise of a Don [WIP] Updated(02/03/2019) Poll Added 48

Still there for me

Lmao is this how mafia works?

It should be fixed now

1 Like

Thank u

Typos 'n such

i%20am

I am.

doctor%20-%20capital

Doctor should be lowercase.

dad%20and%20mum%20-%20capitals

Dad and mum should also be lowercase in these options!

girl%2C%20julian%20and%20i

Julian and I, also stick to girl.

jake%2C%20taylor%20and%20i%2C%20assignments

Taylor and I, assignments and also; who’s Jake?

has

Has.

period

This sentence is kinda jumbled, it should be She taught me how to act like a model, and I surely got the act. That came with fitness issues, too. But also, what issues? Is the narrator/MC referring to weight loss or weight gain? Muscle mass? :man_shrugging:

come

Come, and the sentence should read but right now I am terribly furious over my dad’s assassination.

uhh

Dad should be capitalized here and the two sentences should read: be able to avenge him and It’s my time for revenge.

The flow of the prologue felt somewhat awkward, likely because of the narration. The lines talking about “I don’t know how I knew but this was my dad” felt very out of place and I don’t imagine babies are capable of taking in everything around them, at least to that extent. I’m assuming the narrator was speaking as a baby rather than… recounting a tale to a cop or something along those lines. It felt very Ryan Reynolds-esque.
Calling MC “handsome” right as he came out the womb felt off, too. That might just be me though since my mum always called my brothers handsome babies :man_shrugging:
I’m also curious to know how our mother found out Dad had been assassinated and traced it back to the mafia within a few hours of it happening :thinking: Is mommy hiding something?

Otherwise I think you have a solid start. I don’t see the similarities to Life of a Mobster but I haven’t read it in like a year so :man_shrugging: whatever
Keep on writing though! I’d love to see where this goes.

1 Like

Thank you very much will work on the errors

2 Likes

I suggest you come up with something more original and unique for the title. “Mafia City” already exists and even if it didn’t, I’d suggest changing it because it sounds a bit cheesy. “Rise of a Don” just makes me think of Vendetta.

The writing sounds pretty awkward and contrived, which I assume is due to a language barrier. I can’t help you there, other than suggest you continue writing and reading.

I personally don’t feel that choosing which high school club you want to attend fits a story of this subject. But that might be just me.

2 Likes
  • The Prologue is acceptable
  • The Prologue still need some work
  • The Prologue is rubbish

0 voters

Just played it again and saw that the thread had been created. Interesting idea. Keep it up.

1 Like

Thanks

Can you replace the single inverted commas with double inverted ones? It feels weird while reading it. :sweat_smile:

Also while talking with the uncle, instead of him spouting every single mafia position and what it does, can we have option to just tell him “Yeah I know what these are.” or something along those lines?

Other than that and errors mentioned in above comments, the game seems good you should continue writing it, good luck! :sparkling_heart:

1 Like

OK will work on that. Thanks

1 Like

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