hey! sorry for the late response, thank you! I will fix that.
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Thank you. That was a mistake not intentional sorry.
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I think you probably should cut back on the choices where we have to type in something because it’s too much at the beginning. It’s best to turn some of them into multiple choices to make it easier on the readers
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I apologize for that. If you mean the adam’s apple part, I left that in the story due to women having an adam’s apple (What Is an Adam's Apple?) but it’s just that it’s not always noticeable. But people will get confused and that was not my intention.
When I wrote the MC, I did try to keep the gender of the MC as neutral as possible in my head.
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i struggled with that. I wasn’t sure because what you type in (spoiler alert) will affect later chapters.
But I’ll cut back at least one of the choices, maybe the fav dish and side dish one can be combined.
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That’ll be a good idea and it should help as well
Thank you so much!!
Next update coming soon 
realizes I only have 3 days left
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No pressure
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I’m thrilled with this concept and will follow! This relates to my own immersion. Some things seem to be missing or moving too fast for me. Below are some things I was asking/thinking about as I read.
CHAPTER 1: Most of my questions were or stemmed from here. Sorry it's long, but I hope it helps. The story as it is is a good start if I'm wondering about and anticipating all these things! 😄 SPOILERS to anyone who hasn't read the demo yet.
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Because the chapters are super short and ends at a point where we kind of know the MC and the RO enough to start the actual story, everything you have now makes up what should be the prologue or first two chapters of the story.
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I like the idea of you trying something different with the stats and choices and hope it works out. If you decide not to use traditional stats, then maybe the stats screen can be a place for need-to-know info. It could list 1) basic info about the MC, RO, and other characters we meet along the way (names, ages, occupations and descriptions) and 2) world glossary if relevant.
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Can that grandchild choice be expanded to include: 1) If I had been a better grandson… 2) If I had been a better granddaughter… 3) If I had been a better grandchild…(as you already have it) You could then use this choice to also set the MCs gender at the same time it does what it does in the background.
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Why does the MC not trust anyone? (Probably comes later in the story)
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What happened to the MCs parents?
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“The sound of hearty laughter echoes into the room as the door swings open. A man in a tunic appears.” Why is there hearty laughter from the other room, if my grandmother just past and hasn’t even been removed from the home yet? Is the MC at a wake? Is this man in the tunic a relative or family friend? If so I don’t think he’d call me inkeeper. He’d call me by my name. He could be a random messenger though.
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It doesn’t make sense to lose Gma, settle her arrangements, come back to the inn after being away from it, and have a good hopeful night all within one week. If the MC was close to their Gma, they’d still be mourning. Maybe back at work, but still mourning and not have a “things are looking up” night as this one until maybe 1-6 months later. (I recently lossed close loved ones and am still coping with the pain, so this detail stuck out to me alot).
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Is Greese an RO? Are they male/female/nb/choosable? Developing this character and their relationship with the MC and watching their reaction to the surprise appearance of the Prince/Princess would be fun! Greese does seem note worthy since there the hire/look after for the inn/and known the MC for a long time. What’s their reaction watching their boss struggle to meet ends and then loose their own job when the boss is enslaved for a year?
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“At night you are in your room laughing at your circumstance. The laugh gets louder and louder. So loud the ground laughs alongside you. You can’t believe it, you begged and begged but the gods still did not help you, still ignored you.” How have things gotten worse to the point the MC is cracking up on their bed? What has the MC tried but failed to accomplish? Thinking of what’s coming: Have they gotten into alchemy yet? Is it a skill they always had? Have they tried to incorporate alchemy into their business to make extra money? If so, again, how did they fail?
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“The letter tells you that you’ve been doing a good job keeping up with your debt payments.” Thinking of what’s coming: Was this letter a mistake by the officials? A forgery? Was I actually paying my debts at this time? If so when did things start to get better over those eight years? Why am I still arrested and put into slavery if things were going good?
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“Your worker stops sweeping the floor and nudges your shoulder and asks you to talk to them.” If this worker is still Greese, how does he feel knowing he’s been loyally working 8 years with a boss that doesn’t trust him at all? What attempts has he made to get closer to the MC/build a friendship? I find it hard to believe he and other workers haven’t tried to be close to the MC. It seems the MC is really focused on themselves and seeing a limited view. Again, why is that?
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“In fact, you haven’t had a single friend in the past . . .” Choices are 5-14 years. How old is the MC?! Thinking about what’s coming: How old is the Prince/Princess when 1) they rescue the MC from slavery 2) meet the MC (choice # of years) later and 3) in the current time while the MC is going through their debt phase? While the Prince/Princess recharges, are they old enough that people would recognize them walking about with MC? Just thinking about this, if no one recognizes the Prince/Princesses there has to be at least a 10 year age difference between them and the MC. Which means the MC is at least a generation or so older. Very interesting dynamic to the relationship!
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“Sure. Hey boss, can I get an advance on my pay?”Choices are 1) Sorry I don’t have enough yet… 2) Of course. First, if this is still Greese, what’s going on in his life that he needs and advance?! That shocked me. Second, I thought things were going well with the debts? Why does the MC not have enough money? Even if the MC has enough money, Greese is not getting an advance. He needs to work those hours first. Can a choice like that be added? My MC would not let that fly. Whether we’re close or not, or in debt or not.
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How’d the officials enter the inn without the MC or anyone else noticing? Debt collectors usually wait for the most inopportune time. It makes more sense that they’d address the inkeeper and drag them away in front of the patrons and coworkers, humiliating them in the process. Meaning Greese, is by default in charge until further notice!
Again, I’m wondering if the “no more debt” claim was a forgery, especially if the MC fully believes they were paying them. Who set the MC up and why? (Probably where the MCs reason for mistrust comes from???)
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Mein gott…this is beautiful…can’t believe it brought me to tears…specially that part… I can’t wait for more!
Thank you so much for the hard work!
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Thank you so much for playing the game! It really means a lot that you care enough to provide such detailed feedback.
Here is my response below (spoiler alert):
- So far these are the first three chapters of the story. Do you think I should make it clear to readers like making it all ‘prologue’ and then renaming chapter 4 as chapter 1?
- Wow thank you!! I actually thought everyone didn’t like it but I was hoping they would once they saw it’s true impact in later chapters. Those sound like great ideas, I might implement them after I finish the game.
- So you’re saying make the gender choice come earlier in the game? The way I set it up I thought it would feel more seemless and smoother. Kinda like a casual, oh yeah btw whats ur gender? Did that not work for you?
- This will unfortunately not come into play throughout the story. Do you think that you will wonder too much about it? Should I add a small mention of them?
- She is dying in her deathbed. I did wonder if people would be confused whether she is dying or dead. I’ll change that.
- See above. They are coping witht the pain of potentially losing their grandmother but they have moments of trying to stay optimistic that things will be better ((spoiler) if that’s your path given what you chose. if you had chosen the bottle there was another outcome to that.)
- Hm, I should make it clear to players Greese is a temporary hire and there have been many emplyees. They have no impact on the story. (im really sorry Greese
) - Hm, perhaps I should make the reasons more explicit? They have the threat of slavery if they don’t pay their debt and also their grandmother is dying. The alchemy school part and how it ties into their guilt is explored later (if that path is chosen). Why they have not used alchemy in their business is also explained but not directly.
- Was there a bug? The royal guards should’ve explained to you what happened. There should be a line saying you paid your debts but there is a penalty for paying them late.
- See 8. If you played the talk to the hire route you’ll see that the innkeeper does not trust people enough to befriend them. Why that is will actually be up to the player.
- Hm I don’t want players to focus too much on the innkeeper’s age, should I make that period shorter? Like 5-8 years? How old the prince/princess is depends on the chosen time-string (timeline) the player has chosen canonically. Why the (spoiler) princess will not get recognized as you guessed right will be explained but it’s not to due to age.
- Ah lol canonically speaking, lore accurately speaking, that worker (who is not Greese, so I’m going to make that clear in the update) wants an advance for gambling reasons, but that’s not really going to impact the story so I didn’t write it. I should make it clear then that paying the debts is why the innkeeper is low on profits. BAHAHAHAAA I never considered a choice like that. I’ll add it. I thought you liked Greese/notGreese lol.
- Yeah that would be more dramatic (and notGreese gets his advance!). But I’m going to disagree, I like the invasion of privacy and the quiet surprise of it.
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Again, I’m so grateful for this feedback and you playing the game. I hope you enjoyed it!!! I can’t wait to show you what’s coming. I agree that things do move fast but it’s super tricky to balance cus obviously meeting the you know who is the point of the story and I don’t want to take forever to get there. I’ll have to think on that. I just hope the later chapters make up for it!
(btw how do you do the dropdown thing)
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haha you’re going to make me cry that you like it that much.
And thank you for saying that because yes I did work really hard on this and I am so excited to show you the rest because right now the story has only just begun.
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aww… sweet melon
it’s a nice start… i wonder how the rest will be with time-travel stuff
hope it not turn depressing like stein gate
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thank you!!! More coming next Monday.
what’s ur fav anime? (mines frieren)
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hmm… i have no fix genre but if i have to choose one it’s probably psycho pass
Possible yes. Hard to feel for one no matter how hard I press. Whole esophagus part, glans, veins, muscles, no bumps besides what I wrote.
So writing it in is confusing.
It really hits home, and it’s been a while since I played a WIP that makes my body and heart react, like damn, I felt tearing up during the cave parts.
That and going two ways, blaming or asking for forgiveness, telling yourself to be stronger or just accepting everything languidly…and when you found out what your future self said…It actually made me say that thank you to my future self in real life… So thank you! and please take care of youtself author!
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nice i’ll check it out
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I understand. I fixed that part, thank you for helping me
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I’ll never forget ur kind words 
I’m glad there is someone who got the impact that I envisioned for this story.
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