Good job! It’s supposed to be pretty hard to be a human. At least 5 choices determine whether you’re a human or not, some of which take place during the simulation
Update 11/21: some information about suitemates, more of NMC trip added, meet Cressida/Cyrus
I think instead of Lex’s Hex Place, Lex’s Hexes sounds slightly better. That is just my opinion though. Like the story thus far.
Nice to see the game progressing. It’s a quite interesting cast of suitemates you got there, I’m curious to see how the cambion-nephilim relationship will turn out, I bet whatever happens it will be more trouble for the MC to deal with .
Looking forward to learning more about Astrid’s past with Cyrus and Cressida specially because Cyrus seemed to be particularly more hostile towards her (and she returned in kind), but I suppose it could just be his personality considering he implied he actually wanted to be in bad terms with the MC from the start.
Oh and thank you so much for letting me call Astrid a sociopathic demon bitch I had a good laugh with that though I think you should give the player the choice of saying that or not since it is a bit strong, somethink like “speak your mind” or “try to be polite in spite of what you really think”. Also I think it’s odd it doesn’t change the relationship stat with her, in fact, the stats increase/decrease are a bit strange in several occasions, maybe because pretty much every choice affect most stats at the same time in a way it often appears arbitrary…
There are a few things you could improve, expand some more the conversations, there are good opportunities such as teasing Astrid for lending the money (“guilty conscience for dragging me here”, would work with a serious tone or playfully) and as much as I liked being mean with her you could add some “kind” alternatives for when with good relationship.
Lastly, I was completely lost about the choice of ingredients, you might want give some info before making us choose. Or make good use of the relationship stat with Astrid, if it’s high she tells you a bit about them, if not she just tells you to deal with it. I hope I’m not being too picky with the details, I just see good potential in your story and writing style so keep up the good work.
Thank you! Changed for next update!
Astrid and Leon are definitely not going to start out as BFFs aside from their species, their personalities lead to conflict between them, and MC is totally going to have to deal with it if he/she wants to get much fighting monsters/saving the world stuff as a team.
Cyrus and Astrid have a way different relationship than Cressida and Astrid, even if both are pretty hostile. The sibling focused on in the game is whoever MC met in the shop.
Changed for next update based on reserved/open stat, and will change relationship, thanks for pointing that all out! If you have a relatively normal to high relationship with Astrid or low to normal, different phrases show up. You must really hate Astrid
On the stats being effected so often, do you mean relationship or personality? Are there any particular instances where it really doesn’t make sense? There are plot specific reasons for a lot of stat change opportunities early on magi MC’s affinity is determined by a lot of personality variations, but anything really weird should be changed.
Definitely will change the end part, it was too rushed on my part
Thank you so much for all of the feedback!!!
I also don’t like Astrid at all. How do we get her to leave our MC alone? The first time I played through I was so happy b/c I thought the brush her off option meant she would go away but no dice. I’m stuck w/ her.There’s nothing particularly wrong with her. It’s just that the relationship just feels very forced. Like, MC’s just been pushed into this new, alien world, why would our only options be reasure her, tease her, or brush her off? Why not one where we’re just too into our own problems to worry about her feelings? Why do her feelings matter at all? She got us into this! Even if we find this exciting and ‘whoa, am I Harry Potter?’ why do we care about her beyond just basic politeness?
(Ok, a lot of that probably made no sense. I pretty much want space from Astrid and am afraid the story will revolve too much around her.)
Also, the parent thing seems like an afterthought, especially since my MC wondered about that from the beginning. It’s not that it’s late (this demo is early game, I assume) but that it’s a throwaway line MC mentions on their way to go shopping. That’s a conversation I wish MC could choose to have right then instead of trusting Astrid’s vague assurance.
I second the explanation about the ingredients! And can’t wait for more in general. I hope MC gets the option to ditch Astrid soon and hang out with different people. EDIT: I love the look of what you’re planning for the next update!
Astrid is around so much in the beginning for plot purposes (e.g. she provides exposition, gets MC through simulation, takes MC on trip to NMC). Once you meet more people (chapter 3), she isn’t quite as necessary to the plot, but is still an important character.
In the next update there will be separate scenes for the people who really hate her, stemming from the ‘brush her off’ option, which will lead to a different person being introduced to take MC to NMC.
The parent thing is something I’m having problems with writing in general, and that MC will have problems with too
Thank you so much for the feedback!
I really like where this is going! For those who felt like we were just shoved into the action…I actually appreciate that kind of writing a lot sometimes authors will ramble and ramble unnecessarily and I’m just like ‘…so…let’s get on with it’. Being a college student myself, I thought your course descriptions when determining class schedules was hilarious. I’m really looking forward to seeing how the relationships with all the other suitemates will turn out. I might be in the minority for saying this, but I didn’t really mind Astrid? It was good to have her there for exposition and help, so I appreciate her presence. I didn’t find her annoying.
Yes, some people can be entirely too detailed. I know more than a few people than can spend several minutes answering a “yes/no” question before I get frustrated, cut them off and demand a simple “yes or no”
Edit: Besides I get the impression with this story that your MC does kinda just get caught up in some crazy and gets steam-rolled along in its wake for a while. The writing style conveys that quite well.
Thank you! The course descriptions were really fun to write, and Astrid is definitely easy and fun to write as a character
I tend to just skip over all of the ‘extra’ text when I read things, so a quicker pace and fewer filler scenes is what I usually like to write. And yeah, that’s definitely true about MC Thanks!
Kerse has a lot of the gothic, punk, whatever fashions. Really dark. There’s some armor stuff there too, mostly leather."
“Celestial sounds okay.”
“I’ll go with Neverland.”
“Modern Mage is good.”
“Kurse would work.”
You spelled Kerse differently in the choices.
Thank you! Fixed for next update.
Update 11/23: non-Astrid route for chapter 1, end of chapter 2, small structure edits, affinity set for magi MC (all of MC’s suitemates have officially had at least a cameo except for one )
I meant personality stats. There are a few instances that seemed strange to me even if not absurd. Lowering the logical and increasing the naive stats when asking Dawson what’s a nephilim comes to mind.
I don’t hate Astrid, my MC does .Just kidding. In truth my MC just blames her and is frustrated with his life being messed up. I (player) sort of like her a bit even though I agree with @pyla8 that the relationship feels forced at least for now. Astrid can develop into a very interesting character, I like how she is lighthearted and fickle but contolling. And demanding (insecure maybe?) based on how she reacts if told to go alone to the party, I suspect she can be a bit possessive of the MC over cyrus/cressida perhaps because her brother seems to be close to them.
I did notice the different phrases, I just thought they ranged form hostile to neutral/polite but not really friendly. But that’s not really wrong or a problem, just an impression.
I thought you just wanted to figure out a way to “get rid” of them and how to write that in the game.
Can you tell MC is what, college high school student? Something else?
P.S.: I have been busy and haven’t checked the latest update yet. Everything here is based entirely in the previous update so some stuff might not even make sense anymore. Sorry .
Asking the doll why it doesn’t have a face then choosing the “if I have to” option gave me this bug message: “chapter1 line 1239: increasing indent not allowed, expected 1 was 2”.
I really like the changes you did in the last update. The new way to brush off Astrid and how you can sort of make up on lunch is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping for.
It shouldn’t be too hard to deal with the parents thing if the MC was not living with them, that’s why I asked if the MC was college, school etc. For instance, the MC might have met the gorgon and Astrid on his way to first day college so no one has met him yet. If in school you can make it that the parents had to move away in the middle of the year and allowed the MC to stay to avoid changing school so close to graduation.
I agree that the mentioning the parents in the way to shopping seems out of place, I think it would fit better during lunch after the simulation and you could add Astrid commenting that the MCs parents must be freaking out to which the MC can just say something like “not yet bacause I’m not living with them” no need to get in details if you want to save the background options to chap. 3.The MC can take the question to Mr. Dawson after enrollment and be told that his is a special case and Nekora is dealing with the necessary bureaucracy and will call him when convenient.
I believe that I fixed the error for the next update. Thank you!
As for parents, I’m probably going to go the route of: scene to explain parent situation (involving Dawson or Pierce); scene to determine if this is something MC does/does not care about; if MC does/does not cares about parent problem, reminders at appropriate points in plot; possible scene involving MC’s parents and plot.
Thank you as always for your helpful feedback and suggestions!!!
Doesn’t have to be parents. Perhaps the protagonist has an adoptive guardian, godparent or no living parents and live with a sibling or aunt/uncle
We could also mention that the protagonist has a spouse before the academy, and they have a difficult choice of hiding from them, confiding them in secret or breaking it off.
Many ways to go about it since the protagonist’s age is not specified, could even say they live alone.
One of the reasons I’ve been reluctant to write too much about the parents/guardians/caretakers of the protagonist is because I really wanted MC to be a ‘blank slate’ character for the reader to create. If I were to write in depth about their family, I would either have to code dozens of possibilities or give less choice in the story, neither of which is too desirable to me.
Sorry if I implied MC was definitely living with two biological parents, that was not my intention
The spouse/partner idea would add a lot of angst to the story especially once MC learned more about magi/non-magi relations…
Living alone definitely works with the story! I’ll be writing that as one of the options for MC’s background selection in Chapter 3.
Thank you for all of your suggestions!
Update 11/27: small edits, bug fix, meet suitemates, conversation with roommate, part of background selection
“You weren’t on the original dorm list,” he comments.
The comma in the quotation marks seems odd since I’m the next one to talk.
“Astrid kidnapped me.”