Hello, everyone.
I’ve been having something that’s a bit like an existential writer’s crisis. After discovering the CoG style guide, I realize Dominion still doesn’t fit CoG style. And, moreso, I genuinely don’t know how to repair it. So I’ve been floundering this month, really struggling with myself not knowing what the correct thing to do is.
A part of me is horrified that I’m strongly considering abandoning this project as a contest entry, to try working on something that actually fits all the CoG guidelines, but I’m genuinely thinking that if I want to really compete in the contest I need to. Even though it hurts me, my pride as an author, because I think this is a wonderful story. It’s just… the idea I chose here, I chose before learning everything about what CoG wants. And I -cannot- make Dominion fit that, much as I’d like to. Things like only 400 words or so between choices, or generally 15 words for choices. Things I would have been watching for in the first place if I had known about them.
What torments me is that I do believe this would be a wonderful game and story. Just, not a game/story that fits the guidelines, even though I had thought I was following the guidelines. : ( Sadly, the guidelines of two of three documents. I am thankful that the contest guidelines now have more robust information than it did starting off. So I’m really trying to work with myself to see if I can make something that works well with the CoG format, rather than something which would need to be ironed out. I’m tormented because abandoning a project feels like letting down everyone following it. The tenacious part of me that still has pride as a writer wants to still try entering the contest. Finishing a project in time. And right now, I’m experimenting to see if I can do that.
I’m saying it again, because it warrants saying- Monsters is not dead, and won’t ever die. But I still feel like, -if I can-, I should work towards the goal of creating something I really believe could win the contest. And… I’m forcing myself to admit, no matter how wonderful Dominion might be, I have doubts about it being able to win, because of formatting. :\
I think I may need to hold my writing close to myself for a while, at least- at least if I make successful progress on a new contest entry. If I don’t, what I risk is floundering or chasing my tail, figuratively, stressing myself out too much or worse, giving up. I wish I could explain how hard it is for me to admit I messed up, that I can’t make this work as it is… and that I can’t just make Dominion fit, change it to make it work. I mean that what I’d need to do would be too much. That I think it would be smoother to simply work with a more compatible idea.
I feel the weight of a collective disappointment. Which is lighter than the weight of a collective apathy, at least. I feel a pain of ‘but I thought I was doing fine’, and discovering, on scrutiny, otherwise. Starting something over, something new, is harder than starting something late. And I’m struggling to deal with that, and come to terms with the decision I think is best, even though it feels… still like a shitty decision… What I remind myself of, is that if I wasn’t competing seriously in this contest, to win, I’d be writing Monsters instead. So I should be writing something I think could win… or Monsters. What Dominion is, is what I think of as a good, exciting story… that because it wasn’t created with the CoG style formatting in mind, wouldn’t win, on technical elements. And the only thing I think feels right is to try again to succeed at that, because that was the goal for which I started writing Dominion.
And if I can’t- if I give it a real, genuine shot knowing all I know now, and still just can’t- I should be writing Monsters. But first, I’m going to try- have another go, and see if I can make something that is right for the contest, in all ways, rather than just many.
:\ I really, truly hope you, dearest audience, my readers, understand. I feel responsible towards you, and need you more than I can comfortably express. The thought of disappointing you makes me feel disappointed with myself. So… I hope you bear with me. There’s not much I can truly give by way of details right now on my current plan. Just that I’m trying to start over with something new and need to construct a new plan, something for me to work on.
Monsters takes precedence- but if I work on a new project, that takes first precedence.
After all that work too… Um, virtual hugs? 
