[WIP] La Cosa Tua – Chapter One Demo

[Lisa_Fox]

Hello Everyone! I’m so pleased to announce the La Cosa Tua demo is now live!

An offer you can’t refuse. A family obligation. The chance of a lifetime. Call it whatever you will…you’re in the Mafia now.

You always imagined your return to Manhattan would be for some family obligation or another, and fate has proven you right because today you find yourself back home for your father’s funeral. A high-level member of the Cantrella Crime Family, your dad was gunned down on the streets of Hell’s Kitchen, his own turf, and left for dead.

The NYPD isn’t all that concerned with finding the motive behind your father’s murder, but unfortunately for you, Special Agent J. Day of the FBI is. And while you may not be at the top of the agent’s suspect list, you are a person of interest and will be watched.

There’s also Luca Bonaccorso to contend with. The underboss of the rival Bonaccorso Family, Luca was already making moves on your father’s assets before your plane even landed in New York. Your brother should be stepping in to stop Luca, but unfortunately, he’s in jail on some other, unrelated charge.

But none of this should matter, right? You were sent away to boarding schools, then college, to be kept as far away as possible from your father’s shady business dealings. You have nothing to do with the mob.

Until today.

The moment the funeral’s over, you are called to meet with Don Cantrella, your father’s boss, and the boss of the entire Cantrella Family.

The Don has decided that you will step into your father’s shoes and take over running Hell’s Kitchen on behalf of the Cantrellas. But, as with everything in the Mafia, there’s a catch. The Don is imposing an “inheritance tax” on you, a $100,000 honorarium that is due in one year’s time—with compounding interest. Once the debt is paid however, you do get a choice—join the Cantrellas as an active, earning member, or consider the money a buyout fee and walk away from mob life forever.

How you make your money is up to you. Will you build your father’s criminal empire back to what it once was? Or will you take his old operation legit, weeding out the loan sharking, gambling, and protection rackets bit by bit?

You could also help the FBI tear down the Mafia from the inside out. Or not. Or maybe you could play some dangerous cat-and-mouse games with a man who might have you whacked if you gain too much power.

Features

• Play as the male, female, or nonbinary child of a notorious Mafia captain
• Choose how to run your businesses, make money, pay the Don, and buy yourself a few nice things along the way
• Live it up in 1970’s NYC! The Vietnam War is over, New York is finally recovering from near economic collapse, and everyone who’s anyone is disco dancing at Studio 54. Put on your Halston original and show them all what you’re made of
• Romance the fully customizable FBI agent, or rival Mafia underboss, Luca Bonaccorso
• Charm, threaten, or outsmart anyone who might want to keep you from reaching your goals—whatever they may be
• Find out the truth behind your father’s murder
• Become a full-fledged member of the Cantrella Family or leave it all behind for the life of a law-abiding citizen

Romance Options

• Special Agent Jason (he/him)/Janelle (she/her) Day: the agent investigating your father’s murder. Agent Day would love to see the Mafia destroyed.
• Luca Bonaccorso: Underboss of the Bonaccorso Crime Family. He is smart, refined, handsome, and utterly ruthless.

Opportunities abound. What will your thing be?

Demos
CoGDemos: CoGDemos
Itch.it: La Cosa Tua by LisaFoxRomance
Patreon: Lisa Fox Romance | Patreon

[Zkrkhey92]

You may wanna change that from patreon access to a public one

[Random_Person]

Will choseing your fathers origin have any impact at all in the story other than a last name, like the PC being Jewish or Muslim if that’s their fathers origins and following those religions laws, or being able to speak another language no one else’s knows and can be use to pass secrets, or have extra connections, like having a westie father and have the Irish mob come to you to help take back Hell’s Kitchen, or having the Chinese gang for a Chinese father come to you to help cement their place in the city as a major faction

[TheTal]

some stuff to fix

so, this doesn’t sound like a last name, but a patronymic one. last modern name would be Shvarova. it’s like Petrova (last) - Petrovna (patronymic) or Ivanova (last) - Ivanovna (patronymic)
unless you decided to put her last name as an easter egg to the first wife of Vsevolod the Big Nest: in which case, it doesn’t work as well, cos it’s not a last name: not Ukrainian, not Belarusian, not Russian

i’ve never heard anyone say this ever. it looks like you wanted to put “for the love of God” or something similar (“for God’s sake”) but translator went literal, not contextual. “radi Boga” will be the best translation to put here.

i’m making a guess here but Svetlana Shvarova is Russian, no? if so, then correct transliteration is gonna be “solnyshko”

ah, the torture of trying to fit she/her pronoun with less-hurdles of he/him
he-she, his-her, him-her, his-hers. you need an extra pronoun variable for the agent

should be a variable, not pure text

wrong use of tense? should be present, not past: “I don’t want to see them?”

some personal nitpick after looking at the code: when picking they/them shouldn’t gender be “third gender” and not “nonbinary” as a time-appropriate term? it’s late seventies (at least, it’s not as bad as using fucking latinx of all atrocious words to describe latino when the story set in 1920s, i think it was in published Heart’s Choice)
edit: after thinking a bit about future chapters: i think the players who are gonna self-insert/roleplay as someone reluctant to go along with lardass don’s whims should have choice to autofail a check when context demands it. not my fault don decided to make a very brilliant decision of putting someone clueless in charge of mafia business. Capo is a very tasty fish, last i heard

[reniere]

@TheTal

not my fault don decided to make a very brilliant decision of putting someone clueless in charge of mafia business.

Ngl, on the path of reluctant mc no part of the plot makes sense to me rn. I just don’t understand what mafia boss man stands to gain from forcing someone like mc (who isn’t part of them, who doesn’t know how they operate, who has no desire to join them, has not proven their loyalty and can easily turn to FBI for help lol?) in such a position. Literally anybody else would’ve been a better choice?

As i was playing i just found myself.. so not invested in anything.
Not the father’s funeral who we apparently loved but why would we as the player care, we never saw what their relationship was like, we’ve no reason to shed tears. Hell we don’t even have enough time to mourn as 90% of the funeral we basically spend on a mafia 101 crash course for dummies.
Not the kitchen we get & its success/failure, and once again why would we care, it’s not like mc was ever part of the business, not like mc grew up knowing they’d inherit it and preparing for this moment. They have no connection to the place. They might as well just be some random job applicant for the manager position.

This whole thing would’ve worked so much better with an mc who was part of the mob already, who knew how things run, and there you introduce the same path of being reluctant and wanting to escape this life vs being totally loyal to the family. At least then it wouldn’t all feel so random and nonsensical.

[TheTal]

@reniere

I just don’t understand what mafia boss man stands to gain from forcing someone like mc

the only positive i can see for the don is that we are easy to control, i guess? even this breaks downs if you roleplay someone who is as stubborn as a mule stuffed up bull’s arsehole.

@reniere

As i was playing i just found myself.. so not invested in anything.
Not the father’s funeral who we apparently loved but why would we as the player care, we never saw what their relationship was like, we’ve no reason to shed tears. Hell we don’t even have enough time to mourn as 90% of the funeral we basically spend on a mafia 101 crash course for dummies.

pretty much same. very not-invested into anything. author can make player care for dad’s funeral by writing a bunch of short-one-page flashbacks (stuff them right after interrogation, perhaps) like age 8. next page: age 12. next page. age 15 to show how awesome dad is/was at being dad (or not great)

@reniere

This whole thing would’ve worked so much better with an mc who was part of the mob already, who knew how things run, and there you introduce the same path of being reluctant and wanting to escape this life vs being totally loyal to the family. At least then it wouldn’t all feel so random and nonsensical.

not sure about that. you could check out Life of a Mobster on.. Hosted(?). story is not great but at least it’s interactive. i’d say 60% of the story’s events are set in stone, the other 40% are conditional, very much depend on you actually choosing something. it def worth it’s money while steam spring sale is on

[GuyIncognito]

Great demo. The father of the MC should have different names with the different backgrounds. John only works for an Irish mobster

[Adagio]

I was going to mention that, haha. John doesn’t really fit when I pick a Muslim family name and first name for my MC.

[HarrisPS]

I’ve got a big chunk of feedback below, I hope it’s helpful! I enjoyed playing this first chapter and found it a very intriguing start. (Also, congratulations on the new project, it’s fun to see you tackling a different genre! This feels like a romantic suspense or romance/thriller to me which is a lot of fun.)

Overall

I like the premise and dilemmas that are being laid out! I have a clear sense of what the preoccupations of the PC are going to be, and our short-term goals. It’ll be interesting to see how those goals end up conflicting - I can imagine there may be some potential shenanigans with betraying the mafia to the FBI, or some other skullduggery in various directions. There’s room for varied attitudes from the PC about the situation they’ve been pushed into which I always like to see, and I also enjoy seeing the hints about how they will be able to interact in varied ways with the storyline.

General note about choice variations
There are quite a few choice sets where there are three options without the narrative responding differently to each one. The choices currently there are really fun and evocative, but I’d love to see more opportunities to express my PC’s personality (either simply flavour, or changing stats). Each option felt vivid, and I really liked how they were written, but for me having only three that often felt a little constraining.

Thoughts as I played:

Typos/spg

• “However, your father does have a rap sheet for other crimes long enough to definitely rival Mr. Homles’s infamous cock.” - “Holmes’s”
• “The police have never had difficulty drawing conclusions from that data, but conclusions is all they have.” - “conclusions are all they have”?
• “The harsh white light can’t fully extinguish my blonde hair’s shine.” - would this be “blond” for male or nonbinary PCs?
• “His light brown looks nice in the sun.” - “light brown skin”
• ““Thanks?" I say, unable to hide my confusion. This’s what he wanted to talk to me about?” - typo “this is”?
• The use of eye dialect for Mr Baptiste’s dialogue didn’t land for me, I think his accent and speech pattern could be done with a lighter touch while still keeping his voice distinct

Interview scene

• The initial scene draws me in great - it’s a dramatic, tense interaction and pulls my attention straightaway. The descriptors are tight and evocative (the aside about the pornstache made me laugh!)
• Looking at the stats early on, they look varied and clear and I’m interested to see how they’ll be used down the line
• Really interested to see the effects of different ethnic backgrounds, it’s nice seeing the variants here. (And excited to be able to have been in Bologna - I have in-laws there and love the place, hehe!)

“You know where the money came from, but only in the most abstract way. As the baby of the family, a surprise late-in-life child, you were spoiled, coddled, then sent away to boarding schools, as far away as possible from anything unsavory.”

I’d enjoy being able to have a flavour-type choice here to have an additional emotional beat, being able to express how I felt about this then/how I feel now.

“You’re not sure what the exact charges are against your brother. Eventually, you’ll have to see him.”

Ditto here!

• I love Svetlana and want to be her friend!

“This meeting is over,” she says flatly. “You have no right or reason to detain my client. ${first_name} will be leaving with me now. Good day, gentlemen.”

As above, I’d love to have a reaction opportunity here! (maybe something that could alter personality stats eg throwing a parting sassy shot at the detectives, shuffling out silently, etc)

She shoots you a look and you rise to your feet. She then leads you toward the exit door.

This is really nitpicky, but I found it slightly confusing having several appearance choices in a row and lost track of what was happening in the room because of the focus on that. I wonder if it would be possible to have a little rundown of what we see of Svetlana and Edwards’ argument as it progresses? It might also help the appearance-choice section feel more dynamic.

Journey scene

“You have no idea what you’ll have to contend with once you get to the cemetery. You have to be prepared for anything because your life is now much more complex than it was just twenty-four hours ago.”

I like the choices following this paragraph - it feels like there’s going to be room for a variety of PC’s attitudes and it makes me feel confident that the game will keep these in mind later on. As I play this section I’m curious to see whether we’ll be able to shift our perspective as well!

Memorial scene

The mausoleum your father commissioned for the family could be your final resting place too, if you choose to be laid with him, your mother, and brother when the time comes.”

Similar to some of the above, I’d love to be able to have a reaction here as it’s such a big moment for the PC.

• Honestly, I’m obsessed with the mum… she’s a boss, I love her

#“If I survive meeting with the Don, you mean,” I say with as much bite as I can muster.

I took this response and it felt slightly jarring going straight to the Don’s description - I’d enjoy seeing a reply from Mum here as I find her character very vivid and interesting!

Svetlana grabs your arm before you can join your mother. “No, Delaney. There’s no time to listen to meaningless platitudes. There are things you must know.”

I’d enjoy being able to have choice of emotional response to this, even if it’s just internal!

• I’m interested to learn more about Luca as he appears; as the memorial scene continues, I’m thinking I’d enjoy knowing more about Dad as well. I don’t think it needs a flashback by any means, but perhaps a personal memory or two before or around this memorial scene. I’d like to know about him as a person, and how he treated the PC when they were a child and as they’ve grown up. If it was entirely distant, then I’d like the PC to have feelings in whatever direction about that (did they romanticise him in their head, wish it was different, be bitter, etc?) I feel the eulogy might be a nice time for this - perhaps the PC could think about the fact that the officiant is being accurate/ inaccurate with his commentary.

Svetlana’s eyes gleam with a hint of pity. “The Don rarely meets with anyone outside his closest circle of confidants. You’re about to become a person of interest to a vast array of people. I cannot predict what that might mean for your future.”

Two of the choices below this paragraph don’t have a response from Svetlana and it felt a little jarring going straight for the next description here!

• Hmm, I’m not sure if I’m fully on board with choosing the appearance of the FBI agent especially as it’s so specific. This might sound weird given that I write gender-selectable NPCs a bunch, but I feel it goes a little too far in the customisable direction doing it this way. Because of the character’s appearance getting chosen so early, it gives me a bit of a not quite fleshed-out feel, or like I’ve got a bit too much control over this character. I’m curious why you decided to do it that way rather than having a set appearance/ethnicity for the character?

Svetlana snorts softly beside you, obviously amused by that platitude. You can only assume it’s because she knows the truth behind those generic words.”

ah, this would be another opportunity to get a feel for who Dad was and the relationship we had!

• I very much enjoy the different responses to everyone staring at us!

Don scene and end

“Your father’s loss grieves us all,” Don Cantarella says once you’re settled. “You have my condolences.”

This was a particular moment where I’d have enjoyed additional emotional variations to pick. Again I like the current options, but I wonder about responses such as attempting to be warm, or making a joke about Mum running off, or something angry (externally or internally) about the situation. Perhaps a line or two of response from the Don for each option would be nice as well.

The Don is quiet for so long, your stomach begins to churn with leaden butterflies.

this might be an opportunity for the PC to pick an emotion about the situation to give a bit of breathing room to the dramatic moment!

It appears your meeting is done.

Ditto here!

She bows her head momentarily, and the ghost of a smile flickers over her face. “Ah, what would John say if he could see us now? Your father was a hard man in many ways, but I think he’d be laughing.”

This was another point where I’d love to learn or specify more about what the PC thinks more personally/emotionally about Dad.

• I really like the location descriptions, they feel very grounded and real to me. I think the game overall comes across very embedded in space, down to skimming over “the sights of New York” when moving through them preoccupied, but having more of an interest and focus on the details of the less glamorous streets.

You turn around and see a dapper older gentleman standing behind you, his hands folded behind his back. He’s maybe ten or fifteen years older than Svetlana, with tightly curled salt and pepper hair, deep brown eyes, and light brown Creole skin. He’s in chef whites, and his coat is as pristine as his posture.”

There’s a repeated “we’ll see how this plays out” in the options below this paragraph

In short I found the first chapter a smooth read and very polished, and I enjoyed the narrative voice. It has oodles of atmosphere as well and I’m looking forward to see where it’s headed - thank you for sharing and good luck!

@TheTal

some personal nitpick after looking at the code: when picking they/them shouldn’t gender be “third gender” and not “nonbinary” as a time-appropriate term?

It looks like “nonbinary” isn’t a player-facing term, the ${gender} variable is just labelled as male/female/nonbinary at the moment. I did find the pronoun question a bit anachronistic. I don’t mind that - the setting is anachronistic anyway with less (or no?) sexism/homophobia included - but it might feel more 20th-century if it was framed as “should we call you Mr, Ms, or something else”, or some other way of specifying. I don’t think that needs to be a big priority at this point of the project, though, as it’s a little detail - maybe something to consider at a later stage.

[Lisa_Fox]

Thank you so much for this deatailed and insightful critique! I deeply appreciate you taking the time to write all of this up. You make some awesome points and I will definitely be implementing some of your suggestions in the next draft

[ChanceOfFire]

On itch, I recommend checking this box:

Mobile friendly — Your project can run on mobile phones (smaller resolution and touch support)

I will try to do one playthrough and give feedback this week.

[yelhsa]

As somebody who was immediately into the idea of running Hell’s Kitchen, I gotta say that I absolutely loved the opening of this chapter! Especially while being sarcastic and ambitious.

I did find it curious we were able to create Agent Day though, is there a reason for that?

Also, I’m looking forward to seeing how everything unfolds going forward and how our backgrounds in education will help us since I chose Oxford. Good luck with writing!

[HarrisPS]

@Lisa_Fox

Thank you so much for this deatailed and insightful critique! I deeply appreciate you taking the time to write all of this up. You make some awesome points and I will definitely be implementing some of your suggestions in the next draft

Really glad that I could be helpful! I’m excited for this, and I think it’s going to be an awesome ride!

[ChanceOfFire]

“He/His.”
“She/Her.”
“They/Them.”

Should be He/Him for consistency.

---

Caishen

Caishen literally refers to the God of Wealth. It would be very unusual for a Chinese person to pick that name, as it could be considered pretentious or inappropriate. Unless it’s a code name, but I’m guessing you’re giving the cops your real name.

---

Chung.
Tang.
Zhao.

Zhao is a pinyin romanization and would have been unusual in 1970s New York. It would more commonly be Chao or Chiu.

---

You pluck a piece of what you hope is lint from your thigh, then flick it off into space. You dressed for the funeral in Beijing before you got on the plane. You’d planned on going straight from JFK to your father’s graveside ceremony. You had not planned on making this pit stop. The general muck of human filth and constant cigarette smoke in the police station is beginning to destroy your carefully chosen attire.

There were no flights between the United States and China (PRC) in the 1970s, unless you were a special diplomat or something. The closest you could do would be to take a train and cross the border to Hong Kong (then a British colony) then use the airport there.

---

Hers deep black skin is flawless though.
Hers brown skin has some wonderful undertones.
Hers light brown looks nice in the sun.
Hers warm beige skin glows with good health.
Hers white skin seems almost porcelain in the sunlight.

Should be Her. This was for the special agent. Speaking of which…

---

“Special Agent Janelle Day arrived in New York this morning on Pan Am flight 151 out of Chicago,” Svetlana informs you. “A decorated Vietnam veteran, she was sent here by Clarence M. Kelley himself.”

Pan Am didn’t do domestic flights in the 1970s.

---

Good luck.

[smileyyy]

Honestly, I agree with all the points made here. I went in expecting a gritty story about organized crime. Some of the choices were, in my opinion, very cliche and extremely out of place for the son of a mafioso. In truth, the MC himself feels like an isekai character. I also get the feeling that not one character is taking this seriously—not the MC, not his mother, not the very incriminating assistant/lawyer we get at the beginning. I think the author will make romance the primary focus of this game and that’s fine, but I have to admit the mob geek in me is a bit disappointed haha. With that being said, I wish the author good luck with this, I will keep following this project and I hope the criticism can be taken in good faith

[Lisa_Fox]

This is awesome!!! Thank you so much

[Adagio]

MC is a spoiled rich kid who lived far from their father’s dirty business. They know nothing about the mafia. So it’s not entirely out of place for them to act cliche or naive. It would be the case if we played the role of MC’s brother; raised in mafia and for mafia.