Katewing: Blue Nightmares (WIP) Paused

[tmaty]

Hey, I have never beta tested before so I am not entirely sure how you prefer your feedback.

I was planning to deliver my suggestions in segments: Status screen, then chapter 0, following chapter 1, chapter 2, and so on.

For instance, status screen suggestions would look like this:

You. A pale girl in her teenage years with a thin athletic physique thanks to your training and being constantly on the move, coal dark hair, and eyes of a green so prominent you haven’t seen elsewhere. Would you consider yourself a monster? You can’t say for sure, but you certainly don’t feel like one despite what you may look like. You haven’t made many friends yet thanks to that, people fear you and thus they prefer for you to be far from them, and some make the effort to get rid of you in ways you don’t appreciate at all.
Besides that, you manage to survive and are quite used to hiding in plain sight, avoiding unwanted conflict.

He is both taller and older than you. Which you can see in the slight wrinkles on his face and how they deepen when he smiles at you. He is also, possibly the smartest person you know, though sometimes you both get into trouble, you wouldn’t be here if not for him and all the effort he makes to keep you alive. Similar to most people his tan is darker than yours. He usually has a clean shave, despite not taking much care of his looks as he has too many things to worry about with you on the drift around him.

Then this part I am assuming, it is a mistake that it is in the status screen

“Well look at you,” he says with a warm smile “You have grown a lot since you were a hairless white small bead with a tiny pair of dark wings,” he chuckles. “Have you been doing your exercises?”

“Oh yes, your stubbornness is an exact copy of your father’s,” he laughs and lets his gaze fall down. “Anyone who knew him would say that. I’m sure of it.” He takes a slow breath in and sighs. “Yes, I miss a lot of things from that time,” his eyes go up to you. “But I wouldn’t change the time we spent together,” he keeps his eyes locked on you. “You are the best I could’ve asked for. Your father would be as proud as I am.”

So would you prefer to test like that OR give a summary of what I think of all the chapters combined?

[Loudbeat]

@tmaty

Hey, I have never beta tested before so I am not entirely sure how you prefer your feedback.

I also don’t have much experience in beta testing, so whatever works best for you and you can convey the information it’ll work for me too.
The more you give me the more I’ll have to work with, but I wouldn’t want to force you into writing an essay on all chapters separately.

@tmaty

Then this part I am assuming, it is a mistake that it is in the status screen

That’s not a mistake. Each character has some dialogue lines that change slightly according to your relationship with them and other factors. I was trying to take a little bit of “show, don’t tell” to the stats screen, like getting a taste of their reaction if you bumped into them.

[tmaty]

@Loudbeat

That’s not a mistake. Each character has some dialogue lines that change slightly according to your relationship with them and other factors. I was trying to take a little bit of “show, don’t tell” to the stats screen, like getting a taste of their reaction if you bumped into them.

Okay, very interesting take. I would suggest adding something like “Most memorable conversation:” before the dialogue because it confused me at first.

[tmaty]

Hi, I only read the introduction so far. So here are some of the things that stood out:

Random words: “Hum…”
I think you should search “…” in order to find them.

Not sure if this is a mistake and you wanted to put “his” instead: holding the edge of your cloak for him to see. > TUGGING the edge of HIS cloak for him to see.
Only assuming it is a mistake because tugging his cloak to glance at you, seems to go a bit better……i think….

“We can’t allow us to get sloppy, you have to be patient.” > “We can’t allow OURSELVES to get sloppy, you have to be patient.”

That’s not good, you think, opening your eyes big but keeping your calmness. > That’s not good, you think, WIDENING your eyes but keeping your CALM.

Staying here will only make things worse for both. > Staying here will only make things worse for both OF YOU.

And found the intro to have had very nice heartfelt moments . Next I will read the next chapter.

[Loudbeat]

Okay, I see.

The one you’re playing is ChanceOfFire’s version. I had a similar problem before, I think it has to do with something about the text encoding, it usually happens when changing OS from Windows to Linux or something like that, I’m not sure, but I’ll see to fix it.

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@tmaty

Not sure if this is a mistake and you wanted to put “his” instead: holding the edge of your cloak for him to see. > TUGGING the edge of HIS cloak for him to see.
Only assuming it is a mistake because tugging his cloak to glance at you, seems to go a bit better……i think….

Hmm, no, that’s not a mistake, but I think I did it wrong nonetheless, cause the reader doesn’t know she has wings at that point, and she does that to say she wants to “go for a walk” but actually she implies she wants to go fly arounf, so that’s why “she holds the edges of the clock for him to see.”

Maybe I shouldn’t expect the reader to remember that part and make sense of it later…?

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Thanks for the corrections. I’ll need to make another complete rework paying more attention to that I think.

@tmaty

And found the intro to have had very nice heartfelt moments

Haha, that’s awesome to hear. Thanks

[Loudbeat]

Public Beta 3.0 Revision weird symbols are already fixed.

[tmaty]

@Loudbeat

The one you’re playing is ChanceOfFire’s version.

Oh, Okay. Is that the version we should be reading/playing OR??

@Loudbeat

Maybe I shouldn’t expect the reader to remember that part and make sense of it later…?

And I am still not that far ahead yet, so I don’t really know. However if it is a big reveal you can probably add, a bit more clues like: Having her look up at the sky and say “I want to go up”, then him replying “not now” or something along those lines.
But like I say I haven’t gotten to the reveal yet. So not sure how much sense that will make.

[Loudbeat]

@tmaty

Oh, Okay. Is that the version we should be reading/playing OR??

Well, there’s the
Full Public Beta 2.2 12/8/2024:
This is the full game version, the last release made by me.

And
Public Beta 3.0 Revision 18/8/2024:
This is the first 3 chapters reworked by ChanceOfFire, who knows better English and better writing than me

So you can try whichever you want. Mind you the reworked version is only 3 chapters long.

[Loudbeat]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone of the 213 clicks + 67 on the revised version would have anything to add, critique, suggest, or say about it.
It would be nice to know how far you had reached if you hadn’t completed it.
I’m trying to collect all the feedback I can before starting to modify things.

Thanks!

[ChanceOfFire]

@Loudbeat

Katewing’s Adventures is an interactive fiction game/novel where you play as Katewing, a girl with some peculiar traits trying to find her spot in the land of Bastion.

Advertising a fixed-mc in the description could have been a killer. Consider reading the descriptions for The Courting of Miss Bennet and Donor to see how to structure the description without mentioning a fixed mc. Both games were supposed to have a fixed mc too, as they were based on fixed characters in actual novels, but the writers figured out that customization would have helped their games much more.

But if you’re planning to submit soon, it is best that you consolidate all the feedback you have now.

Also, sorry, but I no longer have the time to do further line-editing as I have shifted my focus back to my projects. You will need to check with Hosted Games whether they are ok with the current level of writing.

Good luck.

[Loudbeat]

Thanks. I’ll take a look at that.

Yeah, the plan is to submit it as soon as possible, but I can’t ignore the feedback, so I have work to do still. Better to fix things while I still can.

No worries, you helped me a lot. Ideally, I should learn to write better, and that’s what I aim for.
You’ve given me a free 4 chapter rewrite that I can study and try to use to step up my writing, so I’m greatly thankful for all the help you’ve given me already.

Thanks and good luck with your project too!

[tmaty]

Reached chapter 2.1 (checkpoint)

The heat rises on your head, which is still covered with the cloak. > The heat grows uncomfortable, with the cloak over your head

I thought this tiny detail was just nice. You just forgot to add the word “you”:
he would have a hard time finding among the maze of shelves, in any case. > he would have a hard time finding YOU among the maze and shelves, in any case

You jump on the tips of your feet and try to squeeze your head between your shoulders. > I personally don’t think this is necessary, I think being startled describes this action. But that’s just me.

nothing from this day so far has liked you, and you bite your lips waiting to hear that everything would continue that way. > nothing today has gone your way, and you bite your lips waiting to hear that everything will be okay from now on.

Yes, I’ll be here before you realize it > Yes, I’ll be THERE before you realize it

A strange feeling runs around your head. > Strange feelings run through you.

he shows his drawing hand palm down, > he shows THE PALM OF HIS DRAWING HAND

Because you won’t even cause it tickles with that bow.> Because you won’t even tickle it, with your bow
He pricks up his finger pointing to your weapon. > He PICKS up his finger pointing to your weapon.
trip if you are concerned by your safety. > trip if you are concerned ABOUT your safety.

Everything seems to be wrong at this time. > Everything seems to be wrong THIS TIME.

Hehe (consider your options) I see and acknowledge what you did here:

[tmaty]

feedback so far:

When we meet Hal/Shy, can we have an option to not ask all the questions because with some questions we get called st*pid . So would be nice if we get an option to not ask all questions

[Loudbeat]

Thanks!

I’m currently working on reworking chapter 0 to make it… better in many ways. I’ve got really nice feedback from all of you + a coworker who wrecked me out, so I’m working to improve things as much as I can.

Thanks for all the things you pointed out, I’ll take note and fix them, that’s very useful.

@tmaty

can we have an option to not ask all the questions because with some questions we get called st*pid

That’s a consequence of being nervous and stressed haha. But I’ll see what I can do about that. As you might see in some points, silence is a valid answer.

[Loudbeat]

26/9/24 New upload, see changelog

Thanks for all the feedback to everyone who contributed!

[Loudbeat]

3/10/24 chapter 7 done.

[ChanceOfFire]

I played through the first few chapters again, but how are you doing the grammar rework?

I presume you are using Grammarly or some other assistive tool?

[Loudbeat]

Yes, I use Grammarly, and I try to rephrase sentences in a better way and organize paragraphs to convey the idea more clearly. Sometimes I delete unnecessary words, other times I remake the whole thing.

I guess I’m not doing a good job from what you’re saying…?

[ChanceOfFire]

Having played up to Chapter 7, I would say the writing is above acceptable. Or I might go back to thinking it is bad if I’m line editing it again. I tend to have a mental filter when playing games.

But for the first few chapters, there are some parts where I felt like, “Didn’t I correct this when I was line editing? Did you change it back?” I could be wrong, maybe?

I think this might be the first time I’ve left more than 10 comments on someone else’s WIP thread. Anyways, I think it’s readable, so why not finish the full thing, then ask for feedback again?

(@Eiwynn is advertising WIPs which need attention on the support threads. When you’re finished, reach out to her and tell her that you want your WIP to be featured. There are some folks who hang around there and are active in offering feedback. As a published author, I’ll say this- getting feedback here can be tough, but if you want the eyeballs, you can’t always wait for them to come to you. You need to fight for them.)

[Loudbeat]

@ChanceOfFire

Having played up to Chapter 7, I would say the writing is above acceptable.

Oookay, that’s incredibly pleasing to hear. I guess I did learn something after all

I still find things that I can’t believe how badly the idea was written, so yeah, I think I’ve progressed a little bit, but my writing still needs more work in several areas. Still, 300k+ words is a lot of work, and sometimes I guess I’m a little more tired so my effectiveness varies.

@ChanceOfFire

But for the first few chapters, there are some parts where I felt like, “Didn’t I correct this when I was line editing? Did you change it back?” I could be wrong, maybe?

Yes, some things I corrected over your correction, I didn’t change them back to the original though as far as I remember, I may have reworked over your correction, but I could have screwed it up nonetheless.

@ChanceOfFire

I think this might be the first time I’ve left more than 10 comments on someone else’s WIP thread. Anyways, I think it’s readable, so why not finish the full thing, then ask for feedback again?

I don’t know, is that good or bad?

Honestly, I think I might have been afraid of the feedback at first. But now I realize I love it. it’s the straightest path to learning things quickly. And you have helped me do that a lot.

I don’t know, I supposed showing I’m constantly working on it could be helpful to generate interest or something…?

@ChanceOfFire

(@Eiwynn is advertising WIPs which need attention on the support threads…

Okay. I’m trying to finish, but it isn’t going as fast as I would like to. I’ll do that for sure.

Thanks!