Keeping it short means that it is easy enough to take care *off
OK, now that I’ve had the time to play through it a few more times, some things I noticed (beyond my initial reaction of pure gushing):
when selecting latinx as a woman, the next screen should say Latina woman (currently says latino woman).
For the race selection, I think it would be nice to have a choice for ethnically ambiguous/mixed or “other.” I definitely know people who aren’t so easily identifiable in that sense, haha.
It looks like when selecting the default surname, it shows up as Becket in the text the first time but appears as Becker in the stats screen and later in conversation.
Also, out of curiosity, is there no way to avoid getting hurt during the infiltration scene when selecting the night-vision goggles? I guess they are objectively the wrong choice…?
BTW, if you’re looking for proofreaders I’d be happy to help! I enjoy being obsessive over that kind of thing, haha.
EDIT: found what looks like a small bug? i selected a black man as the puppet body, looks like cornrows and dreads are greyed out and unselectable but the sleek short bob is selectable? guessing that’s a bug since it’s the opposite of how the hair choice availability worked for the main character.
If you’re on the lookout for pronoun mistakes, I found one in the first Dr. Mortum conversation: (bolded emphasis mine)
“And it will work according to my specifications?” you ask, leaning forward a little. You would never admit it openly, but part of you is jealous of the way she can invest himself in something. It has been a long time since you felt that passionately about anything.
And in the second conversation with Mortum as a woman:
Give a man a gun and she thinks that she controls the situation.
Also, the part with the fleeing henchman Rosie/Boris uses they which I’m guessing is a placeholder?
Reunion scene with Ortega, them placeholder: For a brief moment you feel a sudden urge to give up. To tell them everything. To ask for help.
Can remeber where but iselected otegra as a woman but i think it was when i meet her at the dojo it refers to her as (him) at some point sorry
Ill play through again and find rxactly where
“I don’t have a ‘thing’”,
should be
“I don’t have a ‘thing’,”
This issue crops up a few times - commas and full stops should always be before the closing quote marks.
The main character’s race descriptions should be capitalised in some cases - ‘Middle Eastern’, ‘Asian’, ‘Arab’, etc.
Dr Mortum’s goodwill
In the stat screen, there’s an ‘s’ missing:
“That is my business, and you know it” Your smile reveals nothing, and you sip your drink for good measure. she doesn’t need to know that story.
While speaking to the doctor, the pronoun should be capitalised where necessary by using $!{doctor’s_gender} or whatever you named the variable. Also, there’s a fullstop missing.
“Four weeks from now, and it will be ready for testing. If you deliver what you have promised in time” Your frown must have registered, because she quickly continues “It is impossible to get done sooner. On my honor.”
A few more fullstops missing.
Time to give them a call
Another missing fullstop.
Or so the story went
And another.
You know very well the futility of trying to sneak up on the old monster, most likely the fire-wielding re-gene is immune to the plasma which is why he is still standing.
Looks like a run-on to me, I’d suggest you split this into two sentences by replacing the comma with a fullstop, and maybe putting a comma after ‘plasma’.
It is aimed at you
Them pesky fullstops.
That’s not an age for the Enhanced, in many cases the augmentations and drugs coursing through our system keep us younger and fitter than is fair.
Two things: run-on, and first person. Change the comma to a fullstop and split the sentences, and change the tense - it’s a bit odd when everything else is second person.
Having not played this before, I can’t say how it’s changed, but I am impressed. It’s an interesting concept, and your take on it is very interesting. I’m looking forward to more.
This game is really skyrocketing, I can’t wait for more.
1 Like
I noticed when I picked green eyes the game completely skipped the ethnicity question, so I played as an “average unknown woman…” 
I have had no problems with picking the other eye colors.
First of all, thank you to everybody who has pointed out the mistakes and hickups, you are saving my future proofreader so much time! That being said…
AUGH english language and your weird capitalizations. We do it completely different in swedish…
Second of all, thank you again for the ice comments!
Now to run and write on the next chapter…
I really enjoyed the read so far! Great main character, interesting complications, and a suspenseful story with just the right amount of back-story here and there to keep the perspective from getting stale. Looking forward to the finish!
2 Likes
Well, the new update is good, and although the new character creation , in my opinion, needlessly long, I still don’t mind.
But damn.
Ortega’s already enough of a wrench in my plans while I’m in my original body, now I’m gonna have to keep her from knowing what I do in my spare body too?
Dammit.
Also, do you have any plans to add a save system?
We do it completely different in swedish..
Second of all, thank you again for the ice comments!
Oh come on. 
Wow. This game really makes me feel right as the mc
Good to see that this game is still being worked on, for a moment I was afraid you would quit. I really like the new chapter, Ortega’s route is starting to be rather interesting. I laughed a lot during the dojo scene, if it where real it would be so awkward. Like ‘hey I just met you this morning but now I’m in someone else’s body pretending to be anyone but myself’ xD.
I’m wondering though, will any of the Ranger superheroes be a love interest? I secretly want to romance Argent. Would be fun to have a ‘connection’ with her when you search her mind.
I also found some errors with the him/ her pronouns while having the characters set to female. I’ll list them here as well, I hope it helps.
And, unlike many others in his business, she showers, dresses smartly and takes you seriously, even though you suspect she wants to crawl into bed with you.
You take a moment to sip your drink, and his eyes follow from hand to lips. Sucker.
Just tell her that it is none of her business and hope we won’t get mad and decide to pull the trigger?
Shouldn’t that be ‘she’?
She’s a man used to outthink any problem, and here she is, confronted with a set of events that she could not predict.
The good doctor might be curious enough about the applications of your idea to work for less than his normal rates, but expertize doesn’t come for free.
These are with Ortega in the dojo (Aikido)
You lock eyes with Ortega, hands on hips, meeting his challenge.
You used to taunt her for that back in the day, but she claimed that he needed a good quality mechanical watch, because anything else just died on her.
“Yasmin” you reply, squeezing his hand as hard as you can in a vain attempt to impress.
These are with Ortega at the memorial (jogging)
“I’m not sure.” Ortega looks along the wall, shaking his head.
You used to taunt her for that back in the day, but she claimed that he needed a good quality mechanical watch, because anything else just died on her.
And during the Ortega scene while boxing.
You used to taunt her for that back in the day, but she claimed that he needed a good quality mechanical watch, because anything else just died on her.
As a last thingy I found this part and it mentions the same sentence twice in a short time, perhaps you can change it into something similar but different?
You’re already running late, and while being early speaks of being too eager, being too late is just rude. "You know how it is."
“Your boss running you ragged again?” Rosie chuckles a little and takes a swig of beer.
"You know how it is." Your shrug is near imperceptible, as a norm, your excuse to be here is that you are working for someone else
I hope this post isn’t too long lol.
Please keep up the good work, I’m enoying your story so far and am looking foward to the next update
2 Likes
Second of all, thank you again for the ice comments!
Snow problem. I think this game is really cool. In fact, I think it deserves a cold medal. I agree with @Claymore above, the new “ice to meet you” scene between Yasmin and Ortega was well-done and entertaining — a real winter in my book. (I chose to give them the cold shoulder.) My favorite part, though, has to be the well-drawn psychology of the perspective character. When I last played, this past Sundae, I went with the “good” path, and found their inability to see their self-imposed Fortress of Solitude positively chilling.
Keep up the good work and stay frosty!
2 Likes
So I’ve been screwing around with the choices and found that you can be ‘comfortable’ in your puppet if it’s of the opposite gender, so I’m wondering: is that going anywhere? 
@dashingdon Thank you so much! Now I just have to get there…
@Jaxx I am also one for short character creation stages, but one of the big things people wanted from the last version was a more intricate way to craft their character. Hmm, maybe one one way would be to add a standard look, just like I added a standard name in case people did’t want to come up with one of their own.
@CaesarCzech You should see me in chat, I am literally the most horrible speller you can imagine. And I am an author. Who types with three fingers…
@Hellfire I am glad! That is what I a aiming for.
@Claymore Life is just hectic, so it will take a while, this is far too fun to abandon. I am enjoying this just as much as you guys seem to. And yes, Lady Argent is planned as a love interest eventually. And thanks for the pronouns! There is always more… always, always…
@Chwoka And now you got ‘ice ice baby’ stuck in my head…
1 Like
found bug, if you choose to be woman with green eyes, it just skips race selection.
“But most are like Joes, discrete and quiet, unwilling to draw attention to what goes on inside” I think you might have meant discreet? sorry if I’ve got that wrong.
1 Like
Great work and may the writing continues smoothly for you. I only have one question out of all the powers why telepathy?
Because it always fascinated me in the way that it calls into question even your own identity. Everything else is straightforward, this can give rise to a lot more complications, moral and otherwise.
And I am all about complications.