Does anyone know any funny medieval jokes?


#1

In the sequel to Trial of the Demon Hunter, you’re visiting a hotel but the bouncer won’t allow your boggart to come with you because they have a policy: “animals aren’t allowed.” Obviously, you now need to find a way to get your boggart inside. One of the choices is to charm the bouncer by telling him a hilarious joke. However, I’m horrible at jokes, and I’m stumped. Does anyone know any good medieval jokes? Even better, can anyone create one of their own? Preferably, I’d like the jokes to be somewhat long. Thanks in advance!


#2

Not original, but maybe these can help.

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner onenight. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest “weapon”. Thefirst knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon… he pulled down hispants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered… thewomen swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played appropriatemusic. Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pantsand tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered… thewomen swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band playedappropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove their superiority… the King finally spoke out.“I have the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon dothrose. The crowds cheered… the women swooned… the children waved multi-colored banners… and the band played “God Save the Queen.”


Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject, Sir Lancelot.
“Lancelot, noble knight,” said Arthur, “within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you.”
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king’s blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. “What is amiss, my friend?” asked the king.
“My lord,” gasped Lancelot, “you have given me the wrong key!”


Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with
voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for
his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was also the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the
Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer
to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder
and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon
being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch,
and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon
Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. He pronounced
himself loyal and ready for *any* task the king set him to. Horatio
the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for
the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the
next several hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s
voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon
Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his
chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding
his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that
Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King,
with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the
same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately
summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer


#3

@fantom
Thanks :)!


#4

I love the last one XD


#5

Yeah that last one is pretty clever xD


#6

@fantom
I’ve decided to use the second joke in Trial, Error and Death. Thanks!


#7

@Samuel_H_Young
IIRC, there’s a somewhat more raunchy version of that joke, I could try to recount that, unless you’re planning on keeping it more family friendly.


#8

@Cataphrak
I’ll most likely use the milder version but who knows? I’d like to hear it.


#9

Alright:

So, King Arthur’s called away to the frontier to negotiate with the Saxons, but there’s one problem: He’s going to be gone for a month, and he knows that leaving Guinevere back home would be a very bad idea, seeing as just about every single knight in Camelot’s been making eyes at her for a long time. While the Queen might be able to resist for a time, Arthur doubts his Queen can hold off for a whole month. However, these negotiations are too important to be held off, and he needs to leave the next day.

So, Arthur goes to Merlin with this problem, and the old wizard assures the king that he’ll have a solution by morning.

The next day, Arthur returns, and Merlin presents him with a chastity belt, completely made of steel, but with a large hole in the most obvious place.

“Merlin, my friend,” Arthur protests. “Thy device cannot protect my Queen’s virtue thus!”

The crafty old wizard shakes his head and smiles. He pulls out an old wand, one he’d been planning to throw away for a while. He sticks the wand into the hole in the belt aaaaand-

*snip*

A steel blade slices the wand in two. The king is pleased with Merlin’s device, and goes off to his negotiations knowing that any knight persuasive or forceful enough to try to soil Guinevere’s virtue will be in for a nasty surprise.

The negotiations go quite well, and Arthur comes back from the frontier a month later. Strangely enough, many of his knights seem to be walking strangely, as if they had been wounded between the legs. Arthur quickly assembles his knights in the courtyard, and orders them all to strip from the waist down.

Needless to say, almost all of the knights were, shall we say, “carrying shattered lances”, and though disappointed in the behaviour of his knights, he knew that Merlin’s device had worked perfectly.

He did, however have one other consolation: his greatest champion, Sir Lancelot, had presented equipment which was entirely unharmed. Gratified that at least one of his knights had restrained himself, Arthur offered Lancelot a single boon: all the knight had to do was name it, and if it was in the King’s power, Arthur would grant it. However, despite Arthur’s prodding, the young knight could not answer.

You see, for some odd reason, Lancelot was missing his tongue…


#10

@Cataphrak
Hehehehe. I might actually use this version. Thanks!