I like the prose so far but the main character’s way of speaking is a bit too ‘modern’ IMO, it sounds more like Urban Fantasy in Alt-History Egypte than straight up ancient egypte.
I like the idea that the Thief would speak or think in a vulgar and casual way but I think it could be done in a more ‘setting friendly’ way if that make sense.
I understand what you mean, but what would be the alternative? Shakespearean English? It’s written in English either way. I meant this more as a… hm… as if the characters were speaking in Egyptian, but then me, as an author, translated it into modern English for you.
However, if you have suggestions for alternative expressions or words, I’m more than open to that! Especially since my native language is not English, so I often can’t tell the difference between a ‘super-modern sounding word’ and a more old-timey one, so some help is always appreciated 
Would you like to help with that?
Not bad…another wip add to my collection
It’s worth pointing out that while “modern” English could be considered fairly lax, or even rude depending on the local colloquialisms of the speaker, that is kinda how language has always been.
Even ‘the Emperor’s Latin’ from way back then was… Well, even sailors might blush at some of the things an old lady from down the way in Rome’s capitol might pop off with. It is interesting you’d mention Shakespeare as an example: in his day, the English he used was considered charming, but distinctly bumpkin, and not anything you’d hear learned by royal/high nobility tutors of the court. He earned his place as a storyteller, able to entertain his patrons, but they wouldn’t call his English noble.
All this fluff is just me trying to say that slang, innuendo, and lazy shortening of words is normal, and human. Your ancient ancestors did it, and humanity’s descendants 100 years from now will still be doing the same; it’s a human thing to do.
Yes, that’s exactly what I was going for, actually! Or I tried at least That’s why I mentioned that while I write, I have it in mind that the characters, in my imagination, are talking in ancient Egyptian (which is a dead language, so we don’t know exactly how it sounded like, especially not spoken since we only have a few written examples). They definitely used slang, and swear words, and sometimes incorrect grammar, because every language does that. So I feel like there would be no ‘correct’ way to portray that in English, unless I do the same, but in a modern translation. That’s why I also used Shakespeare as an example, because sure, for a modern reader, it sounds ‘old’, but like you pointed out, in his time, it was anything but.
I agree however that my choice of words maybe aren’t always the best. This probably comes from me not being a native speaker. I especially struggle with trying to make a difference between how for example the thief MC’s parents speak (low class, no education) and how the pharaoh speaks (high class, high education). There should be a noticeable difference, but I feel like I haven’t spent enough time around native English speakers to be able to portray that easily and effectively. So help with that is very much appreciated! Rest assured though, I’m still trying my best
I think the most important thing is that their speech is easy to understand and follow. Overall, I love the story so far: the plot and characters are interesting, not to mention the interactions between them.
I thought the dialogue was written perfectly well, and I agree that readability and ease of understanding is more important than any sort of “accuracy”—especially when you’re effectively translating from another language and can’t have a clear way of actually achieving accuracy. :]
In my current project I have a similar issue and decided to mirror formal and informal speech with typical formal and informal English too. For formal vs informal, I pay attention to whether phrases are shortened or not (“want to” instead of “wanna,” “because” instead of “cause/cuz,” “I am” instead of “I’m,” etc). High society speech tends to beat around the bush, be verbose, and polite, compared to informal speech that may cut right to the chase and border on rude. If you stick to common things like this, readers will pick up on the high class vs low class and get the vibe, which is all that matters. I’m sure these are things you’re considering already though!
I finally got the chance to read this and it was so fun! And your writing style is a fucking delight! Funny and irreverent in all the right places. Love it so far and I’m excited for more. 
This was really fun and well written. And dang, I thought I was flirting with the general, and instead he’s the bloody prince. Lol. My poor thief just died of embarrassment deep down.
Love the characters so far and the set up of the story. And really enjoyed the humor. I definitely would love to see this continue. 
Thank you all! 
I’m seriously so happy that so many of you like the demo, even though it’s still very short.
This is such an interesting topic to me lol, I could talk about it for hours. How do we know how royalty speaks when they aren’t talking to the public or in front of cameras, but only to their family, behind closed doors? Does their speech change? Probably! But how much and in what way? Education (or lack of) leaves an impact on everyone, but probably even the king of England talks in a different way when he’s just alone with his wife or something, because performing a role and talking casually to your family/friends is really not the same. Just like how we all choose our words more carefully when talking to a teacher or an elder for example.
Anyway, it’s very interesting!
Ooh boy, just wait until you figure out what ‘your majesty’ really means 
Self-inflicted embarrassment morphs to horror.
Seneb: Ugh, now what have I done!? 
Edit: As I think even more on what you said… Oh. Oh God. Oh heavens above…I think I guessed really wrong on both the identity of Qenna and Narmer. I thought they were the spy and general. I mean, Qenna still might be the spy…but… Oh god. But Narmer was so cute and sweet! Welp…here I was thinking I wouldn’t dare romance THAT person. Seneb is a thief out of survival and he understands where his place in society is…but, hello Daddy. 
Jcollins, you are evil. And a genius. And I salute you. 
Now my Seneb and I need to go find a rock to hide under until we hear the serenade of Anubis call us to the underworld.
My god ~wheezing~ 
Aaah I knew it was a good idea to not tell you beforehand who was who in the description I think the beginning of chapter 2 will satisfy your horror when your Seneb will realize what in the f just happened.
Oh man you seriously made my day
Although if it’s any consolation, Narmer really didn’t mind it. He was just surprised. If you boldly flirted with him, he found it quite amusing and unexpected. If you chose the shy option, he thought you were really sweet.
Oh my God. It will take Qenna and Sesi weeks to drag my poor Seneb out from his nest of shame under the bed. A lure of tasty food may be necessary. Meanwhile, Narmer is just glad that he’s still got it at his age. I swear, Qenna better have a field day with this. He strikes me as the type.
This will be hilarious, cause now I want my Seneb to stew in a pot of attraction and mortified embarrassment for Narmer, whilst awaiting the gods to strike him down every time he passingly thinks of how cute the man is. I really wasn’t gonna go after that option, but now I want to.
All though to be fair, all the ros we met so far interest me. I can see myself doing several playthroughs not just based on different back stories, but the different ros. I’ve definitely eyeing a priest and noble route.
Yes. Well done. 
And glad you got a laugh, cause it’s deserved.
Lol I think Qenna’s solution would be to just bring Narmer into your room to deal with your MC’s bullshit, see how you like that 
Or maybe ask Zaia to throw your bed out the window.
Narmer is not that old though… And I’m definitely not saying that because he’s only slightly older than me… 
I mean, I’m about in that age range myself. But considering historically most Egyptians were believed not to live past 40… And it was rare to hit 50 or 60…
I know you aren’t aiming for true historical accuracy…so I’m unsure if Narmer is in his prime or on his deathbed in your version of the world. Lol
The life expectancy was lower, yes, because often they died of infections or sickness or violent death, or something other than old age. Narmer is 36, he’s in good shape, and he’s relatively healthy (with no inbreeding in his family lol), so he just looks like a normal 36-year-old 
(he’s also the king so he can afford doctors) But you’re right, he might not live past 50 because he spends a lot of time fighting people 
But if your MC convinces him to not fight so many people, maybe he’ll live longer who knows 
I was already here for this, no mistake, but 36 y/o RO just got me even more invested 
Be still my heart
My Seneb is short (cause poor nutrition and also short makes better thief). So him trying to stop Narmer wanting to fight is the equivalent of him getting dragged while clinging to Narmer’s leg. Lol
I KNOW RIGHT why is it that most ROs in fiction are in the 18-25 range? I mean? There are such things as proper adults, no? Narmer isn’t even the oldest in the cast…
Yasss I love me some short MC - suuuper tall ROs. I will go all in in the descriptions, don’t worry. Especially when they kiss and cuddle. But yes, good luck trying to keep him back when his country is in danger and he has to go and beat up some bad guys 
sigh The more you describe him, the more I realize he’s my type and my Seneb is now doomed to the classic thief/royal romance trope.
I’m so looking forward to more of this WIP.