[WIP] RED HILL: PART ONE: 4 Jan 2024

Hey Everyone. I’ve decided to write my first game after years of lurking on the forum.

The title is Red Hill and I am not a writer by profession so there will be grammatical and spelling errors.

22

Red Hill is based in an space themed scifi world where you play an exiled engineer/inventor. Its inspired by star wars.

Summary

You’re the second born Halion, a family of pride and honor with a legacy of esteemed service to the Crown. During the Trier wars, your planet is captured and your family breaks after the death of your youngest sibling. Driven by grief and anger, you go against your father’s advice and betray your family. All actions have repercussions and yours were heavy. After escaping death, you retire to a dust planet far from your system hoping to live the remainder if your years in peace. A certain rebel belts herself into your path, changing the course of your destiny.

Enemies on all sides, the Union and the Empire want you dead as the rebel leaders scrounge to find you. On this journey you will be chased by mercenaries, union commanders and a shadow from your past.

ROs

1. Kaiya Yunor
Long raven hair, beige skin, dark brown eyes.
She’s short and slender. Only a fool would underestimate this woman’s strength and challenge her to a fight. Skilled with blades, Kaiya is a spy for the rebels and has been wandering the galaxy searching for you. Even after all the war has stripped from her, she’s kind and her morals remain untouched. She’s finds joy in the most common things and she’s strong enough to bulldose admirals. You know that if you let her in, you both can help each other recover from the traumas of your past.

2. Carter “Uno” Monroe.
Curly blond hair, green eyes, olive skin.
The Captain of the Siren 26, one of the most notorious mercenary gangs this side of the galaxy. He’s charming and debonair, the perfect gentleman, or so he’d tell you. He has his own skeletons and it’s quite interesting how a Captain in the Empire came to be the most wanted head in all the galaxy.

3. Erin Dosrann
Red hair, blue eyes, cream skin.
The morbid and snarky sniper who never misses. They call him the eye of fortune. He’s on death row same as you except he’s being punished for a crime he didn’t commit. There is mean and then there is Erin. He hates you and he won’t say why.

4. Commander Jane Mwana
Black hair, brown eyes, ebony skin
The cold and emotionally detached Union Commander who’s responsible for you. She doesn’t trust you and thinks that you’re wasting their time. She has her own death list, though her skeleton surprises even you.

  1. Rose Crawford
    Brown hair, blue eyes and pale skin with a phoenix tattoo on her neck.
    Crude, flirtatious, sarcastic and a lethal assassin. She’s been dispatched by the Empire to hunt you down. However she ends up joining you since those she trusted have cut her off. There’s a dark grisly wound she’s hiding behind that sinister smile. Maybe if you show her yours, she’ll let you see hers.

6. General Daryun/Darya Solaris[M/F]
Hazel eyes, light brown skin, Black hair
Daryun(For female MC) & Darya (For male MC).
Oldest child of the King of Solaris, they are your ex fiancé. You can have the option to pick the nature of your engagement. They are proficient in tactical warfare and there isn’t a fight they can’t win. Admiral Solaris can predict every move of the enemy but they can’t tell why you changed.

Option1: You wanted to marry one another by choice and your fathers had nothing to do with it.
Option 2: Your fathers forced you both into the union.

Either way, you can still romance Solaris but the backstories and the interactions will be different. You can even become friends with the Admiral if you don’t see them romantically.

7. Ryker Kenlar
Amber eyes, dark brown skin, Dark brown hair.
He is the gentle giant in Carter’s crew. A cyborg who remembers you from your days in the Navy. You saved his life by crafting the heart that now beats in his chest. In that crew of killers and traitors, Ryker is the only one who cares for you from the minute you meet.

Feedback

Everything really. From grammar, spelling to any inconsistencies in the plot. Choices that you’d prefer, any changes that are required etc.

Content warnings

There will be blood, gore, violence…lots of violence, an MC with grey morals and at some point, there will be sexual content.

Demo

https://dashingdon.com/go/15372

175 Likes

Haven’t started yet but off the jump noticed the save system you have currently in place needs its own special save string. Your current code is using a general one that several games have on that note might look into the new save checkpoint system some are moving to it might help as well.

Now back i go into game lol

I am not good at providing useful feedback, so I will just say that I like this demo.
Way better than typical superhero cringe settings lul

3 Likes

Just a note, if you’re giving us an option to order a non-alcoholic drink, it would be nice to be able to object to being served an alcoholic one that we didn’t ask for.

4 Likes

Sounds interesting

2 Likes

Looks really cool. Quick question, it’s just inspired in Star Wars or inside the same universe?

1 Like

Chewy nooooo! Nice little cliff hanger :grin: So far Im enjoying it and looking forward to see what comes in the future. Some of the paragraphs do feel a little clipped as they have quite a few very short sentences, but it’s nothing bad.

I do have one tiny request. General Solaris, instead of locking their gender to the opposite of the MCs can you just let us pick for ourselves? Writers choice of course.

6 Likes

Great start!! Is it just me or are The newer writers doing their thing lately!!? Like the last week or two the IFs have been absolutely wonderful. Everything from the writing to the dialogue seemed to flow so naturally.

Not only that but, idk, I kinda love the MC. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing him and Kaiya’s dynamic build up- she’s adorable.

Summary

Also, @Ren_VD I’d like to recommend moving this to the adult section (or keep this one and still create a separate post in the adult section) depending on how descriptive you plan to be with the gore, violence and sexual content. They consider it 18+ after a certain extent.

6 Likes

Fr love the new WIPs can’t wait to see more of this one

2 Likes

Really interesting start, I am looking forward to seeing where the story goes!

1 Like

Very nice so far. Something to keep an eye on.

1 Like

intresting lets see how it goes in the future but so far i liked what i saw

1 Like

Not a bad start! I’m especially intrigued about the MC’s condition/exile and our come-to-life robot.

There were a few things I noticed while reading that I thought I’d mention, since you said you welcomed any feedback. Hopefully some of this will prove useful. :slight_smile:

First, the writing is quite long-winded in places, over-describing even mundane actions such as harvesting and preparing food, walking from one place to another, filling up a cup, etc - text that does nothing but bog down the story. I found myself skipping over chunks of text that could have been streamlined or even cut out entirely. For example, instead of including all that harvesting and cooking, the MC can heat up some that they harvested and cooked earlier, since the harvesting and cooking, I’m assuming, is not actually important to the plot.
I get that you probably want to share the world’s interesting/different foods, etc, which is understandable, but there are ways of doing it that don’t distract from the story.

Second, it would be nice to give the player more chances to roleplay their character’s personality, not just in the future but in the existing content, rather than having the narrative speak for them. For example, when you save the rebel and you’re going about doing things in the house, she says your character is “nice” as they help her. But what if that doesn’t fit how you envision your MC, and they wouldn’t do more than the bare minimum to help the rebel, if at all? What if they decided NOT to take off the cuffs when she asked, because this person is, after all, a complete stranger that brought MC’s enemies to their door? What if MC’s personality is cold and serious, or a charming flirt, etc? What if they saved her just because they wanted to know what she was about, or what kind of trouble she was bringing, and not because of any desire to actually help her? Alternatively, maybe the player chooses to play the MC as a genuinely helpful and empathetic person, and then the rebel has every reason to call them ‘nice’.
My point is, let the player decide who their character is, rather than telling them how their character behaves/speaks; let them roleplay their character’s actions & reactions (for the most part), not just story-related choices. It really helps the player to connect with their character and better experience the story as a result.
There are large chunks of existing text that could be broken up with chances for character-building, too.

Lastly, due to the ‘otherworldly’ nature of the game, it would be nice to give some actual name choices for the MC that fit with the world they’re part of, since it’s a different universe and names that are normal for the player don’t seem so normal in that world. Of course, the player doesn’t have to choose them but it gives some idea of the ‘flavor’ of names for humans in that world.

4 Likes

Cutting down on the long parts and the mundane parts I can do but the character choices would take a lot of coding and a technique that requires experience which I lack. The plan is that the first three chapters are meant to give you an idea of how the story starts. There’s going to be a few time jumps and I have to be honest that when I write, I have a specific character in mind but I’ll work on it and try to give the players more ground. I’ll add a names list too.

Thanks for the details. Very helpful. :hugs:

2 Likes

This made my day. :grin:

1 Like

Sure thing. I’ll add it to the draft update

1 Like

Will do :+1:

Oh shoot I missed that. Thanks for pointing that out, I’ll add it to the next update.

1 Like

Inspired by star wars. There will be a few differences. :grin:

1 Like

I was hooked from the ROs introduction and even more invested when I read your demo!

I already imagined some relationship development haha and linking them to Starset’s songs. Like EARTHRISE for Ryker/MC as they were his life line or Frequency for Solaris/MC as Solaris might know younger MC and I swoon for the “Admiral Solaris can predict every move of the enemy but they can’t tell why you changed” part :sob:

Thank you and looking forward for more!

1 Like