Winter of Witches Updated 9/3/2018

Whew…okay here we go.

I promise I’ll write a better description tomorrow, but for right now I’ve just got to post this before I lose my nerve.

Witches have been enemies to the Sages of the Dawn for thousands of years. As the oldest child, and heir of the most powerful sage in the new world you always thought you knew which side was right. When an act of violence and spell gone wrong rip you out of that world you learn that neither side has sole claim on what’s right.

This will be, hopefully, be a dark, character driven story set in a “low-fantasy” world. There is magic, but no elves, dwarves or dragons. So I think that counts as “low-fantasy.” The game is set in the capital city of the first colony on a vast new, unexplored continent.

If this is successful it’ll be the first of a trilogy where some of your choices will carry over and impact the later books. If not it will be able to stand on it’s own.

It’s still very rough, and the demo is only 6,000 words. I’ll be editing and adding every chance I get.

Trigger Warnings

You spend the first third of the book as a captive of a group of people who definitely mean you harm. There’s very little explicit violence, but the threat of it is always there. There will be some sexual content much later in the story, but none of it is essential to the story, and it’s all skippable.

I’m not sure if this counts as a trigger warning, but it could see it being a upsetting to some people so I’ll mention it. If your character is LGBT then for the first third of the game they’re in the closet. If people want it I’ll do a spoilery version of this warning that explains exactly why, but speaking in general terms. This story is about finding your path to freedom. Literally and figuratively. More than anything else I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m going to do everything I can to treat these topics with sensitivity. If I make a mistake please let me know.

Romance

There are four definite romantic options later in the story. Two men, and two women. All four will be available to the player regardless of gender. There is a possible fifth non-binary romance option. I came up with the character thinking they’d have a smaller role, but then I really liked them so I’m trying to find a way to flesh them out and fit them into the story.

Stats please read

There is a stats screen now! It’s still basically blank but hitting the "show stats button wont make the game break anymore. There will be stats quite a lot of them, and each choice will affect multiple stats, but I want to be very careful that early choices don’t cut off paths later in the game. So, for example, if in a flashback to when you’re sixteen you decide that listening to your father drone on about magical theory is the least interesting part of your day that will absolutely not stop you from becoming a powerful user of magic by the end.

Changelog

9/1/2018: Posted the first demo.
9/2/2018: Fixed typos. (many remain)
Fixed a couple coding issues (including that one at the naming scene)
Added the first part of the first major flashback.
9/3/2018: Edited the first scene.
Added a mostly blank stats page.
Added more varied reactions to the other prisoner.
Fixed a few typos (probably made several new typos)
Finished the flashback day, started the next scene
Most of the character creation is finished now.
Total word count 14000

To do next

Re-edit the ritual scen
Add choices to the first conversation with the OP
Finish the character generation and party scene.

I really appreciate any and all feedback. I’ve never written anything this big before.

Okay I’m stalling now.

Here’s the demo.

https://dashingdon.com/play/camille622/witchs-dawn/mygame/

I hope you like it.

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Eeek! you wrote a WIP? Gotta seee!!! brb…:grin:

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You got my attention what is the magic system like can we use it and if so how powerfull can we become with it

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I also got an error but I cant screenshot it , sorry…

it say : awake line 382: ‘else if’ is invalid, use ‘elseif’

was trying to enter mah name .

Edit: Apparently picking one of the name on the list work…but not custom name .

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Hey @Camille622, this is a great start so far! :slight_smile: Wonderful job - you have a very engaging style of writing with strong verb choice and imagery! (You also use the *page_breaks very effectively! It’s very immersive.)

I would just like to clarify, because you seem a bit unsure, that this story counts as “high fantasy” because it’s set in a secondary world of your own creation. “Low fantasy” is set in the “real world” with magical elements, like Harry Potter or Twilight. “High fantasy is defined as fantasy set in an alternative, fictional (“secondary”) world, rather than “the real”, or “primary” world. The secondary world is usually internally consistent, but its rules differ from those of the primary world. By contrast, low fantasy is characterized by being set in the primary, or “real” world, or a rational and familiar fictional world, with the inclusion of magical elements.” Source 1, 2 for anyone wondering!

If it’s okay, I’d just like to point out some small typos I noticed in the beginning:

Summary

Each breath in is a struggle, and each breath out is blown back into you face

It grips you just firmly enough to hint at it’s great strength.

you begin (,) barely hiding the tremor in your voice,

What is it that you want? Maybe I can help-" “You. It’s you we want, and it’s you we’ve got. This is the plan. There is nothing you can do to help it. There is nothing you can do to stop it.” The finality of his tone leave you silent. on your knees in the dark. (No paragraph break between dialogue lines, “on your knees in the dark” is an uncapitalized fragment)

The edge rests against your breastbone for and endless moment.

A few quick strokes that remind you )(,) unpleasantly of an animal being skinned, (delete the comma)

"Wait (.") you call before you can stop yourself. (dialogue like this ends in a comma)

One of the page_breaks shows up as “page_break” instead of directing us to a new page - I accidentally clicked next before I could record it

I couldn’t continue after this, but most of the typos I noticed from thereafter does involve punctuation, as you noted: just remember that when dialogue ends with a tag like “he says” or “I say”, it needs a comma, not a period. “I won’t do it,” I say to him vs “I won’t do it.” I say to him

I also haven’t been able to access the stats (not sure if you’ve made them yet) and while the opening was definitely intriguing, the reader’s sense of disorientation does make it hard to feel the fear or emotion the protagonist is supposed to be feeling. The part where the warlock comes into the dungeon feels a little exposition-y, as well: maybe dole out more of that information before he shows up? :slight_smile: Other than that, nice work!

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oki…

so I have nooooo idea where you are going with the story but I want MOAR!!! MOAR!!!

it’s Goood…its sound smart…and its intriguing…Oh and I appreciate that the warning are really not much…cose I would’ve hated to skip it…:disappointed_relieved:…but I’m glad I didnt ! so its all cool ! YAY!

Good luck with the story!

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First off, I’m loving the setting and concept. Reminded me of my elder scrolls playthrough. The whole starting out as a prisoner part. The only issue I seen is with Charlie. For some reason his pronouns would switch between him/he/etc to her or herself. There was also an error for typing in my own name.

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Whoa, starting right in the action! I have to bookmark this thread :stuck_out_tongue:

By the way, there’s supposed to be a page break here I believe :slight_smile:

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Oh god thank you all for reading and commenting. So many bugs to fix.

@E_RedMark I found that bug and fixed it. Thank you very much.

@Cheion Yes. You’re right. and now there is!

@Robert_Snead That’s because Charlie/Millie’s gender flips based on yours for…reasons, and I’m really bad at remembering to put the little ${} things. Thank you for letting me know I missed some, and I’ll get back to hunting them.

@rinari Yes there will be stats, but I’m really struggling with how to implement them. I want them to affect how people react to you more than just what you’re capable of. So the stats will tend more toward how kind, or selfish you are rather than how strong or smart you are. But until I get into those scenes where the stats start to have an effect I didn’t want to set up the stat page.

And thanks again all. I’m seriously vibrating with anxiety and excitement over here.

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and you shouuuuuld!!! ITS A NEW WIP FOR US TO REAAAAAAAAD!!! how do you think we feel ? well I know I’m spazzing ! :laughing:

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The most exciting part of the process is exposing your work to the world for the first time! :smile: Keep chasing that feeling and good luck with this project!

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Congratulations on your demo and good luck, I’m really looking forward to how the story plays out! :smile:

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And I’m vibrating with excitement in anticipation for your next update!

Other than the pronouns others have identified, rhere’s a missing close quotation marks at the end here :slight_smile:

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Congratulations on the wip!

You’ve mentioned that there will be more character related choices in the future so I’m not worried.

What I’d like to ask is, must we be kind and helpful towards the prison girl? Could we act more stoic,rude, or rough in the future? And could that perhaps reflect in our dialogue(or have us choose our type of response)?

It can get a bit complicted with all that but I would definitely feel more immersed with choices like those.

Anyways, I’m definitely interested.

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Interesting story. Found some typos and just tiny feedback

I would suggest adding ‘up’ in that sentence, just to make more sense.

Simply make the a capital

Also capitalise the C in Charlie’s name

Just add the apostrophe (‘) in won’t

In my opinion, I would change the sentence to ‘you recall the baker’s daughter name, Ariana.’ as you are familiar with the person whereas that sentence would suggest you’ve interacted with them for the first time.

The last three are simply changing the pronouns to male, since you earlier established Charlie as a boy.

All in all, hope you can continue with this.

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I just got this bug after entering my name.

Summary

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Wow, nice story you got here ! I’m also writing about magic and romance as well , so it definitely worth to learn about other ideas. Keep up the good work :slight_smile:

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Bright and early and back to work.

Thanks @Cheion and @MIGSey for pointing out those typos especially the pronoun swapping ones. They’re so hard to find.

@Terriermon50 Thanks. I fixed that bug once. Didn’t notice I’d made the same mistake twice. I’ve got it now. Probably.

@BoisterousBumblebee Yes. I agree that right now the interactions you have with Millie/Charlie are a little generic. I am going to work on making the choices about how you respond to her/him a little bit more varied, and have a little more impact.

On that topic I think because I used the word girl/boy and I made the other prisoner a little bit smaller, and kinda helpless compared to the pc that they’re coming across as a child. They’re supposed to be a nearly adult teen, like the main character. So I might go back and try to fix that too.

Not right now though. I’ve got all damn day free. I’m going to forge ahead with the next part of the story.

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Sorry to bother you or if this is a spoiler but I noticed that you used “Assigned male at birth” and “Assigned female at birth”. Does this mean that we will be able to play a trans character who comes out/changes presentation during the game’s story?

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