Lex Talionis: Exordium (Feedback)

I recently started writing my first interactive novel and due to my inexperience I need feedback. This would serve to help me see if the general concept (I am working with), my writing, and other aspects of the project are both functional and enjoyable.

Link: https://dashingdon.com/go/4841

Lex Talionis draws inspiration from multiple sources, though most notably My Hero Academia and Teen Titans. The first entry (Exordium) into the multi-part series, follows a metahuman about to enroll at one of the world’s most prestigious hero universities, Herculean University. Though their motivations are far different than the usual ones that bring students to it, they see the university as a means to an end. One that will provide them with the skills and opportunity necessary to avenge the murder of their father that took place many years ago.

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An interesting story. Can’t wait to see where it goes

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what’s this game all about?

Quiet the meaty demo.
It was a fun romp to be frank, and I did enjoy your style of writing.

One criticism, and perhaps that it is because I am an uncultured swine, but I found the eye colour options to be a tad obtuse. Had to look those names up heh.

Also, a non-binary would be wonderful in the future!

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This is interesting demo. You should put a summary or something like that to start people off. This demo remind me of Boku No Hero Academia and Teen Titans!

Summary


should be “I was wondering HOW you manifested your powers.”

I got stuck on this section. Not sure if there are any chapters left or it’s the end.

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Can you become villain or corrupted hero??:thinking:

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The game is essentially about a metahuman avenging the murder of their father that took place years. Though when they actually begin to pursue their goal it becomes more complicated.

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Thank you.

Perhaps I should change the options :see_no_evil:

With the non-binary inclusion that could be a later addition once I have my first draft written.

A summary in terms of reader expectations or the game?

Thanks for pointing out the grammatical error.

Chapter two ends there, however, I’ll be adding additional content over the weekend.

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I initially thought about doing that but decided against it. However, the corrupted hero is still doable even as an antihero.

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I do like the concept, but I did note a couple of things which I think could be improved on.

notes

You’ve got the DashingDon toggle for saving the game set, but it won’t work without a line of code at the start of Chapter 1:
*sm_init exordium | 3
(Note that you can use anything for the second word, but something based on the game’s title is best, and the number is the number of saves allowed; I think you can go up to 5, but 3 is most common.)

Yours eyes drift lower to her black pajamas. The fabric clings to her curvaceous form; outlining her full breast, narrow waist, wide hips, and round ass.

This is the MC’s mother. The MC’s internal monologue should not be describing her in such sexy terms… :grimacing:

You intercept Ryoka’s attack with impressive speed and grab onto his wrist, pushing against it slightly. You’re careful not to snap Ryoka’s wrist, especially with your superhuman strength.

This doesn’t really sound like “putting some distance between us”. This sounds like “grab his wrist to intercept his attack”… :frowning: Especially since the MC has super-speed, which would be a very good way to put distance between us without needing to fight back… :confused:

Does it have to be about revenge? :thinking: Could it be framed more as “trying to protect others from what happened to the father”? This choice wouldn’t change what the MC is trying to do, only why they’re trying to do it. :thinking:

Either way, though, good luck with the game! :smile:

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My thoughts exactly. :sweat_smile:

Plus, if I’m playing a female MC, it makes no sense to claim that seeing her “affirms my heterosexuality”. “Seeing this sexy woman whose body I just described in explicit, longing detail totally reminds me of how I don’t feel attracted to women after all.”

I suggest you use the *finish command when you reach the end of the content. That way it will show the ending options (play again, rate game, etc.) and it’ll be a lot more obvious that the player has reached the ending. Otherwise it can look like a bug, as the game just gets stuck in an endless loop instead of ending.

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I assumed it was saying she was accepting of our sexuality (in my case, gay male, so also not attracted to women anyway), but it would be an odd way to talk about heterosexuality… :sweat_smile:

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Mmm, I hadn’t considered it could also be read that way. :thinking: The way it’s worded does support that interpretation (it has Naomi, rather than the sight of her, doing the “affirming”).

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As the story progresses throughout the series the MC goal for revenge can broaden or remain the same. This is all dependent on the choices made available to the MC.

Thanks for the good luck.

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Best book ever

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Can I be a beta tester

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The story sounds great so far but I think the others were saying that it would be really helpful if you could edit your original post at the top and add in the brief story summary because I had know idea what the story was about before I scrolled down and read the comments

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I’ll be sure to make the save feature workable.

The MC’s mother is an adoptive one, so the description is permissible. Additionally, it is done more for effect than anything else.

I’ll rework the defensive choice.

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

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