Trapped: WIP 07/9/2018 just description update

you play a 16 year old ghost you play male or female you will choose how you died if you were murdered in the 1920s. If your car got crashed into by a drunk driver in the year 2014 or did you have an aneurysm in the year 1982 you will go through out your time as a ghost fight the evil that keeps trapping you in a void while making friends with the families that move into your home through out the years.

sorry about the wait i was going through something personal. but i am much better now and am back i will post more of what i have in the next 3 days if not longer depends on how

30 Likes

so i went and emailed them i dont know why it wont load and sorry about the shity description im really bad with them

2 Likes

The summary isn’t that bad. Frankly, I’ve seen worse. Though I do admit that it could be better, it still did catch my attention. I do hope you are able to figure out how to fix the link, because I am curious to see what your WiP has to offer.

Ok i fixed it a bit i hope its a bit more better

This popped up when I clicked the link.

sorry forgot i made a new link

its nothing big yet. so keep it in mind

You know, it might help to use Notepad++, if you aren’t already.

It has spell check which regular notepad doesn’t and is a lot easier to see formating while you write, while making indenting easier to notice. Just an idle thought.

1 Like

i use cside and it works a lot easier

…Should be “trapped”, you should also capitalize your "I"s.

I hope you enjoy making this story.

In your sleep you feel a drip sliding down your face you open your eyes to watch your dad throw the match on you. In your sleep you feel a drip sliding down your face you open your eyes to watch your dad throw the match on you.

When u play as a female this line repeats it self

This seems like a really interesting story so far! I’d suggest, however, that you take a closer look at your sentences and their coherency. Check for natural pauses, uncomfortable repetition (e.g ‘you’ and similar pronouns) and watch out for grammar issues. Otherwise, I find the premise to be quite intriguing - even the title interests the reader. You certainly seem to have a skill for interesting storylines.

I’d be happy to help out a little if you find it easier to focus on writing the story itself instead of tedious proofreading.

2 Likes


It should be sleeping body not corpse.

1 Like

@Kr15_007

Spelling and Grammar errors

Are you female or male?..
i am a Female
i am a Male

Capitalise the ‘i’

You are a female spirit that was murdered at the age of 16 in the 1920’s

Put a full stop after the bolded word.

You are a male spirit that was murdered at the age of 16 in the 1920’s

Put a full stop after the bolded word.

you were asleep when your father came home drunk from the pub one night.

Capitalise the bolded word.

he was pissed off cause he just got fired from his job at the factory when he walked into your room on the main floor holding a gas canister.

Capitalise the bolded word.

I will not allow you to feel the pain of a whore taking your job son"

Put a comma after the bolded word.

I will not allow you to feel the pain of a whore taking your job son"

Put a full stop after the bolded word.

when he finishes with the gas he places the canister at the door

Capitalise the bolded word.

Taking a match he lights the match before he threw it on you.

Remove the bolded words and replace them with ‘it’.

Taking a match he lights the match before he threw it on you.

Throws

In your sleep you feel a drip sliding down your face you open your eyes to watch your dad throw the match on you.

Change the above section to:

In your sleep you feel a drip sliding down your face, you open your eyes to watch your dad throw the match on you.

You were asleep when your father came home drunk from the pub one night. he was pissed off cause he just got fired from his job at the factory when he walked into your room on the main floor holding a gas canister.

Change the above section to:

You were asleep when your father came home drunk from the pub one night. He was pissed off because he just got fired from his job at the factory. He walked into your room on the main floor, holding a gas canister.

when he finishes with the gas he places the canister at the door before he walked to your dresser picking up the pack of matches he used to always light his cigars. Taking a match he lights the match before he threw it on you.

Change the above section to:

When he finishes with the gas he places the canister at the door, before he walks to your dresser, picking up the pack of matches he used to light his cigars. Taking a match he lights it before he throws it on you.

With a push of air you are propelled forward out of your body to be standing in a burnt room you watch as men run in to the room and load you and your dad’s body onto a stretcher.

Change the above section to:

With a push of air you are propelled forward, out of your body. You stand in a burnt room as you watch as men run into the room, and load you and your dad’s bodies onto a stretcher.

It says traped on the demo instead of trapped you need 2 p’s

1 Like

Oh thanx wow. You are the best.

1 Like

I know what i added was just really horribly written i just wanted to add the fixed part cause i have to wait tell the house is quiet before i can finish and make it better

Quite an intriguing story, what was your inspiration?

i have just lost a pet so a bit of it is from me going through some stuff with that