Vampire Life: A High School Vampire Story


#1

This is my first attempt at a story, so I’ll be learning choicescript as I go. However, I have a background in computer programming, so I’m picking it up fast.

The vampire genre seems somewhat played out, but maybe there will still be a demand for this story if it’s ever ready to publish.

Because (in this universe) vampires are weak during the day (but can still function somewhat), the main character, who’d been a jock, learns what it’s like to be the weakling he used to pick on and must reconstruct his entire social life while at the same time facing the trials and tribulations of being a fledgling vampire.

I named it “Vampire Life” because it’s possible this might be the first story in a series, with the state of the world and the character transferred between games, giving a sense of continuity, maybe even light RPG elements. If I do this, I plan to allow the main character be be more customizable, but for now, there are only three choices, all boys on the high school football team.

My goal is to write medium length pages, neither too long nor too short, will plenty of realistic, meaningful choices with each one significantly impacting the outcome of the story, emphasizing both personal attributes and relationships.

I generate a password in a few spots, and the stats screen has the restore_game dialogue. Hopefully this won’t be too distracting, but I got tired of starting over from the beginning each time I wanted to test it.

One question: When I have a stat set to 100, if I do fair-math on it, I get the following error: “Can’t fairAdd to non-percentile value: 100”. For now, I’ve set these stats to 99, but shouldn’t 100 work?

I welcome all feedback and constructive criticism.

http://herbaloutfitters.com/choiceof/web/vamp/


#2

Wow. You’re a very talented writer! I agree that there are tons of vamp games already, but there are always those that stand out if done correctly, and I see this story as having potential for that.

I wish I could help with your question but… I’m not very good at that type of stuff. So keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing how this goes. :slight_smile:

Oh and btw, in my opinion your page lengths were just right. I tend to skim through long ones and am annoyed when I just read a sentence and turn the page.


#3

Good premise, go for it.

You actually use correct grammar and punctuation, and are a freaking hero in my book for that.

If I could give three suggestions:

Go ahead and get rid anything in italics. It changes person, slows the action, and is unnecessary info. Stay in second person (or first), start in the cemetery, covered in blood, and go. No asides to the reader, no pondering, just react. “Vampire” is in the title, and the jock-high-school-etc. part will be filled in as you go.

Get rid of the clock and warnings. They don’t actually make that much difference, and make it feel like you’re Robocop reading his HUD. You can signpost being late / bad neighborhood in the story and leave it at that.

Also, the voice is too detached and mature. High schoolers aren’t that attuned to others’ feelings and the consequences of their behavior. They don’t say “I say, old fellow, it was a great mystery as to why I was covered in blood,” they go, “Oh *bleep*, I’m covered in blood!” They don’t think, “Gee, I’ve missed many nights of bonding with the team or getting closer to my girlfriend.” Read the dad’s dialogue out loud and rewrite it so it sounds like an actual dad. (Also, I think even the most callous dad would be more worried about blood all over his son than curfew.)

Anyway, looking to see where you go with the premise. Keep it up.


#4

Well @HoraceTorys with the time it could come from him looking at his cellphone or like a watch and the warning could be like his conscience telling him that this neighborhood is dangerous.


#5

Thanks for the feedback and encouragement, everyone. I put in the clock because I wanted the reader to be constantly aware of the curfew, but it seemed too strong to put it in the text (i.e. Oh, no, you’re another three minutes late. Now you’re really gonna get it… Oh, no, another five. You’re in trouble now!). The reason for this is that when I read stories, I like to know that my choices will matter. I guess it’s a personal preference thing, because I understand that it disrupts the flow and makes it seem more like a “game” than a literary work. I might agree about the warning, though. That could easily be integrated into the text.

As for the italicized narrator, point taken. I’ll think about it. I’ll also read it again and see if the inner dialogue is too mature for a teenager. However, that again is probably my preference for “game” over “literature” where I like to be explicitly told what parameters are in play when I make my choices.

Good advice on trying to sound like an actual dad. However, as for the blood, he’d already taken off his jersey in the cemetery, and this is why the group of men didn’t make a comment either.

Thanks again for the feedback.


#6

So is the reaction to the day a physical reaction to sunlight, in which case some sunglasses, a hoodie, and some sunscreen would help, or a body rhythm that you’re stuck half asleep during the day?

And I don’t know about you, but here high school football games are almost always at night, so even if he sucks at practice and is easy prey during school hours the main character would be unstoppable during the games.

Unless he quits the team?


#7

I hadn’t given a thought to these things. I’d say it’s circadian, so a body rhythm thing, but perhaps drastic measures like living near the north pole in winter or underground might result in relief after an adjustment period.

As for football games being at night, it’s important to the plot that he be too weak for them, so I guess they’ll have to still be early enough that he’s still weak. Perhaps there’s a transition period at dusk, with full strength only appearing around 9 pm or so, but if in real life games regularly happen after 9, then I’ll have to fudge things a bit so that in this universe they don’t!


#8

Well here, football games often last after nine, up to 10 or 11 at night.

Now I can hardy say that’s universal, that’s just my personal experience down here with Texas high school football.

I think the easiest handwave would be to just say that where ever the MC is has games earlier.


#9

Yeah, I’ll have to handwave it away, but dang it, that just ain’t elegant! Oh well.


#10

-Please note this is just my two cents on the game.-

Usually, in games created with ChoiceScript, I scan the 8 paragraphs of rather bland text and dialogue between Joe, Bob and the MC for key words and pick the choice I assume is correct, (Even in my own game I often ignore the description) which it often isn’t. There have been only 2 games that have made me read the entire text to get the full feel of the situation: Zombie Exodus, and this brilliantly designed game. The description isn’t miles and miles long and it’s easy enough for me to understand while still being well enough written for me to get a good feel of the story. (It’s not “You went to the shops and bought some gum. The cashier was pretty, you thought.” it’s “You focused on putting one foot in front of the other on your long journey to the shops. Upon reaching and entering, you walked towards the candy aisle and picked up some gum. You stared at the cashier as he served you…he has a vibrant green pair of eyes. The moment passes when he hands back your change and you leave, sticking a piece of gum in your mouth as you walk back home.” Sorry for the long description.) The writing is brilliantly done.

Unfortunately…I felt like I was being steered in a certain direction for whom I was. I first envisioned my character being a small girl wearing a cliche anime black-and-white school uniform, and then I discovered my character was meant to be male. Then I tried to adjust this image to fit a small boy wearing a cliche anime black-and-white school uniform, but then I was just given a choice of 3 premade characters, all pretty buff. I know they’re meant to be on the school football team, but agility is also used in football. Personally, I like to be able to have choices on my character, and more beyond “Play thee as one of these three, do not be afraid.”

That’s just my opinion (even if saying this doesn’t make it less jacky), I’ll keep checking on this game regularly (It’s a helluva lot better than mine).


#11

Thanks for the great compliment. As for being steered toward a certain character type, doh, I hate it when the image in my head suddenly jars with the story I’m reading. It seems a lot of people like a choice in what the MC looks like, and I might be the exception in that I like the author to write the story with a character they made to especially fit the story. This game might not work for highly customizable MCs, but being an RPG player, I do like that and plan to make such games with choicescript also.


#12

I see. I enjoy playing both games where characters are set in stone (All sorts of console games, like Resident Evil, and some computer-styled games like the emulated Clock Tower and recent horror RPG The Witch’s House) and games where you can choose your protagonist (Even if just their name.) I will continue watching this game with anticipation.


#13

That is interesting point right there about inner voice. I remember skimming through the likes of Maximum Ride and they do have the dialogues sound like all the scenes are happening around teenagers despite their superpowers. That’s definitely something to keep an eye on.

Also, no custom name input? I have personally no problem with that, although I can hear people screaming already. :smiley:

All in all, super job. Will look forward to updates.


#14

well written but sadly the characters are totally preset created and all males and football players . So all my interest go away scared and even don’t finish the demo. I hope there so type of role character dynamic stead you are a man football player B football player male and Guess C male football player . The game could receive the name Males vampires and football
A advice the 90% of teens obsesionated with vampires are girls so you lost all that target audience definitely. You lost me .

Edit: feedback

Im European Spanish no idea of American football if you write football and like all world except America football is soccer. No idea player positions, about characters. You don’t explain a think could you explain or doing a index in stats. Its a pity you got great writer skills but the game its totally fixed and no women allowed .you at least could add a woman in a feminine ligue or something. hell i even couldnt put may name in it!!"


#15

@FcA, I’ll add in custom name as well as maybe a little more customization of the stats. I might make a rich/poor option, etc. Actually, scratch that. Since this is my first attempt, I think I ought to keep it simple and focus on the story, not a lot of stat calculations. I will add the custom name option, though.

@MaraJade, you make a very good point. It’s too late for this game, but if I make a sequel, I’ll target it toward girls with maybe a love triangle theme with the female human MC having to choose between two male vampire rivals.


#16

Also another point the name put something like American vampire football team because actual seem. Fake advertisement . Looks like a highschool sim with plenty romances and at least a girl and more freedom. Certainly not a football team simulation.

Also you allow characters become gay? because the b male football player talk about girls.

Im a hetero girl, but please, you already let behind all feminine genre. Let bi or homo men have a option. Also how react your friends to homosexuality and your rivals could be interesting.

I wish you luck, even if i never would buy it or recommended it. I will look for your future games hoping there will be more freedom and character customization in them.


#17

If you need help I can help write some customization stats. I’m still learning it myself but I’ve got basic customization down.


#18

@Flurrywinde11
Love the game bud

Just a few pointers maybe make the game more free like;

Instead of having a set name and build maybe you could pick your own name and own build

Also instead of having a set girlfriend maybe if you are able to pick your own girlfriend or not have one,

For The ladies you could have parts that they are cheerleaders, just having guys could frighten away some players

I think you should keep the watch and time in the game to make it more realistic

But also make your parents more concerned, with the blood extc

But love the game and carnt wait until I can try out more! :~)


#19

:slight_smile: liked it cant wait for the rest


#20

Your writing is really great! I’ll be looking forward for the rest. And I do agree withJLBH2000, it would be great if we could actually name the MC and pick the build.