I get that you’re going for different perspectives, but as “What is emotion” characters go?" he’s (at least in my opinion for the record, and I realize you can choose gender I’m just using “He” and all other connotations for argument’s sake) too emotionless. Perhaps something could be established to show how he is different?
Like for example pinning a trained soldier in such a way that it contradicts what he’s capable of.
He sneaks up on the character you initially control in such a way that it surprises said character for not being able to sense his presence.
Don’t have a third sorry.
Next, this again my opinion… but I feel as though the opening where your already kicking down doors could have been done better. You don’t really learn why these soldiers are there until someone mentions pirates. It makes it look as though you expect the readers to already know who they’re dealing with. If you wish to be simple perhaps summarize the fact that this is a raid on a pirate base right of the bat. Or if you feel like taking the time write a short briefing scene as to what’s about to go down.
The transition between scenes feels a bit rushed.
There’s also the typical grammar issues, however this game does have me intrigued both plot and by showing the perspectives of other characters
I agree with you on those points, but for the others I agree with
Don’t underestimate what the MC is physically capable of. For as far as I’m aware of there’s not a single individual in this world who would be able to beat him/her in a fair fight, not to mention in a non fair fight. Killing someone is something the MC would do with ease, but only when ordered to.
Just realized that the last is probably a major spoiler
Ehm… See chapter 3 (which isn’t done at this time)
These are all some really nice suggestions, but neither of them seems to ehm… grasp the soul of the game? Don’t really know how to put it. Maybe some added content will get the inspiration flowing again It’ll still take a few more days though. Oh, and I might throw in chapter 3 as an added bonus. Maybe.
I won’t object if you feel like tossing us a bonus. Not much any way…
Yeah, I don’t really know the story yet, so any names are of course shots in the dark (empty void of space). But, they say, in space no one can hear your ice cream or something. No, never made sense to me either…
Update: Impossible deadlines really work, so chapter 2 is now added.
Let’s hope the link still works.
I didn’t have time to run through everything manually, so there are probably still huge chunks of text floating around there. If you see one please make a screen-shot and post it here. It’ll make finding it in the code a lot easier. (chapter 2 ended up being almost 9 k words, so it’s a bit difficult finding stuff)
Still have to fix some stuff in chapter 1. Oh, and this far only doc’s got a last name.
Chapter 3 should be a lot less work, so I hope to have that up tomorrow.