The knifes are always there when selected something like claws. It just breaks the scene a bit.
3 Likes
They put the day before the month (12/7/24), whereas in the US we put the month before the day (7/12/24). Extremely confusing when in days 1-12 of any month, as there are users here from all over the world. It can be impossible to figure out sometimes.
Precisely. âThe 8th of July, 2024.â
Iâve always preferred the US way because itâs faster. âJuly 8th, 2024.â
But Iâm also from here, so Iâm biased lol.
2 Likes
So that means the current date at the top could be read as âDay 08 of July 2024â? If so, then I rescind my statement about the date being wrong.
1 Like
Thatâs exactly it. Most countries organise date from smallest unit of time to largest.
Day/Month/Year
There are some Asian countries that organise it from largest to smallest.
Year/Month/Day
America seems to be the only country that puts the month first.
Month/Day/Year
As far as I can tell, thatâs how Britain used to write it when the American Revolution happened. Britain changed it later to match the rest of Europe, but America kept the old system.
4 Likes
Theyâve been doing that a lot lol. Trying to act like they were never cringe, when they were the original edge lords.
Coughs in Imperial system and calling Futbol âsoccerâ
Lol so basically a month typo then
1 Like
Okay. Leaving it clear here, I really enjoyed this, the action was pretty good, there wasnât much of characters and dialogue yet, but it seems to be pretty nice too.
However, I have a few qualms/suggestions.
The main thing that bothered me, The bully scene where your powers are awakened is a bit rushed, lacks a bit of reaction from the MC and is a bit hard to believe too.
The problem:
What I mean is, why the sudden awakening of your powers at that moment, nothing that hasnât been done to your character yet has happened, I actually tought that was a way of showing your character had powers for a long while now and just revealed them at first.
My suggestion:
Let the bully actually attack the MC, beat the MC to an inch of their life, only then, in a desperate moment where they could die, does their power awakens. Itâd made scene feel more correct, as well as giving a reason as to why your character only stops when the bully is already dead.
The Problem:
The MCs reaction is far too apathetic for an until then completely average 14~ yo, even more for it being their first kill.
My suggestion:
Show a wide range of emotions as the act sinks in. Start by the MC being euphoric by the power rush, downright ecstatic while they beat the bully in an adrenaline fueled rage. But, as the adrenaline dies down and the MC realizes what theyâve just done, they hyperventilate, they panic, they apologize, they cry saying they didnât mean to, wondering what they did, why, until they start entering deniability, blaming the bully for attacking them, even though they canât quite convince themselves of that. Then they start to calm down, think things through, make it a choice if possible, âDoes MC really cares âbullyâ is deadâ, let the MC start seeing this as an opportunity now, they got powers and all that jazz. Let the MC FEEL. Sure, they might have turned into a cold killing machine in the years since then, but the first kill is always a messy one, and one where you FEEL the weight of it.
Lastly, the Problem:
Itâs hard to believe that a 14~ yo would manage to hide from the police that well after murder. For one, all the destruction of propriety you cause killing the bully canât be cleaned by phenyl, the police would immediately know something happened there. MC would not have been able to fully clean blood, thatâs not so easy, theyâd find traces of it everywhere, INCLUDING the knife that the MC touches with what I assume must have been bare hands, meaning prints, and lastly, It takes FOREVER to saw a body to pieces, dig a hole, dump the body, close the hole and clean an entire gymnasium filled with gore, that the MC wasnât caught doing all that in a campus is insane.
My suggestion:
Make the hiding of the crime scene simpler. Have it happen in a much more isolated space, in the middle of the woods or something like that, and let the MC simply bury the body, sawing it to pieces is unnecessarily burdensome and time consuming, aside from require a tool which is now a massive evidence to be used against them.
Well, that was a massive rant, but hope it helps. Again, I think youâve got something pretty neat going on, and I hope the best for you. Iâll keep checking on this so Iâll look forward for it
8 Likes
This is where the superman power set should really shine, just totally incinerate what is left of the punk and sweep up the ashes, then the police may look but they wonât find anything resembling a corpse. Or, if the mc has poor control the heat vision can be used to at least reduce the body to much smaller pieces very rapidly.
Well with the heat vision power mc can make sure there isnât much left to hide and with the superspeed power they can hide it so far away that the local police will never find it, which would also go a long way towards deflecting suspicion even if they do find the bodyâŚhalfway across the country. A speedster could also very rapidly do the cleanup and repairs.
I guess plenty people wanted some addition to the bully scene to add more flavor to it.
Thatâs the thing though. It says you leave behind nothing but a black mark after you hit the bully with heat vision yet the next page you are cutting up his body lol.
5 Likes
Just a suggestion but could you add âGod Modeâ to superpower as some sort of cheat unlocking every power there is and more? Something similar to another WIP âThe thousand of usâ if your fine with it of course.
2 Likes
Should be in adult section
It might easier just to add a powerset like thors or ghost rider. Basically find a dope, OP god/being then throw those powers into a set.
I only say this because adding all those powers into one set might be crazy difficult writing wise.
1 Like
Yeah this scene didnât fit seamlessly
After the Valkyrie fight I was like âDamn, I got trashedâ but after someone said she is the strongest in the world it turned into âDamn, sheâs trashâ.
Yeah its probably for story reasons why I got away but whatever.
2 Likes
The difficultly of the fight actually just boils down to your power set since some did better than others. Teleport could of beaten her easy and laser eyes is on par for example
2 Likes
So much for strongest in the world.
1 Like
She did severely underestimated us since she wasnât really expecting a proper fight from MC. Also she was blind about what powers we had. Guess she might bring back up next time and take it more seriously after recovering from her broken ego
If I get beat or fight to a stand still AGAINâŚIâm gonna be livid.
She canât keep getting away with this! Itâs not fair! Please somebody teach her a lesson lmfao.
2 Likes
Someone needs to fix her lol. This fight was just mostly about introducing the hero which is why it scaled mated/lost. Anything could happen next time but I want to actually win at least once later.
1 Like