Need game Beta Testers, Email me at Joseph 1245 ca at yahoo dot ca
This fiction features sword fighting, social interactions, and some adventure within the world of Athlic. Fight dangerous foes, and train against allies, and it serves as a backstory to my next project,
Tamarak - Anna
Something that bothers me is the paragraphing. I’d rather not read through a block of text that goes from one idea to the next. Try to separate your ideas into their own paragraphs.
There are also some times where I feel like you don’t need the page_break. Like right after you get to the guild/school. There’s a page break right before a choice, even though its text continues from the page before. Actually, you get to a point where you use it after every paragraph, which is a bad habit.
Also, there’s no stats screen? It shows an error when I click it.
The pacing is really fast as well. One moment I’m playing with my brother and the next I’m going off to a warrior’s guild school thing.
And there are a lot of binary choices. That is, choices with only 2 options. Those work well in small amounts, but not when there are a lot of them. I think the usual is 3 options.
Alrighty. Well, nothing really wrong with the story. In fact, it’s quite interesting. Though I did say it’s a bit rushed. But as a trial run, this is pretty good story-wise.
I particularly like how you can have a job. Though I would’ve liked to see the magic school.
I feel the story is bit choppy and rushed, instead of flowing. And I’m confused as to why there isn’t a way to attend the mage school, unless it’s just not part of the beta and will later on be an option. I did enjoy reading it though and am eagerly anticipating more 
This was fun, even though I died. I’ve got a bit of a ramble here, but I did like the game. That being said…
Some things I’m noticing with the narrative:
You need to fill it out more. It took me awhile to get some sense that the setting was fantasy-medieval, and I didn’t really get a sense beyond that-- make your world more real as a setting. Characters need to be fleshed out more too, particularly before you make me make decisions on them.
For instance, the kid who shows up on the way to your school. I’m just presented with the option “Decide he’s your rival” without knowing anything about him or if he’d be a fun rival in the first place.
Give some setup for these decisions. Otherwise, it makes a lot of the choices a little arbitrary and takes some of the fun out of the story.
Still, it’s fun. A little too fast (pace yourself!), but you covered most of your bases, and the writing was decent. You had a few errors (“Congradulations” instead of “Congratulations”, “Cerfew” instead of “Curfew”, and when meeting people at the Warriors’ guild, you lose capitalization at the start of sentences, but I’ve seen worse in published things so).
For next time, too I’d consider keeping more text on a page. I’d rather read more than three lines before clicking “next”.
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