First, my disclaimer. I’m here because I was asked to have a look at the thread. There’s a reason I’ve not been on the forum lately, and part of it’s I’m having huge issues with my social skills. So please don’t be offended by anything I say, or if I phrase things wrong. My attention span’s shot to pieces, I’m just lacking in tact and providing any sort of feedback is a huge struggle. But I was asked so I’m taking a little look. (Yeah and I currently have no filter as to appropriateness so sorry if all that was TMI).
You’re in need of a spellcheck. Actually, I think you’re in need of an editor, or just some reworking of it.
I guessed it was a dream.
I’m not clicking with your writing style. I’m not finding it evocative. If anything I’m finding the opposite of Shell_San, that I’m not really feeling any emotional stir, just rather detached. I was told I feel fear, but I didn’t feel it. That might be my own current mood though. I’m not very good at writing description either, and I dislike second person because I find it does create that distance and it’s really difficult to work around it.
I woke up before my alarm then why’s it saying I’m late for work?
The car crash is described in a dream-like state. It feels as if I should actually have a chance to interact with it, but there it is, sandwiched in the middle and the choice provided afte isn’t immediate.
These questions, I don’t like the, It’s chargen, but I’d rather it were part of the story. I’d rather be shown than told. Provided a chance to be brave (or not), to be nice or selfish, and all of that. Seeing the numbers broke the immersion for me. I’d rather just be told it in words. Like, I’m a compassionate person who puts others needs before my own, I’m a coward, and I have a proper respect for the law. Or whatever.
In the Callen section. There’s some inconsistency in regards to the choices, there’s a huge page of text which I can’t react to, then there’s a tiny snippet which I have a lot of choices, which don’t seem all that important. Also help the injured girl, or walk away, seems like too black and white a choice. Can we offer to help her in exchange for her help? Can we accuse her of being a monster in disguise? I think you could edit the section, put some of the info dump into the answer to her questions. Or start immediately with her asking for help. It needs some reworking.
I’m also asking myself what’s the hook? At the moment I’m not hooked. Person from our world travelling to a fantasy world? Or just a bad dream? Or what? I think starting with a dream is actually doing things a disservice. You’ve a better hook there, a better place to begin.
Little girl, hurt, injured, needs help. And you lost without a clue as to where you are. You could also weave in the compassion question there, and it actually has impact.
Start there. Then when we flash back, or forward, or whatever to the other world it will come as a surprise that this isn’t a fantasy game after all and there’s something more going on.
Anyway just some thoughts. My attention span has gone and I can’t focus anymore on progressing further. Sorry. I may have a look later and try and write some feedback that makes sense…