It’s like study abroad, only with more blood-drained corpses.
Blood and Mist is my first attempt at writing a game using ChoiceScript. In it you play a college sophomore on a study abroad trip to Romania. Ostensibly the goal is to reach some hereto unstudied Saxon ruins in the region, but a number of things don’t add up. Including that most of the students (including possibly yourself) are not anthropology majors. You get the feeling that the bears and lynxes endemic to the region are the least of your worries. Can you survive? Will you even want to?
Currently, it’s about 33% finished at around 10,000 words. The plan is to update at least 5,000 words a week.
As this is my first attempt at a project like this, I’m all ears for feedback, especially with pacing. Also, the story is meant to have a gothic-horror vibe. I’m looking to creep you out, not disgust you.
Length wise, my goal is around 30,000 words. I’m aiming at the short end so I can use this as learning experience for a longer project, but still finish a complete game.
UPDATE 5/26/17: I posted a new version of the demo (same link) that should correct most of the typos.
It seems pretty good especially as seeing that this is your first project.
I didn’t see Tarrel’s relationship stat although we have the relationship stats of the rest of the members. Is that intentional or is that due to a bug?
So far so good, I’m really liking it. The cliffhanger definitely leaves me wanting more, now I’m super super curious to see where this story goes and I’m looking forward to seeing what’s in store for us!
Just wanted to pop in and say how much I loved this! Only read once so far, but I devoured every word, it was awesome. I’m already fond of the characters, the writing style is inviting and the premise really interests me. Thanks for a great read!
So, I chose to pack my tent at once, and the story implies I’ve done that, but when Elizabeth shows up, it says I haven’t…
Checking Romania’s gun laws, I find that they’re pretty tough; I haven’t read the actual law, but I don’t imagine that anyone (especially a foreign national) would just be allowed to take a pistol around in case of bear attack. Also, pistols against bears? I understand that that’s far more likely to just get it angry than to kill it.
“Hard to say exactly,” he murmers, “It could certaintly be at least that old, given that it’s been buried the whole time. But if I had to guess… I’d say the age is closer to 120 years.”
I’m not an archaeologist, but this (120 as opposed to 100) seems a little too specific for me. I guess this could be foreshadowing, but it seems an odd thing for him to say, even so. (Also, “murmurs” and “certainly” are misspelled.)
I also noted a few other typos around the place (for example Vanessa is misspelt as Venessa in an early page), but I’m afraid I didn’t make a note of them all.
Otherwise it looks like a pretty good start; good luck.
Like what I see so far! Though I wouldn’t mind having more character descriptions, but that is a personal preference. I like how you have the descriptions in the stats.
@Tuhin_Subhra_Maity Yah, it’s a bug, Tarrel’s stat should show up once you meet him.
@NorWal I’m glad you like it. I am somewhat proud of that cliffhanger
@Phoenix_Wolf If it helps, I’m not a fan of UT either.
@Sleepyowl I put more effort into the characters than I normally do, I’m glad it’s paying off.
@ParrotWatcher
Maybe your tent set itself back up, did that occur to you?.. I don’t buy that either, I’ll get it fixed.
I hadn’t thought to check Romania’s gun laws, you make a good point. *Spoilerish? Morteson would have a gun even if it was illegal, I need to find a way to get that in the story. And yes, pistols against bears are a bad idea, I should lampshade that too. You’re also right that 100 vs 120 is waaay too specific for just eyeballing it. I’ll see if I can lampshade that better too.
@Summerbones Thanks for the feedback, I’ll keep that in mind when I do the next round of edits.
After you pack up your tent:
“Your stomach announces the next order of business with a strangled gurlge.”
I’m sure you meant “gurgle”.
A few pages later (2 I think?)
Tarrel shrugs, Curiosity. Not too many streams like this where I’m from out in west Texas. Hell, not too much water at all. So, when I smelled running water this morning I followed my nose. Wasn’t anything else going on, most of you were still snoozing."
No opening quotation mark after the shrug.
The WIP is interesting and the cliffhanger I see what you did there. is 2spooky4me.
A couple thoughts:
The stats screen could be organized better. It feels a bit cluttered, and could benefit with space for dividers between the stats and relationships. Also, what’s “efervesence” and how come it’s a number in the middle of the screen? Seems a little out of place with thw other stats.
Is there any basis for Saxon ruins in the Romanian wilderness, or is this just more of a speculative fiction piece? The only reference I can find for Saxons in the area are ethnic Germans who moved there in the 12th century, but the Saxon culture was long dead by then.
Maybe you can have Morteson be the ultra-paranoid type who smuggles a gun with him wherever he goes, regardless of the consequences? 'Tis a thought. I’m not sure about the age piece for the skull.
@FutbolDude21586 Thanks for find those typos. And for the kind words. I like kind words.
@Seraphinite The original demo ended after right before you find the ruined wagon. Sounds like it was a really good thing I decided to include the cliffhanger in it
@RagEgniteDoing? Doing what? I’m not doing anything. There are absolutely no references to a popular gothic work here…I agree about the stats screen. I’m probably going to rebuild that from the ground up. As far as Saxon ruins go, the Romania Wikipedia page suggests there are some, but I didn’t research any farther than that. As for Morteson, he’s has been meant to be ultra-paranoid from the get-go, the question is how best to show it without slowing the story down. I’ll figure something out, I’m not worried.
A rifle might work better here; it’s more likely to kill a bear, and (ironically) it would probably raise fewer questions than a handgun across most of Europe, at least in the countryside (although it would be harder to smuggle in).
Maybe an overly large hunting knife? It still looks like something a practical guy would carry around but still has some threat to it the way a pistol does
@Xanzorath - If you do decide to go with a hand-gun be sure it is a higher powered modern gun such as a .44 magnum and even with these powerful guns a bear is awfully dangerous. Even a .357 magnum isn’t strong enough to ensure what you shoot goes down when you are talking bears.
I like the story concept a lot, and the pacing seems like a good start!
Something you might find useful moving forward is resources on the preservation of human remains left to the mercy of the environment - that’s the kind of thing where a little bit of reading can save you from immersion-breaking mistakes that people with some expertise will notice.
Also, you’re going to want to enlist a grammar editor (and/or just run the draft through a standard spelling/grammar check before you go into beta), as there are already a lot of them, and hoping your betas will catch them all is dicey.
Here are the errors I found in my one run-through of the demo:
Intro page: “taunt” should be “taut”; in the choice list, “Vanessa” is misspelled as “Venessa”
2nd page: “begs the question” should be “raises the question” (“begging the question” is often misused like this; it refers to a type of logical fallacy)
3rd page: “Sargent” should be “sergeant” (multiple instances)
Further in:
“Look, I’m not interested in answering anymore of your questions. Why don’t you go play interview somewhere else?” --> any more
“Very well, oh Asker of Questions.” --> O Asker of Questions (the form of address isn’t the same thing as the world “oh”)
“aways that way” --> a ways
barest smidge --> smidgen (“smidge” is slang and might be fine to have a character say, but doesn’t belong in your narration)
Ok, so I came across this after I made the choice to tell the professor that I enjoy his class. He approached my MC after I had her put her tent away immediately, and then I chose to say that I enjoyed his class, and then this appeared… just thought I’d bring it to your attention, @Xanzorath.
Gig 'em, Aggies!
