Arceus: Awakening (WIP) [56K words] [Update 17/2/2024]

Hosted Games Works In Progress
1

The following statements do not reflect the views of Arceus International

Play as a hitman with little who could match them besides life itself, as you try to navigate office politics, cope with the paradigm shift brought on by the agency which seeks more consistent performances and most of all live a normal life with the most undecidedly normal career. Did I mention you may have pissed off one of the more powerful criminal syndicates?

Well, it is finally ready…ish…

Welcome one and all to Arceus: Awakening.

Given I made the ingenious choice to learn CS, and write 56k words within the span of… checks papers 17 days give or take, my creative juices are extremely fried so do please bear with me in this post.

The ROs (Spoilers)

Juni/Juno Jorgensen, A relatively new addition to the agency and the face of your sudden shift in routine, with a chill outlook on life and a hesitant entry to the assassination business, you better watch your conduct or you may find yourself suddenly lacking in key amenities.

Riley Payne, The somewhat unhinged but similarly skilled agent also working for Arceus, with a disregard for human life and a brute-force attitude to all her problems, she is certainly a pain to deal with, yet maybe her rampant flirtations will finally settle on one target.

Isabelle Monet, Text-book airhead with little to no concept of anxiety and a go with the flow mentality to rule them all, Oh and your next door neighbor who you had never seen before.

Florence Labelle, If baked goods could kill, he’d be a mass murderer, but thankfully his complete aversion to violence means that you should only worry about how much money you have in your wallet, looking for a perfect man to compliment his business and maybe finally relax. Although with his strict moral compass, that is easier said than done.

I am really looking for any and all types of feedback, I really wanted to stop and see what y’all think before I make any progress, I’d rather learn and rework this bit than trail off and have an entire novel to rework, of course the feedback includes the post itself, because I am not that good at making topics…

Either or. I hope you enjoy it and have a wonderful week!

Play it here!

Update 17/2/2024:

  • Tried to reduce run on sentences as much as can be, assuming I got the definition right. Should be a more clear experience now!

  • Fixed an error that skipped every gun related fight scene if you did not take a specific route. (how did this get past me :o)

  • Polished it up a little more. So there should be less repeated words and variables that are not properly bracketed.

With this done, I shall start working on the three day rest period leading up to the handler test. No idea when it should be done, but ideally before the end of this month.

139 Likes
2

The first thing that really jumps out at me is the amount of commas and tendency for run on sentences. Heed not their siren song, for it shall lead you astray. When possible, break thoughts into smaller ideas, and play with sentence length and punctuation to alter pacing.
Consider reviewing rules on when and where to use quotation marks. Remember, you can use italics for thoughts and block quotes for text.
Consider also expanding your proofreading routine. It helps to have another person look over things, to read your writing aloud to yourself, and/or to proofread in a different font and color than you write.
Overall, I enjoyed what you have already written. You seem to have a solid grasp of story thus far, just need to clean up the writing itself a bit.
Also, just note that the title may attract Pokémon fans who may be disappointed to find out that this is not about Pokemon.

15 Likes
3

You write well and it looks like an engaging story so far. I’d definitely like to see more.

Good range of choices/ reactions so far in every situation, gives the reader a feeling of some self-expression while keeping the story on track.

Most of my criticisms echo those made by Bryce: it’s fine to use two sentences instead of one long run-on sentence, even if you do break them up well with commas. You’re right, this IS a good time to re-read your story and fix the small mistakes (you’re using sulk twice where I think you mean skulk, for example) before it becomes a mammoth task. Given how fast you’ve banged this out it’s natural that there are some errors and things that could be tidied up.

tldr: Bryce’s suggestions are spot on. Internalise those before you write more, it’ll save you loads of re-writing later on if you start following their advice right now. Not sure you need to worry about the Pokemon thing though :slight_smile: .

4 Likes
4

I chose the option that MC is not interested in romance at all, but in the further part the demo, this:

Screenshot_20240215-100653_1
Screenshot_20240215-100653_11080×1000 130 KB

3 Likes
5

Ooh, I like it. As someone who loves mature action literature, I’ve waited for the game like this. We were spies already, and now finally we are hitmans.
As commentators above, I agree that it would be better to cut some sentences and make the text “lighter”.

Grabbing a picture of his body for confirmation as you stop momentarily to decide between whether you should use portrait or landscape mode

That’s a neat detail, I love it.

Good luck!

3 Likes
6

That’s weird. It shouldn’t have given you the options in the first place. I’ll fix that up.

[Edit:] Found the issue, it is now working as intended!

Ah the bane of my existence, punctuation and formatting. I know the first portion is rougher as I was learning as I go and experimenting but hopefully I figure out how to reduce those.

Atleast the actual writing itself is nice so that’s good.

I’ll get to polishing it up later today, and probably also figure out what a run-on sentence is…

Thanks for the feedback!

6 Likes
7

It looks interesting, mate!! However, as said above, a few of the sentences are too long. : )

Try to break it up a bit like this:
A black sedan, like a sleek jaguar, prowls into the twilight with only the gentle whir of its engine, disturbing the tranquility. Its tinted windows reflect the fading embers of the sunset, obscuring your gaze behind a shroud of polished elegance. The buttery aroma of the leather seats whispers of indulgence, a sharp contrast to the grim task at hand.

Huston’s opulence paints itself across the passing scenery - an enticing glimpse into a world you only occasionally inhabit. Verdant, ancient oaks stand sentinel along the avenue, their gnarled branches draped with Spanish moss like silent ghosts. Glimmering storefronts, promising unattainable luxury, blur into a mirage of color and light. It’s a spectacle, you acknowledge, one that holds a hypnotic lure for the ambitious and the dispossessed alike.

With a sigh, you tear your gaze from the window. Focus is imperative. Reaching into the storage compartment, your fingers graze the manila folder. The garish ‘Burn After Reading’ warning serves as both an instruction and a metaphor for the ephemeral nature of life in this world of shadows.

With a practiced flick, you release the clasp. The photograph of Knott Luckie stares back at you - a face hardened by ambition, eyes the color of cold winter skies. His slicked-back hair crackles with an artificial sheen; it’s a desperate bid to maintain order in a world where fortunes rise and fall in the blink of an eye. His birthmark and diamond-shaped jawline stand out as unique identifiers amidst the calculated blandness of his curated image.

His biography plays out like a morality tale: born into wealth, seduced by power upon finding a wife whose hunger matched his own. The words ‘cutthroat’ and ‘pragmatic’ dance around his rise in the pharmaceutical industry, chilling euphemisms for the lives and careers he shattered in his climb. You hold no judgment; these games of the powerful are far above your pay grade. Your concern lies solely with the bounty the ‘wronged’ party offers - a clean kill, generous pay, and minimal risk. Your professionalism will ensure it remains that way.

“Two minutes out.” The driver’s voice intrudes into your thoughts, his reflection meeting your eyes in the rear-view mirror. With practiced nonchalance, you light your cigarette, watching the folder vanish in a dance of flame and ash. No use dwelling on the details.

And then, there it is – the sprawling estate rising ahead, a beacon of arrogance and affluence. Cars gleam beneath the growing darkness – sleek beasts from rival stables. The grand wrought-iron gates loom with theatrical intimidation, and you analyze them with detachment. A statement piece, designed for show, not true security. A vulnerable entry point – one of many ways into the lion’s den.

Best of luck!!

5 Likes
8

Man, that was a good read, I’ll see if I can look through it and adjust my writing accordingly to make better sentence structures.

4 Likes
9

Looks good! :heart:

1 Like
10

Hi

I haven’t read your story yet but there is only 1 ro male ?

Soon i read that because your story is interesting !

1 Like
11

As of the current small outline I have. Theres 1 set male RO, And 1 gender chosen RO, Florence and Juno/Juni respectively. There is another one planned but they’re still being outlined so I don’t have a full concept of them yet.

3 Likes
12

Sounds interesting I’ll play it now

1 Like
13

I really enjoyed the story so far. Yes, there are some run on sentences, but nothing so bad as to detract from the story. To be honest, the only thing that irritated me was once we got home, the choices we were given in our daily wear clothing. They all were sort of atrocious. In my mind, my characters go to would have been jeans and a button down shirt, or khakis and a polo. As an assassin, I wouldn’t one my appearance to stand out too much. But, overall, really enjoyed your story.

1 Like
14

I did go for intentionally flashy over normal or sensible clothes. Mostly because I find it more notable and fun to work with, But I can add a more casual look standard option.

15

You do 't need to change anything. I understand your reasoning on this. I probably, subconciously, needed to find something to comment on in an otherwise excellent story.

3 Likes
16

Please let me know if there is any other issues present, or if I have severely misunderstood what a run on sentence is and basically didn’t help at all.

In the mean time, here’s a poll!

Which home did you like the most?

  • Tech Home
  • Cute Home
  • Cozy Home
  • Minimalistic Home
0 voters

Which outfit did you like the most?

  • Goth Style
  • Edgy Style
  • Punk Style
  • Streetwear Style
  • Cute Style
  • Formal Style
0 voters
5 Likes
17

Heya!! Heads up, The save slots are bad.

Also noticed here; it used she even though it’s a man

The man who opened the door says as he notices you standing there, blinking a little before pushing past you and going to the bathroom “O-Oh, uhm, uh… Sorry, t-thought it wasn’t occupied” he’d say before she opens the toilet seat.

Lastly for feedback, idk if it’s just me, but the way you suddenly start explaining the way the character does something with ‘would’ throws it off. I don’t recall seeing it, until after we met Juni. Again, maybe it’s just me, but

“Juni would look at the stage…”,
“Juni would tilt her head…”

instead of just “Juni did this or that” turned me off a little lol.

–
Now outside of the things above, I loved this. I like the options we get, I enjoy the premise and it all around was a great start. We need more assassin IFs!! So seeing this made my day lol. :smile:

Oh one more thing, after you choose to take a shot, It repeats that scene again and you have to choose it again.

2 Likes
18

Hello, immediately after clicking on the link to play I encountered a bad slot error. If it’s a common problem and I’m not the only one that has it, I’ll keep playing without the save slots till it hopefully gets fixed in the future. Don’t worry, I’m still happy to try it out, just thought maybe that’s something I have to report before immersing myself into the game. So far I like the premise.

1 Like
19

Aw crap. I forgot to re-enable save slots. My bad. I’ll enable em now.

Mmmm. That’s kind of an issue I have with my writing in general, style sometimes switching depending on day. I’ll try and polish it further and remove some unnecessary "would"s

Probably forgot the variable, will fix in a hot minute.

2 Likes
20

I mean if that’s how you write do that!! Whatever works for you. All writers have their way of writing that is best for them. Anyways, Like I said, it may definitely just be me bothered by it. It wasn’t enough to ruin the story. I honestly think that maybe it’s just the inconsistency of it that is throwing me off- Had it been consistent from the beginning I probably wouldn’t have even noticed. :sweat_smile:

Also, I was wondering… is the drinking scene at headquarters dependent upon if we already drank at our targets event?? or Is that a mistake?

I’m playing, again, and noticed- this time I didn’t have the option to grab the bottle of whiskey and throw the bottle at J.

I love the variations i’m seeing so far.

1 Like