(God, what is wrong with me, I’m supposed to be writing.)
Rick can angrily ask why the MC seems to hate being a ‘cursed blood’, but he opened himself up to quite the counter blow by stating “what’s wrong with being a cursed blood like us?”
My MC would likely say “How is being a human killing blood sucker ‘like you’? Like any of you! You have the choice to not hurt someone, I might not have that same luxury.”
Which is true since none of them specifically require consuming the blood of someone else to survive. Everyone living has to eat, but the context becomes a little different when the MC has to contemplate what would amount to ‘cannibalism’ by having to eat human blood not long after being human themself.
The little changes throughout were definitely nice improvements.
The scene where the MC is being force-fed the blood to turn them still has the original text about the hair color being black.
Glad to see the return of the original surname, though! I liked it, and was a little put out when it was changed to just a text entry field for a little while there. The short lists of name options were a nice change.
Choices changes in the beginning. Some new choices in the latest paragraphs and depending on which path you choose, about an extra 1000 words.
Glad you liked it!
I’m thinking of making the argument a bit more interactive so I would definitely add this if necessary
Tried the more ‘willing’ path, and I have to say the interactions there are definitely more lighthearted, but that may be because no one is having to drag the MC back into shelter.
One thing about it that stuck out, though, is the flavor text where a more willing MC is suddenly okay with the “drinking blood” part of their transformation, and that’s something that a player choosing the willing path should still decide if they’re okay with, or not. Just a detail that should probably be adjusted later.
Thanks for the feedback!
And sorry but I can’t seem to find that point? Can you tell me more specifically what surrounds it? As my plans for making a to drink or not to drink choice is later on.
Oh, okay lemme skim through to where I saw it…
The underlined part isn't outright stating the MC will be consuming blood, but it doesn't imply an aversion to the idea either, which could be contradictory to some reader's background thoughts on what they'll want to do next.
It’s at times like these being able to save scum to get to specific passages of text more quickly would be nice. Any plans to play around with the save plugin?
I have started the game since it looks interesting, but I had bugs that prevent me from playing - as in, I really can’t continue with that happening if I want my MC to be in-character, so I’d rather report that before finishing!
By the beginning of chapter 1:
“You were not a soothsayer or anything mystical like that. Still, as a former student of Unknown Academy”
There’s a coding error with the name of the academy, and it says “Unknown” instead of the proper name. I had selected Salutem Primum Academy, btw.
That one is not a big issue, it’s the next one.
When the MC is captured:
Selecting “You do not want to antagonise them. Just stay quiet and hope and opportunity will present itself.” leads to MC swearing at their father, which shouldn’t be the case, and I can’t even back up from that. It’s because in the code, that choice doesn’t go to any label, so the game just continues on with the first text it encounters, and it’s the swear selection part. Furthermore, since there is no additional goto and label, it goes from the swear segment to the fishing for information scene after that. Basically, I went through both of these things while I didn’t want any.
I want a very calm MC, and I’m not necessarily planning for a cunning one, so yeah, I need the issue to be fixed before I can continue playing
I’ll give proper feedback later, since I didn’t have time to see much of the story.
Thank you for the feedback and it’s fixed! It’ll be working in the new update which is coming soon.
More Words - 6000-ish
I was looking for this thread in the Hosted and WIP section of the topic view to reread an older post, but now I see why I couldn’t find it there. I am tracking this thread, but without new posts to bring it forward, it wouldn’t show up in the activity feed at the bottom of the page as easily as other threads suggested because of the category I was in.
This one might get a bit more responses/reader activity if it had the right category tag listing it as a WIP, too.
I do admit it’s splitting hairs to be worrying about this. @moderators
I find the premise and plot intriguing. My main concern is that a lot of the time you’ve tried to pack too much into a short amount of text. Some times it gets confusing to follow whats happening or new information gets dropped in or interesting tidbits are glossed over. This has potential to be a real gem; don’t be afraid to expand.
Also there’s areas where she/he are being mixed up. Probably programming issue, but a common one
@EddieSeb this is a great story. Very interesting, quite emotional too. Although i know this book is still a wip. I found way too many spelling, typo and punctuation errors. Not only that be where there should be female pronouns there are male pronouns instead.
I was hoping there to be a scene where the MC would either cry in pain or pass out from ingesting the blood…
Anywho keep up the good work.
Thanks for the help!
I agree with what you said but on the other hand I want to get the information out as quick as I can so that I don’t bore the readers with thousands of words of exposition. I’ll probably try to flesh it out a bit more though!
And yes, they are programming issues cause it seems I missed some brackets…
Glad you liked it!
And I’m working on editing, even though right now it is somewhat limited.
I get what you mean. I happen to like exposition over brevity too, so take this comment with a pinch of salt. The important aspect is to make sure important info is understandable. If you want to reduce exposition, it may worth editing to remove information that isnt currently vital to the plot.
Fixed Code Spellings
Even though you can chose the option to defy fate it still seems this Eve has forced you to help others whether you like it or not. Can you still remain selfish later in the game and even try to bite the dust if you want?