Aryllia [WIP... Kinda?]

Yo, people of CoG. So, here’s the deal. I’ve been messing about with choicescript since I had some free time today and… I ended up getting confused and spending way too much time on it while downing unhealthy amounts of coffee.

Anywhooo - I ended up figuring out a tiny bit of it and made an incredibly short little… thing. Most of it is comprised of dumb placeholder dialogue for ‘character creation’, and once I actually start the story it only lasts a couple (yep, two) choices until I hit a roadblock.

I figure I’ll continue playing around with choicescript and if anyone has any ideas for a story we can kind of make some sort of strange community franken-story from everyone’s ideas… if I’m up to it. I’m no writer, as shall be plainly visible. :stuck_out_tongue:

I originally intended for it to have something to do with magic but I dunno, I never even got up to any magic happening… and it just feels plain generic. I’m open to ideas and criticism. I actually had more fun learning how to use choicescript than actually writing stuff. :stuck_out_tongue:

TL;DR: Click the link and then complain about me wasting 30 seconds of your time. :smiley:

Here it is.


This was very entertaining :slight_smile:

At first I thought it was just a casual fun game, and then suddenly I was immersed into a well described scenario. I urge you to continue this game and the quirkiness of this game is definitely appealing.

Even though there were some grammatical errors, I still enjoyed it. I hope you continue playing around with choice script and I don’t know what you’re talking about because you’re a great writer!

I also would like to encourage you to continue, while it is a sampling of a story. I did find it humorous.

Since there is no plot I will refrain from commenting on the story. Nonetheless, I would rather enjoy seeing it develop as your writing is very enjoyable.

ohh. i rather like this story already. continue! as for ideas… uhhmm… idk, tell us a little more! like where your going with the entire school thing, and if thats gonna have any place in the story, or if the town or anyone in it is currently important to the plot, and any other little detail u wanna tell us :3

I enjoyed the customization process, particularly the witty narration. Very funny.

Thanks for sharing, @Nao. I’m glad you’re developing your Choicescript skills. Hope you write more. I don’t really have any suggestions to offer yet.

i like it even with the sarcastic sexist commentaries , i wanna poison my sister so annoying i put her the name of Emma, could i give her a poisonous soup? XD

A distinctive approach, I must say. I would certainly like to see more of it.

More, dangit!

I could stand spending a bit more time in the school. For some reason, it reminds me of Elsword or something similar.

Keep the narrator, too. You can do some fun things with it.

While there isn’t much to comment on at the moment, I have to say that I really enjoyed it while it lasted and I’d love to see it continued.

As for a suggestion, you could write about the MC’s childhood and use that for the character creation.

I liked it and I think you could make this into a really enjoyable game

Thanks for your comments! I’m a bit surprised to see some of you actually liked those strange narrator bits at the start, since I wrote those in a coffee-induced stupor. I suppose I’ll keep them up, if you don’t mind. They’re pretty easy to write since they’re just my ramblings. :stuck_out_tongue:

@zolo999 I intended for something bad to happen to the place, as per the cliché Doomed Hometown trope… But I don’t know anymore. :stuck_out_tongue:

@MaraJade Y-You wanna poison her? B-But, she’s your little sister! Well, I guess as long as the poison isn’t lethal I could fit something in… What made you find her annoying though? I tried to make her lovable! xD

@FalconXCII Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll probably add some stuff that’ll give a choice for personality too… I’m thinking 3 personality types. Callous, calm or comic. Alliteration, hurrah!

I think the thing I need to focus on right now is actually setting up a plot of some sort… oh, and some sort of relationship bar with the sister so you can yell at each other or something, if I decide to keep her around… so yeah, I’ll do that. >.<

I also liked the sardonic narrator at the start, it reminded me of some text adventures, where the parser get all snippy at you. That could be a nice touch to keep!

There doesn’t have to be some sort of epic story, in my opinion. I liked the way you set the scenes, sucking the reader in with literally a couple of paragraphs. I think a low key, simple story could be alot of fun to read, told in the dry, sarcastic voice of the jaded narrator.

@Nao You must be new in the forum, lol. I am the poison assassin,well known to ask in any wip, Could i be charming and evil?

The thing i more hate in a wip is being obliged to carry a crying useless meatbag in my bag also known little sister or brother. I want have a smelly yelling creature to care and i have suposedly love, nope. I role play evil characters,lol. Not where is my lil sister stupid doll. Break my inmersion and make me skip all scene they appear or just stop read all gamebook.

So i want get rid my sister maybe not kill her or sell her but why not make her enter in a far away mage school or promise her with someone transform her in a kitty… or just a choice do you have a family Nope, im horfan.

That way noone dies .

@Nao trust me she asks on every one hell most of the time @MaraJade gets her way too

@Ausar hates me :(( Why? poor poisoner

I love your game!! It was cool, I could be the kid that gets into fights all the time and be rude to the headmaster but when my sister insults him .I be like ,I’m the only one allowed to insult him u will not be a hooligan! P.s. I love my little sis she is so cute<3

Hah I realy like this, it’s a lot more “happy” than I am use to. It isn’t disney happy (which makes me want to poke someone’s eyes out just to balance the amount of sugary sweetness that spews out of those) it’s a good level of those good feels (sad that I have a feeling it won’t last long… I see darkness round the corner xD)

It has a lot more fleshing out to do but it is only the begining so I would expect as much. I don’t get the elements but I bet it will become aparent later.

Looking forward to more

P.S Thank you for wasting a minute of my time (good waste, like I’m sure I wouldn’t have been doing anything productive in that time anyway… except making a sandwhich… You cost me a sandwhich!)

I love the humor and seeming depth in the story so far, and this is just a small excerpt! Please expand on this! I’ll be sure to keep tabs on it!

It’s looks good from the brief excerpt we were given.

I’d like to see more of this.