Personally, I think having a sort of list depending on the major the reader picks would make the story “flow” better. The flow you have going in your write of choices and the specific text following makes for a very smooth transition into the next scene and acknowledges the prior choice the players made. It one reason I really love the transition of the story (more simply I really like your style of writing). However, some people may prefer to have a certain career implicated that is not mentioned on the list which would make a type in option better for them however it’s break part of the flow of the story. Overall, this I’m sure is a rather small detail, but I’m excited to see what you do!!!
I want to apologize in advance for any grammatical errors, English is not my native language.
Your writing style is breathtaking. It’s kinda hard for me to describe it, but your style creates such serene, sweet and magical atmosphere - for some reason it reminds me of my childhood when my mom used to read me fairytales. I fallen in love with your idea, with all these colorful epithets and metaphors and lovely wholesome characters (your art style also so beautiful!)
In short: your game itself is a aesthetic. Thank you for creating such charming and unique story. Wish you luck and inspiration
Thanks for pointing this out! It’ll be fixed in the next update. (Also, sorry for replying to you twice - still figuring out forum controls.)
I’m so glad to hear you liked it, and I hope the replays are just as fun for you! I’d love to hear about your MCs.
Thanks for the suggestion! I’ll definitely add some career choices for the MC to pick from. A large part of their story is about their dreams and ambitions (or lack there of), but I was worried that creating a solid “dream job” would box in a reader too much. Your feedback really helps.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I love nostalgia, so hearing that my writing style captures that for you is truly inspiring to hear. I think it’s always hard to really describe ones own writing style, so your comment means a lot to me. I hope you continue to enjoy my game!
Chapter 2 has been uploaded, as well as some edits to Chapter 1! Current wordcount for the demo has gone from 11k to 23k.
- Added Chapter 2.
- Added grey eyes as an option in CH1.
- Added a dream job option. (More flavor text will be added to this option in Chapter 3’s update - I just wanted to test it out first.)
- Updated Stats page
- Minor bugs and spelling fixes.
What I’m looking for in terms of feedback:
- Spelling errors, bug fixes, grammar improvement.
- If you feel as if there’s an option that’s missing, please let me know!
- Feedback on my writing style
- Anything else you feel like bringing up!
Thanks, and I hope you enjoy the demo!
What a speedy update! You really put out quality content, keep up the good work. You managed to get me completely immersed in the story and once again managed to leave me in suspense. Your writing is very good and you balance immersive and descriptive wonderfully. I enjoy the choices you included as it made my character feel like my own and not just a generic MC. I look forward to see how my choices impact the story and how it affects my experience. Great job
Aw, thank you for your feedback again! This update was only speedy because most of it was already done when I posted the first chapter, although that I admit that the warm reception I got on the forum was certainly very motivating.
I really appreciate your kind words, and I’m glad that you feel like your MC is able to truly express themselves. I’d love to hear about them!
Every other single person except brunette ken as a random woman screamed bloody murder and admonishments in the middle of a crowded theme park
But seriously lol, man this was so good!!! I absolutely love your style of writing, it’s so ethereal and descriptivenif that makes sense. And I’m super intrigued on what’s gonna happen later on with all this. I don’t know how many variations of “i really loved this and it’s super interesting” i can say, so i’ll get into specifics
Lawrence, behind your terrible purple green ties (really???) lies a secret that is NOT pollen allergies, and i’m gonna find out what it is, so help me.
i have so many questions about mars. like, does she work here??? why does she want a tour?? did she steal her tour uniform?? did she steal our keys??? why does she want our keys, to finish off the pineapple fried rice?? is she single???
Also, ernest. thank you for the heat pack, you are probably the king of winter or something and i love you for it.
seriously, all of them are just i adore how ernest is so completely awkward even when he’s being super nice, i love how mars just takes charge (haha, rhymes) and i love that Clemence (i assume) when we don’t immediately let her in, tries again twice, and then tells us she’s a social media influencer to cover her tracks. Iconic, honestly.
Robert deserves all the powdered donuts in the world and once everything goes down i’m buying him a box of them no idea if he’s an important character or not or even if he shows up later but that’s what im doing. i love him and miriam and CLEARLY end goal is to come to his house for dinner.
also TYLER👏🏻DOESNT👏🏻DESERVE👏🏻JULIA👏🏻 this post was made by the i love julia gang
Once more, really great read!! I’m super excited for whatever comes next- maybe asking mars to give us our keys back lol.
I just have one question:
Will we be able to wear that hair clip Jenny gave us? Because that was one of the cutest things I’ve ever read
Aw, I’m so glad you liked that scene! You’ll definitely be able to use it in the future.
The heart attack of joy I got when I saw your response…Oh my gosh thank you so much. ALSO you’re the first person to meme my game so you definitely get an award of some sort.
Ahh I’m so glad you like my RO’s so far! You have some questions that I can’t answer yet, but yes, Mars is single, and Robert is definitely not a one-off character. I really hope you enjoy CH 3 when it comes out, although I can’t say it will answer all of your questions.
Your feedback was honestly super encouraging to hear and I’m just so flattered! <3
Hi! It’s I Ji, anyway, without further ado the (hopefully) helpful feedback on the first chapter (i’ll have to do the second chapter tomorrow or later, since my brain is starting to flat-line):
Trying to keep this spoiler-free btw!
Anyway! I really liked your style of writing and describing things, it felt like you had a real flow continuously going onward with a not-too-fast nor too-slow pacing in regards to how long scenes should be or shouldn’t be.
I liked the choices you gave us and the way the choices were explained and/or straightforward, nothing was overly confusing and so far the story is easy to follow. I quite liked the way how we were given choices on the character costumation and how it didn’t take away from the flow of the story at all.
There’s not too much I can say so far, except for that I really like the idea itself so far, and I’m certainly intrigued enough to consider continuing to follow this cog game and it’s progress!
if anything seems unclear to you, feel free to ask me to clarify, this was all a bit rushed because the weather where i live has been giving me headaches-
i also caught a typo, but i can’t post it for some reason, so would it be ok if i send it to you on discord?
Ooh, I really like this! Went to check it out after seeing you on that monthly writing thread. Love your writing, and all the customization options. Can’t wait to see what’s next!
This is incredibly well written, and I am definitely intrigued and invested already…
Maybe someone’s already asked, but any chance you’ll add the save system to the demo? Now that it’s getting a bit longer it would help a ton…
I really appreciate your indepth feedback. It truly is helpful. (And please get some rest!) I think your remarks on my pacing help a ton- I’d say that’s definitely what I struggle with the most, and I’ll keep your comments in mind as I continue. Thanks for catching the typo too. I’ll fix that ASAP.
Ah! I found you through the writing thread too. Thank you so much for your kind words, and good luck on your WIP too!
Aw shucks, thanks so much! I hope future installments will be just as fun for you.
Ooh, this is a good idea. I’ll look into it, and hopefully it’ll be in the next update. Thanks for the suggestion!
I haven’t read them in probably a decade or better so I dunno how they hold up after all this time but imma still highly recommend them
Cool! I’ll check them out some time soon then.
Also, I can’t believe the demo post has hit 200 likes already I’m so glad that I’m able to share my writing with people, and all of your feedback and suggestions have been invaluable. Thanks, guys.
Decided to replay the first chapter one more time to go on an additional hunt for typos and the like! I’ll be sending them to you on discord, since I still can’t post pictures.
Edit!: Ok ok! So finished with the demo for now! Wowie!
First, the characters (also marking as spoiler just in case: We’ve only met a few characters, two of which so far are still unnamed at least to us, since they didn’t introduce themselves. I also met Mars, whom I personally find interesting. Judging from the stat menu, Mars is interested in my potential too, so can’t complain her. Julia is an absolute sweetheart, sure a bit high maintenance with all that energy, but she’s nice and I mean my MC couldn’t ask for a better roommate at all. Uh, LAwrence, ah yes, I don’t know what his problem is, but I’m not all too fond of him, especially when he seemed to have a bad day and I tried being nice to him. I quite loved the little girl and being able to interact with her! It was absolutely endearing, actually! I also quite liked the svelte stranger who decided to run off after I asked about the woman, consider me positively dashed by him.
Next, plot: The plot so far is interesting and enough to keep one interested. I for sure am interested. I especially liked the scene with the new park president, who’s name I forgot because I’m not good with names most of the time, more so because there we could talk about things we liked and continue to build our MC to the way they were intended to be. Also!! The scene with the screaming woman that nobody seemed to notice was interesting, like holy heck, you got me hooked, because now I sure as hell want to figure out what the mystery is. I’m also looking forward to seeing what happens to MC now that they’ve lost their key and are going back to the theme park while it’s dark- Spoky time~~
Pacing and writing style: As before I still REALLY love your writing style, it’s immersive, clear and to the point, while giving us enough information to let our imagination wander and get sucked into the story. The information/descriptions you provide are coherent, easy to follow, and absolutely aesthetically pleasing to read. You wrote paragraphs that seemed neither too long nor too short, which is notable, since it makes the story easier and more enjoyable to read. You didn’t overuse any adjectives, which adds interest and clarity to your writing. Uh, that’s all I can think of so far!
As for pacing, just as excellent as the first chapter!
All in all I’m certainly looking forward to more of your work. :3
Hi! Thank you all so much for your continued feedback! I really appreciate all the thought and effort you put into writing it, and I’ll definitely do my best to improve upon the parts that you’ve pointed out. I’ll fix the errors you found too - thanks so much for finding those for me. It really helps! On a more specific level, I’m glad to hear that you liked the svelte stranger! You’ll definitely be seeing him again.
And thank you so much for your kind words for my writing style! As a writer, getting feedback on how well I can portray something is super important to me, and I hope that I can continue to hold your interest in future chapters! Much thanks
Save system added in DashingDon today! Hope it works.
I love your writing! It’s like a light fluffy cake with white chocolate
Aw, thank you! That’s such a unique compliment. <3
Me, whenever I update the demo now: