Was playing through the game(awesome world building) and I’ve been really curious about the other dragon stables. Will there be opportunities to learn more about them?
Thank you, I think the coolest thing about fantasy and sci-fi is the world building aspect. But yes, to a point, most of it I believe is just random talk and you meeting riders from different stables.
Frogs
813
I played it now and it seems pretty interesting.
There are a few mistakes I found (like writing to instead of too a few times)
Also will there be races where you have to swim? I didn’t see any swimming so far
I’ve played it through a few times. It looks very interesting, but I wish you didn’t have to start out as a butt monkey. I mean, is there no option for you to actually win the race?
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Ugh of course there are, that’s one of my big grammar issues smh. After I’m done I’ll go in and try to make sure they’re all correct. Also yea, the entire race is not swimming but there’s areas that involve it. Though if you really do want swimming then going down the path of Capture the Key, might be better.
@anon49824592 Hahaha, no. 
Most you can get is an achievement that congratulates you for staying in first place the entire race.
gia
816
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One thing, you might want to add the option to be non-binary.
With Shader, I think so. I’ve always imagined him to be the type to create a crush on his own, even if the MC doesn’t flirt with him or anything. After a while, he probably does develop a full on crush with you but just doesn’t say anything and if you never do kiss him, never says anything until the crush wears off.
But I would like to know more about what you want when it comes to RO development. I felt when rereading it that it was kinda rushed, so I’d like to hear your take.
@ScatteredA Because I am almost done with the story and the fact that I don’t want to offend anyone with that because I’m still studying up on how to do that correctly, I think I’m just going to keep that option out.
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gia
819
For sure :~)! I don’t know if you rmb, but you let me beta test the game @ one point (the point after the last update) and this is smth I noticed then, too, but I don’t remember if I pointed it out. For me, the greatest issue is the lack of MC introspection, MC doesn’t really give a lot of thought to their feelings for their respective RO outside of any interactions they might have with them. It doesn’t come across, to us, as the reader tht they might have a crush and so any options to do smth like kiss them seem rushed and a little underwhelming, YFM? Like, it needs to be pre-established that MC has feelings for said character; you can handle tht whatever way you’d like I.E Shader/Cassius/Nyx and MC hang out, and MC’s thinking afterwards and if they’ve met all the conditions to romance them up until tht point, you get the option of selecting ‘I think I like them’ and every interaction you have with them after tht’s been established should take tht into account, like say they ask MC to grab lunch or smth (because the feelings are mutual, and there should be flavour text to denote this depending on the RO! say if Shader’s the one asking, we know his feelings for the MC probably make him scared+uncomfortable+anxious so his demeanour should reflect tht, his body language is guarded because he’s prepped for rejection, you can tell he’s trying his hardest to keep his voice level etc etc! and this should be before the confession, because it’s buildup, it’s establishing interest, it’s making yourself vulnerable to rejection but without having put yourself all the way out there as you might with again, a kiss) and @ tht point it’s more of a date without committing to an established relationship with the character and there should be at least 2 of these, beforehand + you can add more flavour text to general interactions with them as well. What tht does is give depth to the romance, you know? It makes things feel organic, and the romances have body, and breadth. Things need to build up to the point of a confession, so it doesn’t fall flat, is wht I’m saying. Particularly for a RO like Shader, who might need multiple expressions of interest beyond flirting to build up the confidence to do smth like ask MC to hang out alone, or maybe tht’s just smth he can’t do, and MC needs to ask, which could vary depending upon the RO. We just need more character interaction, in a sense.
- when you kiss, there’s an option with Shader to say ‘I don’t know’ and one with Nyx to establish tht she’s just a fling. MC should think abt their intentions beforehand, as well. Like maybe before the proposed lunch date or wht have you (the lunch thing is just a placeholder!).
If I’m not being very clear, we could PM one another as well if you’d like me to read a scene or smth like tht :~) Otherwise, I can try elaborating or playing the whole game again.
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No, you’re good. I understand everything you pointed out and agree with fully. After reading this I did indeed realize that I never allow the MC to just stop and think about their feelings and I’m pretty sure that if I add some scenes in before the chapter that let’s you decide what to do, it’ll be slowed down and what not. As well as allowing me to flesh out the characters a bit more.
Yea, this definitely helped thank you. I’ll probably add two new chapters for this. Thank you so much.
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gia
821
I’m glad I could help (~: With COG, so many romances fall short of wht they could have been because they’re treated as an afterthought and that disrupts immersion IMO. LMK if you ever need scene tailored feedback, I love to edit 
!
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Hmm. I really feel like that makes the game less escapist and thereby less enjoyable. If I wanted to experience life as a butt monkey, I’d live out my own life instead of playing a game. 
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the conflict with your rival–all good stories need some conflict. But stuffing the protagonist into an environment where their parents hate them and nobody takes them seriously and they get no rewards for making good choices just makes the game stressful, not fun.
I really enjoy the variety of dragons on offer, though. And the writing can’t be faulted; the villains are a pleasure to hate.
What made you think the parents hate you? And the only part of this story that seems against you (though I’m the writer so I most definitely see it differently of course), is you indeed having to be a stable hand to move forward. But all choices have consequences, good or bad throughout this story.
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The parental environment is far from nurturing after the father’s illness. And it’s not simply a matter of being a stablehand. First you enter into the contest, where either your rival or Nyx (or both) suggest that you’re completely incompetent; then you lose even if you’ve made the best possible tactical choices (so there’s no real choice there); then, while you’re hacking it as a stablehand, Shader and your rival and his patron periodically show up to rub it in. All things considered, pretty much all of the story is against you, except for the fact that you don’t have to beg, borrow or buy your own dragon. >_>
Well that is just the demo, and can you tell me where Nyx implies that you’re incompetent?
Also, look at it however you want for we all have different views on certain things, but I wrote the mother with the idea of her being both stressed out and scared and not knowing what to do, so she is just taking it out on you. Not meaning she is a bad person or she sucks at parenting, for we are all humans and this behavior happens. If you see her as a bad mother, then that’s totally fine to.
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Jacic
826
I think it’s a matter of personal preference. I read the demo quite some time ago but tbh I think it works. Not having everything given to you at the start of the story on a silver platter can make a story more engaging, not less. I find if everything goes my way the whole story, with nothing really bad and no failures, it can start to get into Mary Sue territory of the writer isn’t careful. And the parent thing, if nothing else you’ll see that a bit in lots of fairy tales. The rags to riches so to speak. I seem to remember the father being supportive though anyway unless that’s changed? You’ve also got to take into account the amount of writing. The story for if you win the first race would be a completely different one and probably double the word count.
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Again, I don’t want everything to be given to my character on a silver platter. Stressed family falling apart? Fair enough; I can see that happening. A rival who uses his connections to mock you at every opportunity? Part of life; that seems fair. But it’s the inability to win the race, in spite of your best choices, that really gets me.
Making a ‘win’ path would add some more writing, I agree. However, with some modifications (say, having your rival use his pull to degrade you to stablehand even if you officially win), it might not be too involved; the only difference would be that Shader wouldn’t be making snarky comments about you at every turn.
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Jacic
828
That’d actually annoy me more because I’d be thinking, hey I won, why can’t I apply to one of the other training places if they want the other guy since they’re taking the top three or something, or complain to the organisers. Being blindsided by a so and so within the rules I can accept as happening. You did everything right, but sometimes crap happens. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong and you have people recognise that from the outset. It’s a bit of and underdog story where you have to prove yourself, rather than one where you’re already the best with everyone knowing it. (Even if you were downgraded after the fact. You’d still be able to have that comeback that you won and have nothing more to prove to anything anyone threw at you).
And I’m pretty sure shadar would find some other reason to be snarky. Probably something to do with you being the newbie. Just the kind of person he is 
Again personal preference I suspect, no right or wrong way of doing it. I’ll leave it with toxicdreams
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Sneaks
829
It’s not about having everything handed to you. It’s about being able to succeed. Having the odds stacked against you can be a good thing because it makes your triumph all the sweeter if you win. But if winning is impossible then what’s the point? What else about the experience is rewarding?
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Actually having you win would change the story up a lot. Since your winning will effect Saren’s role in the story and he would no longer be going to the Red Marauders cos of how they were choosing racers. That and Shader would still have snarky comments lol, he thinks you won when you first meet him and he still attempts to puts you down for it.
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