Well everyone, here it is. My very first demo. I hope you enjoy. Special thanks to Cataphrak for helping me all weekend on this project. Keep in my this is my very first try at writing a COG so please don’t kill me. I will accept all criticism fairly, as long as you don’t attempt to rip my head off. Take Flight and fight against the USSR and her Allies
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/49716174/Temporary%20Folder/dfabulich-choicescript-e14aa48/web/mygame/index.html
Hey, Congrats on posting your first game. I understand it’s bare bones so lets go over the mistakes. I really hope you don’t mind me pointing out grammar and spelling mistakes.
Edit 1: I just realised you could include the fullstop in Mrs.Kay but you need to put a space between them, so it looks like Mrs. Kay. Personal preference on whether you include it or not, I’ll leave that to you.
United States Airforce should be United States Air Force. (USAF).
United Kingdoms Royal Airforce should be United Kingdom’s Royal Air Force. (It’s where they get the name RAF from, Royal Air Force).
Luftwaffa should be spelled Luftwaffe.
You father served in the USAF
Should be Your.
RAF for many years as a pilot. He was one of the best
Missing a full stop.
served in the Luftwaffa
Luftwaffe.
"All right everyone,"said Mrs.Kay should be “All right everyone,” said Mrs Kay
Need to move the " from said and remove the . betweent Mrs ad Kay.
your new six grade teacher, time to take your tests.
There’s no quotation marks to signal the beginning of dialogue.
Don’t forget to right your full name.
Should be write not right.
Please begin.“You look down. Needs to be: Please begin.” You look down.
Got to remember that spacing.
(All right then) when choosing custom name.
Needs a full stop.
picked, but all well.
Should that be Ahh, well?
Alright jezz. Should be: Alright jeez.
Close on that one.
Theory of Relativte should be Theory of Relativity.
Got all the scientist’s names correct though.
Question 3:Stacy has five eggs
Need that space between : and Stacy again.
with Seven of those eggs
Seven shouldn’t be capitalised.
True or False- The power house of a cell is the Mitochondria
Should add a space between False and - so it looks like:
True or False - The power
True or False- Our solar system
Again, need a space. Hehe, space, solar system. Get it? Yeah, that was a bad one.
Mrs.Kay " All should be: Mrs Kay "All
Could remove the full stop between Mrs.Kay and need to lost the space between " and All.
“All right Amelia you…” could be “All right Amelia, you…”
Could use a comma.
As you walk out you can see could be: As you walk out, you can see
Could use a comma.
the other other side of the base.
Should get rid of one of the others.
those massive steel birds someone bumps could be: those massive steel birds, someone bumps
Could use a comma.
turn around you see could be: turn around, you see
Could use a comma.
a tatered red tea shirt
Is tatered a word? Or did you mean tattered?
Response: It’s all rigth. I was just
Should be right, right? Two rights, does that make a left?
Multiple options for the next part, where you introduce yourself, look up at the sky or ask where he is going. I’ll go through each part, so first, where you introduce yourself.
the jets. " Oh man!, those are should be: the jets. "Oh man! Those are
Lose the space between " and Oh and get rid of the comma and capitalise those.
F-16 Fighting Falcon
Should probably include an S so it becomes Falcons, getting a sense of more than one from the scene.
Its the one
Need an apostrophe. It’s.
He look at the F-16’s with pride
Should be looked “He looked at them with pride.” And drop the apostrophe “F-16s.”
play with my airplanes!" Eleven years later:
Asking a question with enthusiasm, so maybe it could be “play with my airplanes?!” Yeah, I’m not too sure on this rule. Eleven years later could use an extra line so it looks:
play with my airplanes!"
Eleven years later:
Next part comes from the respose: “Nothing, just the sky.”
the big guy
Capital T, start of a new sentence.
genuinely seems confuesd could be: seems genuinely confuesd
confuesd is spelt confused.
Dude I am just could be Dude, I am just
Comma.
“Oh, haha thats kind of funny” should be: “Oh, haha, that’s kind of funny.”
Comma, Apostrophe and Full Stop.
you can tell he still dosen’t get it.
Captial Y and dosen’t is spelt doesn’t
Wow those are could be: Wow, those are
Comma.
I don’t have any friends so I like to read about airplanes could be I don’t have any friends, so I like to read about airplanes
Comma.
He look at the F-16’s with pride.
Should be looked “He looked at them with pride.” And drop the apostrophe “F-16s.”
“Hey, want to come over to my house and play with my airplanes!” Eleven years later:
See above on how to possibly change this.
Third part is: “Where are you running to?”
"Oh, um I was going could be "Oh, um, I was going
Comma.
“Really you do” should be “Really, you do?”
Sounds like a question.
title was written in a beautiful Golden writting could be: title was written in a beautiful golden script.
I think it would be better to drop the second writing, replace it with a synonym. Golden shouldn’t be capitalised.
It read "The History of Modern Avionics.“Wow, this book is beautiful.” you say in awe. Should be:
It reads, “The History of Modern Avionics.” “Wow, this book is beautiful,” You say in awe.
Comma, Needs a second quotation mark, comma instead of a full stop for continuing the sentence and capital Y for continuing the sentence.
“Hey, do you want to come read it with me!”
See above on possible changes.
Eleven years later:
See above on possible changes.
Right, that’s all I’m posting is this part, I’ve look ahead and I see many more… Good thing I’ve got time.
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There are a lot of typos and grammar errors.
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It would be much more readable if there was a blank line before and after everyone’s dialogue lines.
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Please, remove the sentences that describe the Aquila Squadron as badasses and amazing. They are really out of place. Instead, show us in a game scene they are amazing and badasses instead of simply stating it with one out-of-place sentence.
Other than that, it looks like it’s going to be very good once it’s done. I really enjoyed it.
^ What he said. I’ll continue looking for typos.
Right, the next part starts after those three choices.
completed High school
School needs to be capitalised.
into Officer school
Again, School needs to be capitalised.
How did you do…
Sounds like a question, include a question mark at the end?
but i could have done worse
Capital I
I cant believe that
Apostrophe: Can’t.
First option: I was amazing.
flag or races you were could be flag or races, you were
Comma.
new found fame you and Alexander could be new found fame, you and Alexander
Comma.
Sorry, I gotta dash. I’ve already spent an hour on this and I’ve got school work to do.
Wow, I feel like an idiot looking at all the errors. I really appreciate the help. I hadn’t realized that I made all those errors
@Taiho, thank you for the in depth analysis of the grammar mistakes. I really do appreciate the help. I had not seen them before that.
@DSeg, Thank you. I will put in line breaks in my next upload.
A lot of grammar mistakes but a really cool story. Just a question after taking the test what’s the highest base intelligence you can have?
@Beezlebub: Your max intelligence can be 40% after taking the test. I thought that would be a good number since your only in 6th grade when you take the test.
Sounds good.
Reminds me of the ace combat games. Great action bad dialog. However this has some nice promise the whole ww3 Cold War nightmare scenario thing is cool. But you need to seriously go back and reformat and edit the beginning as it felt rushed and frankly Alex could use some character development as he feels kinda flat but that could change later on in the story. Overall good premise but freshmen level writing and a rushed feeling is holding it back. The good side, you can fix this easily with some time and planning this thing out good luck.
Maybe it just me but couldn’t help think of the film top gun when playing this. It a good game though and enjoyed playing it ^:)^
@Andy31 maybe it is because he included the callsigns “Iceman” and “Maverick”.
Hello everyone. Just wanted to give you an update on Aquila flight. So far I have fixed my grammar errors and have completely changed the first chapter. Just wanted to let everyone know that it hasn’t died yet. Just hitting a lot of speed bumps.
Just wondering, what is preventing a nuclear war in this scenario?
at the end, on the last sentence it says yo, it is missing a u
@hahaha01357 Currently the only reason NATO and the USSR have not just nuked each other because they both fear the others arsenal might be larger.
@Azraeldrake9 Thanks, I missed that one.
But larger arsenals won’t really play into the equation once they have enough to wipe the other country off the face of the Earth. Also, out of curiosity, what year is this set in?
@hahaha01375 Yes, but if NATO or to USSR were to launch a nuclear strike than the other faction would launch their arsenal. It would be point less because then you end up with Fallout 3.
The year is around late 1970 early 1980.
This wip reminds me a bit of Ace Combat 4 skys of thunder on the ps2 . I think thats what the game was called lols any ways I do like it so far 