Good start so far, getting right into the action instead of having a pre-combat prologue definitely works here. Be interested to see how you pull off the plot and the importance of command, tactics and relationships. Some comments on what’s in the current demo:
Scene comments
Not sure about the starting bit. Asking for a sitrep – of one’s own platoon, no less – in the middle of a firefight seems a bit odd. It’s not that it happens, I’m more uncertain about the way it comes across. It seems odd to have to ask the platoon sergeant for a determinant of the platoon’s morale. Water and ammo makes sense, though I suppose it could have been specific.
Basically I feel that the first bit before the pagebreak, while good at setting out the scene, is clunky in the manner which the situation of the platoon is described. Overly mechanical. They’re being shot at, while the sergeant somewhat-breezily lists off stuff. It also makes it seem that the MC is a bit impotent in that they need their sergeant to point everything out for them (jokes about officers aside) while all the sergeant needs to do is look around. In-universe, how does the sergeant know about ammo and water levels, for instance?
As an idea, perhaps have the PS duck into cover alongside the MC having been sent around to find this stuff out from around the platoon before asking for orders (I believe it’s called a LACE report, but that might be a modern thing). The MC would be more active than currently, where they just seem to be sitting there with the sergeant being the active one.
The bit after the first pagebreak with the first choice is better, and to be frank with it I’m not entirely sure whether the whole exchange with the sergeant is entirely necessary. Tactics seem reasonable, though my first instinct was to wonder if I could rifle grenade the position or suppress and flank it. I do like the touch of it being possible to use the RPG as an anti-emplacement weapon, that doesn’t seem to happen too often in fiction that I’ve read.
I like the variety of options in storming the house, though I question the reasoning behind abandoning it despite the casualties inflicted upon taking it. The objective was to advance and secure a new position, right? The game then appears to contradict itself as the platoon then secures the house despite the MC saying that they should return to the base.
In general, the point of the action doesn’t seem clear, and the stuff after taking the house just adds to the confusion. That might be a point worth making concerning the brutality and fog of war, but the platoon’s objective should be more clear cut - take this building, take ground etc.
One nitpick, but surely using the RPG inside the house against the truck would kill everyone with the backblast, unless they’re on the roof?
Some general comments:
General Comments
On the use of onomatopoeia in the text, personally I’m not in favour of it. I admit I have a personal dislike of it in general, but feel that stylistically it doesn’t fit so well in the atmosphere the story is trying to cultivate. It’s a stylistic thing, but I thought I’d point that out. On a similar note, while I enjoyed the depiction of combat throughout, some scenes seem a bit overly-dramatic and overblown despite the “gritty” feel the game is trying to get across.
For instance, a guy gets shot as the MC sprints across the street; his buddy gets shot trying to help him. The amount of description here might actually be detrimental because firstly, the MC is sprinting and isn’t paying full attention, and secondly, it is happening in seconds.
It might even be more effective (if going for emotional shock) for the MC to hear this stuff behind them but not turn around until they’re in cover. When they’re in cover, they’d see the two dead already. It would be a narrow, “claustrophobic” POV, admittedly, but I think it’s a potential solution to a potential issue which I can’t entirely enunciate.
As mentioned earlier, it’s sort of like how the combat becomes secondary to points of drama or dialogue, instead of it being simultaneous to the drama or dialogue. The narrow focus on the guy getting shot and his buddy getting shot trying to help him, to me, took me out of the firefight. It might just be me though, and I can’t really offer any suggestions as to solving it either.
Rambling aside, I did quite enjoy it. Curious to see how the game develops. Keep up the good work.
