I know that you’re a bit uncertain about the amount of details given about the setting of the story, but honestly I think it’s amazing! It shows that you’ve really thought out an original world and know everything about it to the bone! The descriptions and details definitely help with the immersion. As for the pacing it’s quite alright for now since it’s still part of the beginning, and that there’s so much for the reader to learn about still. But that’s just me though
Pretty much; I haven’t read the encyclopaedia entries yet, but there was enough in the prose that I got everything.
Other than the aforementioned species choice? No problems.
I’d say one is fine, and preferably late in the story but you probably shouldn’t have more than that. If they’re more dream-related than other enemies, that can work.
A few typos and notes:
Click here.
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Is this supposed to be a paragraph break (it happens during the test)? Generally, this would be represented by three asterisks “* * *”, which may be written as an asterism (⁂) if you’re feeling fancy.
he still hasn’t cut his hair, thick hair that’s now long enough to cover his neck and his ears, his bangs that are even getting in the way of his eyes.
The first “he” should be capitalised. You can do this by writing $!{heshe} instead of ${heshe}.
“Where do you think your going little pigs?”
Should be “you’re”.
I notice that you switch back and forth between “smart” apostrophes and quotation marks (i.e. “these”) and straight ones (“”). Neither is incorrect, but you should stick to only one style.
You feel Aquila grab you by your arm to try and pull you away once they realize the officers are here for you, but it’s too late.
A surviving ungendered pronoun for Aquila.
your last memory is the world turning upside down, and the feeling up be lifted up.
Should be: “of being”.
In the short time of the moon, you can see light shining from where the wings begin.
I think I get what you’re saying here, but it could probably be phrased better.
Still getting the unisex bathroom… So now, it looks like you’ve got *if not (gender = "Male") or (gender = "Female"), but you set the gender to “male” or “female”… Additionally, I think there should be another pair of parentheses around everything the not applies to, so the line should look like: *if not ((gender = "male") or (gender = "female"))
Your dorm has outside hallways but fortunately, there are ramadas over your building
So, apparently, a ramada is a free-standing roof? This isn’t something I’ve come across before, and it seems to be a pretty localised term.
In the small space of the shower you end up hitting your hand on the metal knob, it hurts for second but you can already feel the bruise forming just below your knuckles.
Hey all, turns out I’m a lying liar! Who woulda thunk it? (I said the next time I reply it shall be news of the rewrite for MC races but alas…)
Jokes aside, I haven’t actually been able to sit down and work on the WiP the last week, with getting packed and ready and moving my college’s dorms this weekend. Classes don’t start until Thursday, so I have that bit of time in between and the first week is usually slow so I also have that. But, of course, when things start to get getting updates will be a lot slower and eventually I won’t be able to update until December with finals and all that. I hope to at least finish any and all edits and rewrites for the prologue as well as more on chapter 0 before things get slow, but we’ll see…
@ParrotWatcher Reply
Mistake on my part, there is only one that breaks the fourth wall, and it is dream related… sort of.
So, I realized recently that I am not really utilizing the dreams to their full potential, by that I mean that there is so much more I can do with them than what I’m currently doing. Which means, I’m going to go back and rewrite the two dream sequences, and future dream sequences to actually be what they are.
Not sure if I’m explaining this right but to explain the dreams in the simplest terms without much of a spoiler (really isn’t a spoiler, since the MC will learn this soon) the dreams are glimpses into the future.
Now to explain the dreams in more detail with a bit of a spoiler…
Dream explanation
The dreams are actually parallel dimensions that are bleeding into the dimension that the MC is in.
In Fables, there are infinite amounts of dimensions all of which can be extremely similar or extremely different. I.E. In two dimensions, they may be exactly alike, except in one of them a single person decided to wear red shoes instead of blue shoes one day. Otherwise, they are the same. There are also dimensions where Fables takes place in the wild west…
TIme works differently in each of these dimensions, it’s fluid and unpredictable with no set timeline.
So, the dimensions that the MC sees bleed through their dreams are ones that are almost the exact same save for one difference. (A butterfly flapped its wings twice instead of once etc. etc.)
As for why the MC is having these dreams is a big spoiler I can’t yet reveal.
Another thing, I’ve decided to remove the plot armor from another character because I felt that there was no need for it since the story can still go on without them… (It’s not an RO)
On the topic of character deaths, there are a few side characters that can die by the MC’s actions, (Not random fodder, ones that actually have names and stories to them.) but it will be clear when these choices come up.
Also, I want to get this out of the way… in the second part of Fables a lot of character’s plot armor will be taken away, including ROs, but their deaths can all be avoided (Not with stat checks, just good old plain choices) and there will be no choices where you have to choose between two characters. Part 3, everyone is fair game and the same rule above applies.
Why? Because a lot of bad things happen that affect a lot of people, and it wouldn’t make sense for everyone to magically survive it all without some effort on the MC’s part.
Note: Stat checks will never play a part in major choices, they are there for fights and flavor text. Same with the MC’s personality.
By golly, this reply is a doozy! I may not have been able to properly work on the WiP, but I have been doodling and to lighten up the mood from all that character death here are the different colors of the MC’s wolfion that you get at the end of chapter 0.
I really like this picture only because you can see my gradual descent into laziness with each recolor. I mean, I didn’t even color the last one and now claim it to be the all white color variation.
Okay, that’s all for now, sorry I don’t have much of anything new… I didn’t expect to get this busy with moving, but I do promise in somewhere in my next few replies it will definitely be something of an actual update to the game. Also, apologies if I didn’t explain things right in the text above, I’m typing this on 3 1/2 hours of sleep and I have a shortcoming in explaining things… (I’ll probably look at this in the morning and see a whole lotta mistakes, oh well.)
Thanks for giving us a mini-update about what’s been going on! With school starting and such it makes sense that updates would be slower. I guess that means we all need to be a little more patient, that’s okay though quality over quantity!
So now, it looks like you’ve got 
Additionally, I think there should be another pair of parentheses around everything the 
